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Mark Trail, 9/23/14

Hey, remember Jacob Hickman, the anti-poaching activist who sat out this entire Mark Trail poaching storyline with a sprained ankle? He’s still talking, apparently! And introducing his entire team of fellow anti-poachers, who also didn’t help Mark out. How long are we supposed to sit still for this nonsense? “I’m a bit of an survivalist!” says the guy who never had to shove a flaming branch into a hippo’s maw or behead a snake or listen to a guy with a flattop talk about his relationship troubles and also demand to be called ‘Dirty’ even once.

Apartment 3-G, 9/23/14

So, we’re really, really going to do this? Just a week of Jack and Carol talking to each other, huh? OK, well, uh, let’s look on the bright side, Jack promised when he left that he was going to commune with the spirits of the dead, so at least we’ll get some creepy action out of WAIT WHAT DAMN IT JACK

Judge Parker, 9/23/14

WHEW, at least something is happening in Judge Parker, if by “something” you mean “the Spencer-Drivers are going to motor off onto the highway in their enormous, gas-guzzling, almost certainly non-road-legal motor home.” Seeing terrified poors driving their adorable li’l compact cars into ditches to avoid being smeared all over the interstate by the Road Queen ought to be good for a laugh or two! By the way, Sam, you bought that thing because you and Abbey abruptly decided you wanted one, for sex purposes, and then the first RV dealership you went to was about to go bankrupt and so sold you one dirt cheap.

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Mark Trail, 9/20/14

Hey, remember when this whole storyline started off, with Woods and Wildlife Magazine sending Mark off to Africa to hook up with anti-poaching activist Jacob Hickman, but then Mark got to Africa and Jacob Hickman had vanished, apparently under suspicious circumstances, so he just invited himself on Chris and Lori’s safari instead? Well, anyway, it turns out Jacob Hickman was fine, mostly, except that he had been delayed and forced to walk back to civilization … forced by rhinos. Ironic, isn’t it Jacob? You do so much for these ungrateful beasts, and yet they still try to kill you. Maybe you’ll lighten up a little on the whole poaching thing now, ha ha! Anyway, seems like Jacob’s working pretty fast to take credit for a whole lot of things that Mark did while he was busy taking his scenic little stroll.

Family Circus, 9/20/14

How much do I love mustache-dude just standing there with his hands behind his back watching Mommy Keane trying to parallel park? This is clearly his favorite form of entertainment. Probably he lurks around smallish parking spaces just waiting for something this exciting to happen. “Oh boy, this lady’s got a station wagon and a little kid in the car! I could get a solid three or four minutes out of this!”

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Mark Trail, 9/18/14

Oh my, I guess Mark Trail rescuing his antagonists from fiery car crashes to show his dominance over them is a story element of the past! Under Mark Trail’s new management, Mark pulls you from a fiery car crash to show his magnanimity, rushes you to a hospital … and then you die, from your animal-poaching sins, after which Mark stoically consoles the woman who couldn’t bring herself to return your romantic affections. I deem this a tough but fair punishment of an unpleasant fictional character for rhino-murder.

I would have very much enjoyed hearing this doctor (who bears an uncanny resemblance to former U.S. Surgeon General David Satcher) explain to Mark and Lori exactly why Chris died. “His injuries didn’t seem life-threatening at first, but despite our best efforts his wounds became infected almost immediately. It’s as if no matter how much we cleaned him, he was always … dirty.”

Beetle Bailey, 9/18/14

I used to think that Beetle Bailey rarely did strips where Sarge and Cookie hang out together because it would make it clear how similar their character designs were to one another. But now I think it’s because such strips would inevitably devolve into unsettlingly child-like violent food-play.