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Mark Trail, 8/7/13

The cruelty of Nature is well documented, but the cruelty of Mark Trail, Man of Nature, retains its power to shock. Blissed-out Rusty nurses his otter and dreams of fishing, but mere days from now he will have neither otter, nor fishing, nor any last shred of hope. Mark just twists the knife, while Andy’s mind is all on dinner. Say — maybe they’ll have fish!

Beetle Bailey, 8/7/13

In the grip of his alcoholic hallucinations, General Halftrack misinterprets Lieutenant Fuzz’s invitation to Where the Wild Things Are costume sexplay. Lt. Fuzz takes it as a rebuff and retires to his quarters for another long night of Patton, tears, and self-abuse.

9 Chickweed Lane (panel), 8/7/13

OK, I take back all the terrible things I said about the Not-Ardins’ mouths yesterday.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/7/13

Heather’s hissy fit reminds Rex what June has in store for him when he gets home. Four months wasted figuring out Milton’s vomiting might be something he ate, and no boat or free meal in it for them anywhere? And now he’s supposed to look into the Alzheimer’s thing, too? These wealthy, entitled jerks! Why, if Milton weren’t his only patient ….

Shoe, 8/7/13

Well OK on the face of it this is one of those “reverse-engineered from the punchline” jokiform utterances we see so often in Shoe, Archie, and Herb and Jamaal. A real-life bird-woman would say, “I surprised my husband in fishnet stockings”, but where are you gonna go with that when you’re on deadline and that tee-time is coming up fast, huh?

But on a deeper level, blondie here is being really unfair — I mean, sometimes a fella just wants to feel pretty, and pantyhose is gross in August and it’s not like I didn’t double-check to see what time you were coming back. Wait — HE! He didn’t check!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 8/5/13

I’m someone who does a lot of swimming, and I’m hard pressed to explain the physical activity in which Mary is engaged in panel one. Her torso appears to be more or less vertical, so she sure doesn’t seem to be swimming. If we imagine her making airplane noises as she flies her hand around, that would explain a lot. Frankly, I’m more concerned with panel two, in which we see Mary’s “negative feelings” dripping from her face in huge, viscous drops. Every rude remark and flash of anger Mary has ever masked under a veneer of vaguely passive aggressive cheer for years is soaking into that pool. If any normal human were to enter it, their flesh would be seared off in seconds.

Better Half, 8/5/13

Stanley is deeply, deeply invested in the traditional social construction of binary gender. Also, his doctor wouldn’t write him a scrip for Viagra, so he’s trying to wheedle it out of his pharmacist.

Hi and Lois, 8/5/13

Oh, man, check out that sexy look Lois is flashing Hi in panel two. Is there any conversation between these two that doesn’t immediately become foreplay? Though Hi’s response seems less “aroused” than “I’m about to be pushed to my physical and mental limits of endurance.”

Heathcliff, 8/5/13

I guess the caption here is supposed to evoke the Game of Thrones “Winter is coming” tagline, and we’re supposed to imagine Heathcliff unleashing a nightmarish storm of meat-acquisition violence on the helpless butchers. But I’m afraid all I can think of when I hear “meat storm” is terrible farts, sorry everyone.

Mark Trail, 8/5/13

“This isn’t going to be that easy, Trail! I’ve got to put down what’s in my hands, grab this shotgun, turn off the safety, cock it, and get a bead on you, all before you have a chance to run across a fairly small ro — oops, didn’t make it. Well, I did my best!”

PROGRAMMING ANNOUNCEMENT! I’ll be on vacation for the next week, but your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be filling in for me, so be nice to him. I shall return to comics mocking on Wednesday, August 14. See ya then!

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Judge Parker, 8/3/13

I have to admit I’m having a hard time getting a read on Judge Parker Senior’s expression in panel two, as he realizes that the concierge at the cruise ship’s business center isn’t just someone who passed some very basic training courses on using Microsoft Word and rebooting the Wi-Fi router, but is actually a gifted screenwriter who is ready to do all the work of adapting his novel for him. Is he having a Sarah Morgan-style epiphany about the emptiness of a life where everything is just handed to him? Or is it more a case of “Yeeeessss, labor is being done for me, as is my due”?

Mark Trail, 8/3/13

See, this is just more proof that Mark is a class act all the way. Sure, he might be forced by circumstances and your own villainy to knock you unconscious by kicking you in the face, but once you’re out he’ll be sure to gently lay your head on a cushy pillow of otter pelts. Or is that a cushy pillow of chilled otter carcasses? Either way, he’s nice, and isn’t afraid of a dead otter.

Better Half, 8/3/13

Harriet is trying to get Stanley riled up for sex, and since this is the Better Half she’s doing it in a really weird and gross way.