Good lord, who is this person in the first panel supposed to be? Is it Mary, who, unbeknownst to all of us, has long, blonde tresses hidden under her forbidding white hair-helmet? Is it Tobey, who has finally snapped and gotten extensive facial surgery to look more like her meddling mentor? Or have the master and the apprentice merged into some kind of combined organism for terrible reasons we can only guess at?
Luann, 4/10/10
Ha ha, it was all a dream, everybody! I’m not sure whether the dream encompassed the entirety of this “Whitest West Side Story Ever” storyline or just the awkward post-performance party; either way, those who have been irritated by this plot have been rewarded with the most irritating sort of ending that narrative has to offer.
Funky Winkerbean, 4/10/10
So, sadly (by which I mean happily, but I have reached the point when I only can feel joy with the Funky Winkerbean characters are brought to unprecedented depths of misery), it looks like it’s just Montoni’s New York being shuttered, not the whole company as I had originally thought. Anyway, today we learn why New Yorkers were hesitant to embrace Westview-style pizza: the “inventory” apparently left sitting around a shuttered store in unrefrigerated boxes is still fit to at least give away, meaning that it’s almost certainly made entirely of science chemicals. Mmm, preservatives from the heartland! Taste what you’re missing, urban elitists!
Pluggers, 4/10/10
Pluggers are out and proud about their sexuality, but their compulsive eating invariably sends them into a shame spiral.
Hi everyone! Yes, I’m back, and Uncle Lumpy’s reign is over, as you can tell by this totally-posted-in-the-early-evening update to the site. As our good Uncle so aptly put it in the wee hours of yesterday morning: “Josh, amiright?” Anyway, thanks go to my illustrious pinch hitter, and HUGE thanks go to everyone who contributed in the pledge drive (though of course each and every one of you will be getting personal thank-yous in the next few days).
Part of what delays me, as ever, is my obsessive-compulsive need to read at least the high points of the strips I missed! Here’s one panel that jumped out at me, fairly aggressively:
Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/10
“Garage painting” is of course a euphemism for oral pleasures of long standing in this strip, so what this panel is revealing is that Rex and June and planning on holding their dewy young layabout houseguests hostage, as sex slaves. Either that, or Nikki did a really, really bad job painting the garage, since that all happened, what, three weeks ago, in strip time?
Meanwhile, America’s Teen Sweethearts offered material of more philosophical interest:
Panel from Luann, 3/26/10
Here, Tiffany offers an intriguing analysis of the experience that staged drama brings to its audience; Brecht would be proud of this description of a play as both intensely real and transparently false.
But the most important thing that happened in the world of the comics last week didn’t happen in the funny pages, but in movie theaters, where the full-length Marmaduke trailer finally dropped:
That of course is Oscar nominee William H. Macy as the subject of not one but two getting-hit-in-the-nuts jokes. Perhaps this year he’ll finally take home that golden statue (in the newly created “most times hit in nuts by CGI dog” category). Just keep telling yourself “It’s only fake real.”
And now! There were also comics today! Let’s get on it!
Apartment 3-G, 3/29/10
While I usually find the art in this strip pretty blah, I actually think Ari’s stunned silence in the final panel is quite effectively executed. He’s probably supposed to be figuring out how exactly he can avoid the violent episode Bobbie’s about to perpetrate onto him, but I’d like to believe that he’s more concerned about all those scripts he wrote. “Wait, she’s not taking the pills? The beautiful, delicious pills I so thoughtfully prescribed for her? This relationship is nothing but a mountain of lies!”
Dennis the Menace, 3/29/10
When Dennis joined a new church, one whose services featured glossolalia and snake-handling, he finally found the immediate and ecstatic connection to God that he had been searching for his entire childhood. Still, the suit-clad WASP squares at his parents’ Episcopal congregation sure found it menacing.
Judge Parker, 3/29/10
Oh, this battle for Neddy’s love/purity is going to be delightful! I can’t wait to see what sort of snide comment her fashion-world boyfriend has in store for Sam’s epically minty argyle sweater.
Luann, 3/29/10
Back to the fake real! Turns out that theater prodigies Luann and Quill were only capable of creating on-stage romantic chemistry because of their mutual lust for their shared pale good looks. Now that they’ve been transformed into non-Aryans via stagecraft wizardry, they’re no longer attracted to one another, and the play will bomb.
Crankshaft, 3/29/10
I may have missed the thrill-o-coaster that was last week’s “Mary returns a blouse,” but by God I will be here for each and every delicious minute of “Crankshaft gets dumped.”
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Gasoline Alley, 3/23/10
For better or for worse, many comics rely on wordplay for humor. Here’s a typical example, in which a simple misunderstanding will launch days and days of escalating overreactions and hilarious hijinks.
We almost lost Old Walt once before. A few years ago, Gasoline Alley ran a sweet story about his impending retirement to an Old Comics Home, where he could reminisce with the likes of Smokey Stover, the Yellow Kid, and other contemporaries (he was “born” in 1900; his son Skeezix is pushing 90). They ended that story abruptly, yanking Walt back here to be neglected by Gertie, mishear and misspeak stuff, and generally be the butt of old-guy jokes. I like to think the Old Comics Home was a kind of Heaven, and that Walt must’ve committed some unpardonable sexual sin during his wait to get in. You go, Walt!
Crankshaft, 3/23/10
Speaking of “butt of old guy” jokes, there’s nothing celestial about Ed Crankshaft’s, um, wordplay. Panel two’s “lukecold” is actually one of his better attempts, although neither Pam nor we can raise our eyes to it from the horror below. But there’s no excuse for “space heater” in panel one. Honestly, guys – “There must be something wrong with the water heater”/”My shower was lukecold!” How hard is that?
Luann, 3/23/10
Quill gives Luann ambiguously phrased, ridiculous singing advice, which Luann first misunderstands for Chinese, then takes to heart. Next week, we’ll all enjoy her solo performance of “Nnnnngh, nnngh, mmmmmmmmf!” sung with no eye contact whatsoever.
Apartment 3-G, 3/23/10
And in other news… OK, I think we can call it official — Armed lunatic junkie skank Bobbie Merrill is Martin Magee’s wife, Gabriella’s rival, Margo’s stepmom, Dr. Papagoras’s lover, and there’s gonna be hell to pay.
Oh boy oh boy oh boy.
Mary Worth, 3/23/10
Hey, remember yesterday when I suggested Mary’s mysterious “return” might be an overdue library book? Note to self: never, ever attempt to out-lame Mary Worth.
Hey, it’s the Spring 2010 Fundraiser — any cash you can spare to support Josh’s work here will be greatly appreciated — thank you!
