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Mark Trail, 6/19/15

It looks like this Mark Trail plot is finally swinging into gear, and our guest stars will be a couple of mismatched lovers! Ken and Kelly both get great satisfaction out of spending time with animals. Kelly likes finding adorable, helpless orphaned squirrels and raising them until they’re strong and healthy enough to survive on their own; Ken loves to go find sharks out in the water and kill them in the frenzy of blood-lust than can only come by doing battle with nature’s most perfect predator. The emotions they get out of these experiences are mostly the same.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/19/15

Kelly may be concerned that she’ll get in trouble for letting Sarah see nudity, based on the Morgans’ well-known anti-sex attitudes, but she needn’t worry: Rex and June are letting their daughter work in a museum that’s lousy with nakedness, proving that there’s a nude statue loophole in place here.

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Heathcliff, 6/15/15

If there’s one thing that distinguishes Heathcliff from another, more famous/relentlessly marketed orange comics cat, it’s his inability to produce recognizable language, even in thought balloon form. We as readers are not privy to whatever thoughts are going through his head; and to communicate with the fellow denizens of the Heathcliffverse, he must resort to crude, one-word messages written on helmets or flags. But now, at long last, Heathcliff’s latest project is coming to fruition: he’s mastered human speech, repurposing various parts of his digestive system to approximate the sounds. He’s already gotten to the end of the alphabet, so Heathcliff’s Owner-Grandpa’s attempt to put a stop to the madness will come far too late. After “Z”, Heathcliff will start issuing orders, and they will be terrifying.

The Lockhorns, 6/15/15

Congratulations, The Lockhorns, for finally producing a panel that can surpass Rhino-Man Hocks His TV for sheer horrifying depression! I’m kind of sorry we aren’t going to get to actually see Leroy awkwardly trying to remove his own fillings with a pair of pliers in this seedy cash-for-gold outlet’s parking lot, mostly because I’d like to watch Loretta’s facial expression of ennui mingled with contempt remain unchanged throughout all the screaming and the blood.

Family Circus, 6/15/15

Dolly forges ahead to some unknown destination, leaving Ruthie behind, lying on the floor in visible agony from her tumble from the wagon. Ruthless indeed, and only Billy (7) can see the true cold-hearted sociopath beneath his sister’s treacle-sweet exterior.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/15/15

Today’s Rex Morgan, M.D., doesn’t confirm the theory that “Sarah” is a 42-year-old little person pretending to be a child for inscrutable reasons of her own, with Kelly in on the game but eager to humiliate her at any opportunity, but it doesn’t exactly rule it out, either.

Mark Trail, 6/15/15

OH NO

THE DAY IS HERE

THE DAY FORETOLD IN PROPHECY

THE DAY THE CEPHALAPODS EMERGE FROM THE SEA TO DESTROY US

HUG YOUR LOVED ONES TIGHT AND PRAY FOR A SWIFT AND MERCIFUL DEATH

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Mark Trail, 6/12/15

Oh, good news, everyone: Mark has recovered from his little getting-hit-with-a-tree incident, mostly. Though he does seem a little groggy, so maybe there’ll still be some fun with this. Amnesia, perhaps? Or maybe that was a radioactive tree, which will cause him to become Tree-Man, the man with the … proportional … powers of a tree? Whatever the case, I think we can all agree that it would be pretty hilarious if in panel two Mark said “Yeah … I’m OK!” and then just silently stood there, hand on his knee, for a full minute, letting the water drip off of him.

Judge Parker, 6/12/15

Man, Marie sure does take an unseemly interest in people’s sex lives, doesn’t she? “Yep, I’ll be gone tonight! Just completely out of your hair … out here in the guest house … in case you wanted to have any guests … like if you wanted Mark’s penis to be a ‘guest’ in your vagina … anyhoo, see you later!”