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Hi and Lois, 3/23/25

Look, you know I’m a genuine fan of Hi and Lois’s new melancholy, punchline-free vibe, but I’m sorry, “spring is here, time to ramp up our loathing of our aging bodies” is too dark and I’m going to need them to ratchet things back a bit.

Mary Worth, 3/23/25

OK, we all knew from the get-go that Wilbur’s vacation fling with funny hair was going to show up at his condo from the get-go, but I don’t think any of us could’ve predicted that she would arrive just as Wilbur was sorting through his surprisingly diverse shoe collection as part of his plan to strike the perfect balance between aesthetics and endurance for his upcoming karaoke outing. Will Belle be into Wilbur’s whole shoe deal, will she be repulsed by it as somehow unmasculine, or will she not find anything noteworthy about a bedroom with shoes strewn randomly around the floor and bed? The answer will tell us all a lot about this lady.

Heathcliff, 3/23/25

Heathcliff! You probably shouldn’t be putting forth the effort to communicate with the dog community in their own language at all, and if you’re going to stoop to that level, it should be to make them quake in fear, not chortle at your wit. You’re letting down all your dogcatcher fans!

Luann, 3/23/25

“I guess you know you’re old when you used to live in a civilization with a strong literary culture but now you need drastic pharmaceutical intervention just to stay alive.” “Ha! Under no circumstances should you put that on a t-shirt, it’s way too depressing.”

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Luann, 3/19/25

Looks like Luann’s 40th anniversary celebration is going to roll on all week, or maybe for the rest of the month, who even knows at this point, but today anyway real Luann heads are urged see the Luann 40th vid at LuannFan dot com, your source for Luann content on the World Wide Web. Do you want to watch some Luann vids? Huh? Do you want to watch Luann and some guy named “Phil” or whatever smooch chastely behind a clipboard while Tiffany watches them and cracks wise? Do you? Do you want to watch that? Are you a sick freak and that’s the sort of thing that gets you off? Well I guess you should go on over to LuannFan dot com, then, but don’t say you weren’t warned.

Andy Capp, 3/19/25

I of course rely on Andy Capp for all my up-to-the-minute information about British culture, so I’m intrigued to learn that that accursèd island’s most hardened criminals have given up on their former pursuits — knifecrime or ASBOs or what have you — and have instead embraced pub trivia fraud. Truly Charles III’s depraved dominion never rests when it comes to developing new forms of malice!

Dennis the Menace, 3/19/25

I genuinely love the absolutely blank expressions Dennis and Margaret are giving Mr. Wilson here. Sorry, George, that insult absolutely did not land, you should probably workshop it some more. Good thing you’ve got nothing but time on your hands!

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Slylock Fox, 3/17/25

Yeah, we get it, Slylock is engaged in a long-running and very sexy game of cat and mouse fox with Cassandra, of which this is merely the latest episode, and check out her flirtatious body language as she makes her fake phone call from behind the jukebox, but … sorry, I can’t focus, because that muscular android Betty Boop is terrifying. Clearly that’s the sort of femmebot that, if released from its glass prison, would immediately strangle anyone who tried to control it with its surprisingly powerful hands. If Slylock were serious about Cassandra getting her comeuppance, he would simply allow her criminal enterprise to catch up with her, but as noted, this is all elaborate foreplay, so he’ll ensure that the Boop-o-Matic remains safely contained.

Alice, 3/17/25

Speaking of strange romance, we’re getting some lore here on the Alice aliens: they apparently outsource all flirting and sexual interactions to their eyestalks, which nuzzle one another while the main portion of their bodies discuss more intellectual, aesthetic, and philosophical matters. Seems efficient!

Luann, 3/17/25

Big news, everyone! The comic strip Luann launched this day in 1985, and after 40 years and thousands of installments, Luann has finally kissed a boy. Took a while but I think we can finally wrap this thing up!