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Crock, 3/30/16

Crock may be the only comic that I’ve antagonized so much that they felt a need to do a genuinely mean-spirited strip about me, but at least I am familiar with long-running Crock jokes and traditions, which is more than I can say for the people paid actual money to help produce it for publication. Captain Preppy, for instance, is an egomaniac who likes to gaze at himself in a handheld mirror while talking about how great he is. This is well-established Crock canon. Yet somebody looked at a black-and-white version of today’s strip and said, “He’s a holding a corndog, right? Looks like a corndog. Let’s check out the dialogue in panel two. ‘Boy, am I lucky.’ Yep, that’s the sort of thing that someone holding a corndog would say. God, I wish I had a corndog right now! Anyway, paintcan tool, pick corndog brown off the color chart, bloop, bloop, bloop. Done! On to Curtis! Wonder what he’s eating.”

Judge Parker, 3/30/16

Haha, Mrs. Chubb folded immediately after like 30 seconds of fairly mild questioning from Sam. Just goes to show that if you’re going to run a sordid fake-accident-injury scam, do not enlist as your accomplice a woman for whom pearls are part of her casual, lounging-around-the-house wear. She will be far too classy to commit.

Archie, 3/30/16

Jesse Ventura ran for governor in 1998, which I guess offers some solid evidence for when the current run of Archie strips were originally written. I certainly hope that nobody was misled by this strip into thinking that Greco-Roman wrestling was a flashy, high-profile road to fame and eventual political glory.

Mary Worth, 3/30/16

“Hmm, what should I wear for my first day of class? I know: pants, a suit jacket, and a vest, all precisely the same shade of green!” –A guy who thinks about art and aesthetics, like, professionally

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(Brief correction: Guys, due to a cut-and-paste error, this week’s Comment of the Week was inaccurately attributed! It is actually from Steve S. Now fixed!)

Marvin, 3/28/16

The daily comics are a medium that rewards complacency, which is why I find Marvin’s commitment to innovation impressive. The strip could’ve rested on its laurels as “that awful thing where a baby smugly pees and poops all the time,” but no: they introduced sapient dog characters who can communicate with the baby characters, and the dogs’ peeing and pooping are also a source of laughs. But the creative team did not stop there! No, today we see the dawn of a new chapter in Marvin: a chapter in which the very bodily organs responsible for the elimination of waste now have minds of their own and speak and interact with others. Can’t wait to see what pithy witticisms Marvin’s G.I. tract has in store for us!

Judge Parker, 3/28/16

Hey, were you worried that Neddy was going to actually suffer consequences of some sort for her terrible, reckless driving. Well, don’t worry, these Chubbs (actual name) are clearly scam artists, determined to soak the local trillionaires, dressing up in comically outdated medical dressing that they probably borrowed from the local amateur theater company or something. Look, even their fat little dog has some on! This is just yet another example of the put-upon rich being abused in this country, and I for one will cheer when Sam sues them back to the stone age.

Dick Tracy, 3/28/16

“Welp, another adventure done. Looks like it’s all over but the shouting!” [in the background, as Dick and his friends smile at each other smugly: literal shouting from the dozens of people who have been horribly injured in this huge explosion]

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Mary Worth, 3/27/16

You know, if you want proof that Mary’s reputation as a fixer of lives isn’t quite deserved, check out Dawn Weston. She’s been living in Charterstone under Mary’s watchful gaze since childhood, and still she’s as sad and pathetic as ever! But soon she’s going to be the coolest kid at her local junior college: remember, every great tale of social climbing begins with a unappreciated teen violently clinking coffee mugs with an old woman. Let the aggressive friendship-establishment montage … commence!

Judge Parker, 3/27/16

How often has this happened to you? You think your country music star husband has run off with his secretary … but nope, he’s just flown to Los Angeles to buy some solid gold cookware, probably as a gift for the Sultan of Brunei or something. Ha ha, what a kooky misunderstanding! Thank goodness the crack Judge Parker investigative team was on the case to figure this stuff out before things got out of control! And all they had to do to figure it out was abuse their wealth and privilege and use the power of the state for their private interests.

Oh, and, hey, remember that lady that Neddy sideswiped with her monstrously large RV without noticing? Well, she’s not a sexy lady like Neddy at all, but is instead a heavyset woman literally named “Mrs. Chubb,” so probably the whole thing was her fault and she’ll be writing the Spencer-Drivers a check soon enough.