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Mary Worth, 2/9/22

“Yes, it seemed that all hope was lost as I plunged into the cruel sea. But I lifted up a prayer to the Lord above to spare my life. ‘Please, heavenly Father,’ I asked, ‘let me live long enough to go to Toby’s next birthday party!’ Where is the birthday girl, anyway? Oh, she’s crying in the bedroom over her lost youth? Welp, more muffins for me, then, ha ha!”

Mark Trail, 2/9/22

Little does Wilbur know that when he took that plunge off the boat, he tore a hole right in the fabric of his own reality, splitting his soul in two! Sure, one half of him is back in Charterstone, right as rain — but the other, which must carry the weight of his misfortune, now haunts the nightmares of Rusty and all his little friends.

Daddy Daze, 2/9/22

Jeez, I know Daddy Daze has been getting increasingly depressing, but I still think that it’s a real escalation to do a week’s worth of strips where the Daddy Daze baby crushes the Daddy Daze baby by dropping a huge stuffed bear on him, and then the Daddy Daze daddy slowly dies, and then the Daddy Daze baby eventually dies of starvation as well.

Hi and Lois, 2/9/22

“When mommy just parks the car, puts San Diego in the GPS, and just sits there for an hour staring silently through the windshield, eventually sighing and turning the GPS off and going back home real slow? That’s less fun, I gotta say.”

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Mary Worth, 10/21/21

You ever get a terrifying moment of clarity and insight into a situation that you wish you really knew no details about whatsoever? That was me, reading today’s Mary Worth, realizing that Wilbur is absolutely planning to follow up his first long, languorous tongue-kiss with Carol by shyly saying “See, we do both love ‘Frenchies,’ don’t we?” Just typing this makes me die inside, but I cannot expel this knowledge from my mind! Anyway, I want everyone to note that Carol looks like she’s about to shatter that glass in her hand in panel two.

Mark Trail, 10/21/21

Oh look, it’s our first corporate mastermind villain in nu-look Mark Trail! And he’s wearing a [squints] tuxedo? Lounging around his cliffside mansion/lair? Like you do? Presumably he’s taken off the jacket to better enjoy the cliffside breezes? I do enjoy the fact that his assistant must stay 10 feet away from him at all times, showing him important photos and documents on an iPad with its font size pumped all the way up so he can read it.

Blondie, 10/21/21

Big news, everyone! The team behind the longtime syndicated newspaper strip Blondie has finally learned about QR codes! Tune in here for further developments, like whether or not they ever figure out they’re called “QR codes.”

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Mark Trail, 10/13/21

Interesting, interesting, it seems that despite my taunting Mark may have fought in a war after all. Or … did he? He does seem quite cagey about the details as soon as friend starts pressing him, doesn’t he? Maybe he realizes that Cliff isn’t going to consider his lifetime of efforts punching hippies to be a “tour,” even though his handlers from the CIA assured him he was on the front lines of the most important war America would ever fight.

Slylock Fox, 10/13/21

Hmm, we’re seeing a lone walrus warily eyeing those polar bears, but the quiz answer assures us that walruses are almost invariably found in massive herds of hundreds or even thousands of walrus companions. We have to assume this isolated individual is a scout for a vast walrus army that’s preparing to attack and overwhelm the arctic’s most powerful predators. I’m pretty sure we’ve never seen Slylock and his pals interact with sapient polar bears or walruses, presumably because they’re locked in a brutal war thousands of miles north of the Forest Kingdom.