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Beetle Bailey, 1/4/05

This cartoon made me tingly, but not in a good way.

Hi and Lois, 1/4/07

Dot and Ditto seem to be adapting well to their parents’ loveless sham of a marriage.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/4/07

If someone’s physical agony is the set-up to someone else’s wistful little joke, this must be Funky Winkerbean.

Luann, 1/4/07

This disturbs me so very, very much that I’d rather see what wacky antics Puddles has gotten himself into this week. Please. Cut away to Puddles. Now. Please.

Oh, also: if you’d like to know what Dr. Jeff’s up to in the ‘Nam, faithful reader Smitty Smedlap has the answer. (Scroll down to where it says “UPDATE”.)

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Beetle Bailey, 12/20/06

And Beetle Bailey’s queasy, uncomfortable treatment of sexuality continues apace. (See here, here, and here for more of it, if you dare.) There’s an increasingly disturbing undercurrent of sexual mismatch in the strip, as various desperate plays for intimacy are parried by hostility, apathy, or restrictive military regulations against sexual harassment and/or gayness. Since they’re denied by their cruel overlords the Walkers either the right to get it on with one another or to experience the catharsis of combat, it’s no wonder the denizens of Camp Swampy are such emotional wrecks.

Apartment 3-G, 12/20/06

Worry not, friends: we are only privy to these uncharacteristically humble meanderings through the cartoon magic of thought balloons; no other A3G character will ever learn of them, since Margo shuns human intimacy and all other forms of weakness. I’m just charmed to find out that she refers to herself by her last name in her negative self-talk.

Gil Thorp, 12/20/06

With Stormy Hicks and Stumpy Ritter bundled safely off to the Naval Academy Prep School and the Paralympics, respectively, it’s time for a new storyline in Gil Thorp. This of course inevitably involves confusion and chaos, since it can take days or weeks before anyone can tell what the hell is going on. At first I thought that our Syracuse-branded sweatshirt fan was ex-hobo Ted Pearse, but it’s actually the noted “Lisa Wyche.” Perhaps we’ll get an intriguing plot involving same-sex loving on the girl’s basketball team, or at least parental disapproval of tomboyishness. No matter what, though, I need to see as much of Lisa’s terrifying space alien mother as humanly possible.

Luann, 12/20/06

Allow me to translate, Puddles: you aren’t getting jack for Christmas. It’s a good thing you have some biped friends, or else you’d be in a burlap sack at the bottom of a river. Capisce? Now leave Santa the hell alone.

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Slylock Fox, 12/12/06

I’m going to admit it right here in front of the whole world: I like Slylock Fox. I can’t really handle the brain teasers, which I don’t have the attention span for and which I think are kind of rigged anyway, but I enjoy the wealth of detail in the artwork: there’s clearly a lot of thought that goes into it. Today, for instance, we get a little wordless vignette of jealousy and betrayal. I’m sure our older, exotic Mediterranean waitress has been over-smiled at by many a teen boy, but that doesn’t make our all-American girlfriend feel any better. Also, the restaurant appears to be lousy with cats, in violation of the city health code.

Luann, 12/12/06

Just in time for Christmas, it’s … A Very Puddles Christmas! Featuring Puddles, the tiny, sleepy, non-trick-doing dog! And Emily the mail lady, his best friend! (See, dogs and US Post Office employees can get along!) Join us as Puddles takes a magical journey to see Santa! He’ll learn a lot about himself and the real meaning of Christmas, and about just how important family is! Also, there will be urination jokes!

Seriously, what the hell is this. Talking dog? Talking, bipedal dog? This is very much not what Luann is about. Can’t we get back to the Brad house renov … er, I mean the Brand-Toni-Di … er, no wait, I mean Luann and Aaro … no, how about Luann and Gunth … um, maybe Bernice and Zan … oh, whatever, bring on the elves.

Mary Worth, 12/12/06

You know, Ella, I wouldn’t throw around the “w” word if I were you, as I’m betting the condo association has some pretty strict rules about the dark arts. I’d hate to see the next Chaterstone Pool Party feature you getting burned at the stake.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/12/06

HAW HAW! Now here’s some political commentary we can all get behind! Those politicians! They think one thing and say another! It seems as if their chief goal is getting re-elected! Sometimes they are corrupt and unethical! You tell ’em, Grandpa Jim!

Is it just me, or is peppering an aphasic with questions about his aphasia as he sits there in frustrated silence some kind of cruel joke? “Say, Mr. Patterson, that’s a nice watch. Do you mind if I take it? If you mind, just say something … now. OK, guess I’ll be taking it, then!”

Apartment 3-G, 12/12/06

Another excellent diagnosis, Nurse Thompson! I’m assuming by “feverish,” you mean “coked to the gills.”