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Mary Worth, 8/2/22

I have to admit that I have no idea how we’re supposed to understand the flow of time in Mary Worth; for instance, early in this Jared-Dawn arc, they mentioned that our star-crossed couple had been “friends” for “years” before eventually submitting to one another’s gross lusts, and while it’s true that Jared was first introduced to us in a storyline from 2017, everyone seems more or less the same age in-strip as they were then so I had figured internally that was supposed to be six months ago, tops. Anyway, my point is that it’s also not clear how long ago Wilbur’s private island adventure/death fakeroo was supposed to be, so I’m not sure if Estelle demanded “another break” because of that whole scene or if Wilbur managed to do something even more hilariously infuriating since.

Judge Parker, 8/2/22

Sorry, we know this is a strip where most things are established by dialogue, but Abbey’s not in a talking mood right now, so no talking, OK? It would probably help the story along if there were action of some sort that could substitute for the talking, but I think it’s probably not a big surprise to anyone that that isn’t happening either.

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Judge Parker, 7/25/22

Say, remember a few years ago when Judge Parker Senior ran for mayor on a NIMBY platform to protect Cavelton’s quaint vibes and their associated property values? Well, he lost (technically, he dropped out before the election, which is the worst kind of losing you can do), and now downtown Cavelton is full of multifamily mixed use buildings where regular people can afford to live, or, in this case, non-regular people who used to be married to local gazillionaires but said local gazillionaires are now divorcing them. (Oh, Abbey is divorcing Sam, by the way, I’m not sure if the fact that I’m more interested in the housing economics of Judge Parker than I am about the characters’ love lives says more about me or Judge Parker.)

Gil Thorp, 7/25/22

Milford’s number one hangout location for student athletes is, of course, the Bucket. But where do the Valley Conference coaches hang out? Apparently it’s this coffee shop (vaguely word-play-y name TK), which provides a safe space for them to all cattily gossip about each other because the barista will helpfully loudly announce whoever’s arriving, just in case you’re saying something really emotionally cutting about him.

Marvin, 7/25/22

Wow, huh, I guess the Millers deciding to move for some reason wasn’t just a one-off joke, but actually a running plotline of some sort? I’m kind of tickled that these two can only handle like one big emotionally strenuous process per quarter, and now that it’s July they’re finally ready for #3 of 2022. Sort of explains why they haven’t gotten around to potty training Marvin yet.

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The Lockhorns, 4/14/22

Really loving Loretta’s expression here. Instead of starting a sentence to sound like a compliment but twisting it into a cruel taunt by the end, as is his wont, Leroy has instead simply started a sentence to sound like a compliment only to use it as a springboard for some dumb bit of wordplay he thought up during dinnertime’s customary icy silence, and frankly, she can’t figure out how to feel about that. With the cruel taunt, at least she knows he’s thinking about her.

Marvin, 4/14/22

The phrase “social distancing” rocketed to the top of the public’s mind roughly two years ago in the opening stages of the COVID-19 pandemic, and I don’t know what possibility is sadder: that it took the Marvin creative team that much time to come up with the extremely terrible “smell distancing” variation (it doesn’t even have the same number of syllables, Jesus Christ) or that they came up with it right away but only now have decided that it’s no longer “too soon.”

Judge Parker, 4/14/22

Hey, remember the “April hides out with her family” plotline in Judge Parker that was so boring that I barely ever mentioned it on this blog, which exists entirely to crack wise about the boring antics in the world comic strips? Well, apparently within the Parkerverse it’s was so exciting that it’ll merit building a whole season of streaming TV around it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/14/22

You know what is exciting, for the moment? The current Rex Morgan, M.D., plot! Ha ha, goading a street tough into saying “What’re you going to do — hit me with that broom?” and then immediately hitting him with that broom is a very funny bit and I approve. Mind you, it doesn’t look like our hero’s hitting him particularly hard, but in his defense he is nursing a shoulder injury.

Shoe, 4/14/22

OH MY GOD THERE ARE BIRD JEWS EVERYBODY

JEWS