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Judge Parker, 12/13/24

“I mean, we haven’t seen a panel showing anyone below the shoulders for weeks now, but I’m pretty sure there’s no bed in here and you’re sleeping on the stool. You know what they have prison, Ann? Beds! Just saying.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/13/24

“Because I’m not doing the surgery. They have the real surgeons doing it for once, ha ha! They sent me out here to talk to you, which frankly I’m not thrilled about.”

Beetle Bailey 12/13/24

Oh, don’t look so worried, Sarge: they’re burning you in effigy. They’re not setting you on fire per se. It’s symbolic. They’re taking you on in the markeplace of ideas!

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Judge Parker, 12/6/24

Oh, yeah, my prediction that Judge Parker Senior has his fugitive daughter Anne living in his basement turned out to be correct, much to Randy’s disgust. You see, by now being let onto this secret, Randy must, according to the Laws of Nuptials, inform his wife of his father’s misdeed. His wife. You know, the amoral CIA assassin who loves to kill? I think she’ll be fine with a little fugitive-hiding, actually. Anyway we also learned earlier this week that Anne has to sneak upstairs at night to go pee, which I think is the most problematic thing going on here quite frankly.

The Phantom, 12/6/24

Oh, also, it turns out that Diana has stumbled upon not just one guy who got punched out by the Phantom, but a whole subculture of guys who got punched out by the Phantom, and a new getting-punched-out-by-The-Phantom pub that’s opening up to celebrate the Phantom-punchee lifestyle. Her husband’s flown in to enjoy the proceedings incognito, and honestly, I think that’s great for him. All these having-been-punched guys seem like real delights now, and the Ghost-Who-Punches-And-Who-Punched-These-Guys-Specifically deserves to see how his particular brand of restorative justice punching transforms lives.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/6/24

Oh, also also, Merle is continuing to bleed out on the sidewalk of his suburban subdivision. Maybe the ambulance is going to get there in time, maybe not! Just thought you’d like to know what’s going on (what’s going on is bleeding).

Hi and Lois, 12/6/24

Your parents telling you no is supposed to give you something to aspire to or rebel against; but to Chip, it’s just a sign that he’s destined to be a non-motorcyclist forever due to family law, or possibly genetics. True loser behavior!

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Judge Parker, 11/30/24

Hey, remember at the beginning of this year, when we found out that the Judges Parker had a secret daughter (to Judge Parker Senior)/sister (to Judge Parker Junior) named Ann, who they hadn’t seen in 20 years? And it turned out that she was tied up in various criminal enterprises, and that’s why she had to flee again, and also maybe she murdered a guy on her way out of town? Well, Judge Parker Senior spent a lot of the Thanksgiving holiday pingponging being maudlin about how his whole family isn’t together and also being manic and thankful, which it looks like is leading up to the big reveal that he has Ann locked up in the family’s terrifying basement, for her protection (?). Probably he used to keep all kinds of people locked up down there, which is why Randy hated it so much.

Dustin, 11/30/24

Haha, yeah, I wonder who thought up one of the most widely used and beloved features on modern smartphones? Probably a girl, right? Do you think she got her girl cooties all over it?