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Emotional roller coasters

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Judge Parker, 12/20/24

Last night I had the pleasure of waiting for the bus next to a guy who was doing whip-its on the street corner, and when I say “had the pleasure,” I really mean it: he was amiable, charming, in good spirits, and endlessly amused by the funny things said whip-its were doing to his voice. Now obviously the act and the addiction are probably doing terrible things to his brain, and to society in general, but in the short term he seemed a lot happier than a lot of strung out or even sober people I’ve seen in public over the years. Anyway, I guess that can is in the middle of the table so that the Spencer clan, too genteel to do any drugs that don’t come in a martini glass, can add an adorable dollop of whipped cream to their hot cocoa, but they all look so happy that at first I wondered if a little whiff of nitrous had wiped away the typical Judge Parker pissyface, if only for a few moments.

Gasoline Alley, 12/20/24

Well, kids, I suppose we’ve learned a valuable lesson: artificial intelligence is a remarkable invention, but it’s still an experimental technology in its early stages and can make mistakes! For important work, you need to rely on something more traditional, something tried and true, tested by history: an awful demon, who was called forth from the aether by God as one of His angels but who was on the losing side of the Great War in Heaven that was fought and lost before time began, cast down with her Master into the fiery pit where she remained, seething, raging, seeking the souls of the innocent to warp and destroy and turn away from their Creator, finally learning how to inhabit the body of a children’s toy and walk the Earth, an abomination, a terror beyond comprehension. That’s who you want writing your report. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to write it.

Tina’s Groove, 12/20/24

Ha ha, Tina’s co-worker isn’t getting enough aphrodisiacs in her diet, ha! Also she’s very depressed, which frequently correlates to decreased libido. Every character in this strip is very depressed, so this tracks. Trust me on this, or just check out their facial expressions here. They always look like this!

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Dawn will absolutely never learn anything about herself, are you kidding

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Mary Worth, 12/14/24

OK, reading this almost sent me into a downward spiral — and here I will pause to tell you that after typing that, I thought, “Hmm, is this really a thing I want to admit out here in public on God’s own internet?” but then I realized that you guys have read this blog, I’m obviously in the top percentile worldwide of people who are most likely to have been sent into a downward spiral by a Mary Worth comic — but anyway, I got sent into a downward spiral by the thought that Dawn had a whole-ass relationship that I had forgotten about. Who is this “Billy” character? When did we meet him? True, Dawn said they only went out for a “few weeks” but Mary Worth chronology is notoriously languorous, so that could refer to a storyline from months or years ago. I think the last time we heard about Dawn’s love life was when she fled down to go live with her mother because she was still broken up about her comical drip of an ex Jared, only to return when it turned out that her mother didn’t really care for her either, but it nags at me that there might be an entire earlier “Billy” storyline that I’m somehow forgetting. Was Billy the guy with a tiny face she ogled at the zoo? Some dude she picked up at da clurb? Or just some loser so dull he didn’t even rate an appearance in the syndicated comic strip Mary Worth? Anyway, I look forward to learning whether Dawn’s newfound veganism is a pathetic attempt to spite him somehow or an even more pathetic attempt to win him back.

Judge Parker, 12/14/24

I was going to object that Judge Parker Senior lives in leafy suburbia on an estate large enough to have its own hedge maze, so it seems weird to think there’d be CCTV cameras around, but then I remembered that he’s a notorious criminal himself, so the local authorities are right to be careful.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/14/24

Today’s Hagar the Horrible is about Hagar’s emotional life and how it affects his interactions with his friends and family. Honestly, I like it!

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Friday quickies

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Judge Parker, 12/13/24

“I mean, we haven’t seen a panel showing anyone below the shoulders for weeks now, but I’m pretty sure there’s no bed in here and you’re sleeping on the stool. You know what they have prison, Ann? Beds! Just saying.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/13/24

“Because I’m not doing the surgery. They have the real surgeons doing it for once, ha ha! They sent me out here to talk to you, which frankly I’m not thrilled about.”

Beetle Bailey 12/13/24

Oh, don’t look so worried, Sarge: they’re burning you in effigy. They’re not setting you on fire per se. It’s symbolic. They’re taking you on in the markeplace of ideas!