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Herb and Jamaal, 8/1/12

Herb’s mother-in-law Eula, who both lives and works with him, is always on his case, constantly. One could write this off as just part of the eternal conflict between a mother-in-law and her child’s spouse, or, perhaps more accurately, as a tired, stereotypical retreading of the supposedly eternal conflict between a mother-in-law and her child’s spouse. Or, as today’s strip demonstrates, it could be that she’s terrified by Herb’s obvious emotional and sexual connection to his “best buddy Jamaal,” and will do anything to distract him from it, in the vain hope that she can keep her family together.

Lockhorns, 8/1/12

Call the Lockhorns hackneyed if you must, but it can still take us to depths of relationship hell that we never imagined existed. I mean, just think if you were at a place in your marriage when you thought, “God, I wish we had gotten that murder-suicide pact nailed down when the time was right. But what’s the point, now?”

Marvin, 8/1/12

It’s Marvin’s 30th anniversary, and from this day forward, I will no longer think of him as a horrible brat-child glorying in his inability or refusal to poop in a toilet. Instead, I will pity him as a victim of a capricious creator who for whatever perverse reason delights in forcing him to stew in his own excrement.

Shoe, 8/1/12

You may be alarmed to learn that Shoe is having sex with his golf clubs. Personally, I’m even more unsettled to discover that he’s getting emotionally attached to some of them.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 7/29/12

I don’t even want to get into the sad, sick nature of Slylock and Cassandra’s relationship, in which she’s sexily guilty so long as Slylock can show that it’s not impossible for her to have committed a crime. I more want to point out three actual crimes happening in this panel right now: (1) that seagull is stealing Max’s hot dog (in a world where a fox can arrest a cat, surely he can also arrest a bird); (2) that stand is grotesquely overcharging for one-scoop ice cream cones at $5 a pop; and (3) Slylock thinks wearing a cape with no shirt is somehow an acceptable fashion choice, what the hell.

Panel from the Lockhorns, 7/29/12

The meaning of this Lockhorns panel is 100% opaque to me, and since Lockhorns panels are generally not subtle, I assume that there’s some bit of cultural ephemera that I’m not hip to that this is a reference to. Is there a popular show about an identity-stealing person with a shaved head, on the TV? Am I actually too square to get the pop culture references in the Lockhorns? Or is this just some weirdness about how … Leroy is bald and thinks people pretending to be bald are pretending to be him? No, still doesn’t make any sense. I like the way the bald guy is theatrically musing on his coffee options and pretending he can’t hear Leroy and Loretta’s insane mutterings, though.

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Lockhorns, 6/16/12

Congrats to Leroy on finding the most absolutely generic packages in the store! Let’s see, I’ll guess that the chips are in the bag, the peanuts are in the little flat box, the pretzels are in the long skinny box, and the beer is in the larger of the two cans? Because Leroy only bought one can of beer, maybe? Anyway, Loretta, don’t be so quick to judge, as we haven’t figured out what’s in the little can yet — it might be a single serving of milk.

Shoe, 6/16/12

I’m on the record as saying that Buzz, Shoe’s angry, confused elderly bird-man, is my favorite character in this strip, which is why I resent the fact that all the other bird-people have apparently abandoned him to just blather his nonsense in isolation. Couldn’t Roz at least put forth the effort of standing there nodding sullenly at his insane ramblings? He’s her most faithful, lowest tipping customer!

UPDATE: Apparently Biz’s name is actually Biz, rather than Buzz? I leave this up as is, as a mark of my shame at being unable to indentify cartoon birds!