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Archive: Mark Trail

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All creatures great and small

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The Phantom, 9/18/20

It appears that Kadia is trying to resist her destiny as the heir to her father’s terrorist empire and the future archnemesis of future Phantomess Heloise by rejecting her mother and, more specifically, all that sweet cash that the Nomad raised via terrorism (?) and stashed in various Swiss bank accounts and/or safe houses full of euros that his wife still controls. Kadia will only accept virtuous handouts, like those from the Walkers, who get their money by occasionally selling priceless cultural artifacts hoarded over the centuries on the black market, Diana’s salary for whatever UN job she does (which there’s a 50-50 chance on any given days it’ll involve numerous compromises with various dictators and warlords), and the presumably lucrative “Unknown Commander” protection racket.

Crankshaft, 9/18/20

OK, when this was just a store going out of business it was all fun and games, but store cats out of work and with nowhere to go? I will not stand for this, it is monstrous, how dare you

Mark Trail, 9/18/20

Meanwhile, America’s #1 syndicated nature comic strip currently in (temporary?) reruns is here to make us think hard about our whole relationship with our pets. Sure, Mark is very attached to Andy, a “great animal,” but who mourns for the rabbit, about to be killed and eaten by a … fox? sure, let’s say fox. That’s just nature’s way! Really makes you think, doesn’t it? (If anything happens to Andy or Felix, there will be blood and it’ll be human blood, just saying.)

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Mostly dogs

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Mark Trail, 9/16/20

“When other people’s beloved pets die, I feel nothing … but now that my beloved pet might die, I’m feeling distress! Is it possible that other people have interior emotional states, like I do?” Yes, folks, Mark is finally learning how to experience empathy, but Cherry still has a long way to go. “But Mark, the awards ceremony! Winning this award will increase your status, and increase your status by an incrementally greater amount if you accept the award in person! Surely you won’t turn down this opportunity due to sadness? Remember, because you’re my spouse, your increased status increases my status as well!”

Beetle Bailey, 9/16/20

We’ve all heard the phrase “don’t top from the bottom,” but Beetle is going for a much higher degree of difficulty and is trying to bottom from the top.

Six Chix, 9/16/20

Good news! We’ve finally gotten a definitive answer as to whether or not Goofy is a dog! Bad news: he’s dead.

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World of Animals III

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“Hello kids, and welcome back to World of Animals — I’m your beloved host, Carl. Lotta changes in my neck of the woods, but some things never change — like entertaining Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

Mark Trail, 9/13/20

“Rusty, can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to be ambushed by a fucking plant? Or do I have to make you sit through Day of the Triffids again?”

Prince Valiant, 9/13/20

“‘Slept’, yeah, you bet — like these mammals don’t mate through the year and around the clock! But check out that vignette of Sea Beast there — one of the OG reptile heroes, cruelly tricked into a watery grave. Live on in our hearts, Sea Beast!”

Sherman’s Lagoon, 9/13/20

“Here’s a fashion tip, Megan: just slip into a tasteful shell and you’ll always be both totalement à la mode and protected from hail.”

Slylock Fox (panel), 9/13/20

“Animal-on-animal injustice is the worst. Sure, Harry’s made some mistakes, but can’t you see he’s gone straight — even bought himself a sweet hybrid car that he drives in electric mode whenever he can. Save a little gas, try to do right by Mother Earth, and get pulled over by some vulpine fascist for driving while hairy. ‘What does the fox say,’ you say? He say, ‘Pull over, I’m — THE MAN!'”

— Turtle Carl, for Uncle Lumpy, who say “Thanks for a fun time, everybody — Josh will be back tomorrow!”