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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/11/16

Well, looks like we’re done with the “Rex Acquires Real Estate and Breaks Hearts” and “Dementia Sure Is Depressing” storylines for the moment and are moving on to your favorite and mine, “Everything’s Coming Up Sarah Morgan — Forever.” The relationship between Sarah and her minder is reaching new heights of passive aggression: Kelly notes with with cheerful surprise that Sarah hadn’t been physically assaulted on her first day of school, despite her terrible personality, and Sarah demands to transcend her physical limitations and sit up front like the big girl she has bullied her private school administration into declaring her to be.

Mark Trail, 4/11/16

Oh hey guys, I know it’s been a while since we checked in with Mark Trail’s exciting cave adventure! And today we have … uh … Karst processes … gypsum … you know what, I’ll just let you know when the punching starts up again.

Pluggers, 4/11/16

Well, this seems relatively harmless, and … wait, what’s that say?

NOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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Mark Trail, 3/16/16

Only in Mark Trail could the hunky protagonist get away with urging the shapely female guest star, already standing unnaturally so as to emphasize her bosom and posterior, to crawl away from him so he could get a good look. Anyone else would be transparently exploiting an extremely dangerous scenario to sexually humiliate a poor woman, but we all know that Mark has never thought about sex in his life. His advice must be entirely practical here. Don’t worry, Carina, you’re in safe hands. Safe and entirely unerotic hands.

Dick Tracy, 3/16/16

Again, not really engaging much with this storyline, but wanted to point out that Dick’s new detective pals work for authoritarian regimes and are very impressed by US surveillance technology.

Family Circus, 3/16/16

Alright, who had “7” in the “how early would Billy peak, intellectually” pool?

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Mary Worth, 3/14/16

Oh, did you think Mary Worth had reached its apex with “Mary and Jeff tell the waiter at their favorite restaurant that the restaurant where he works is their favorite restaurant?” Not by a long shot, bucko. Here, enjoy “Mary and Jeff stand on a deserted boardwalk and talk about what makes New York so exciting. Is it all the things that happen there? Yes, probably.” You know where you wouldn’t see people wasting time with this kind of blah blah? New York City! People are too busy hustling and bustling to engage in this kind of self-reflection. (Ha ha, just kidding, New Yorkers are contractually obligated to turn towards the camera and say “Only in New York! The greatest city in the world!” when anything even vaguely interesting happens to them.)

Slylock Fox, 3/14/16

Hmm, as I read the details of this scenario, it sounds like Shady’s explanation of events is entirely plausible. Maybe another truck swerved into his lane and, technically, the traffic in that lane was supposed to be going in a direction other than the one in which Shady was driving. Who’s to say? Look at how eager Shady is to tell his tale to Slylock. Does that look like a shrew who’s committed a crime?

Dick Tracy, 3/14/16

This Dick Tracy storyline in Cuba is still happening, I guess? Today Dick is holding a bad guy at gunpoint and forcing him to piece through a pile of rubble by hand to find his friends, who are either terribly injured or dead. Dick doesn’t seem that broken up about it, though! At least he’s finally getting to force somebody to do something at gunpoint.

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