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Mark Trail, 5/30/13

Well, all’s well that ended well for Mark and Cherry and Wes and Shelly! Someday Wes will be able to put weight on his inexpertly set ankle again, Cherry only got lightly mauled by a bear, and probably no more than a few hundred acres of protected forest went up in flames when the gang’s propane tank blew up. It was all worth it, though, if the end result was the final panel: Shelly weeping tears of glorious relief at being within range of a delicious, life-affirming cell phone connection one more.

Marvin, 5/30/13

Marvin’s dad, meanwhile, has encountered kindness in the form of an invitation from a co-worker whose existence is not defined by catering to a squalling, pooping hell-infant. He appears to have gone into shock as a result. Presumably the tears of relief will come later.

Heathcliff, 5/30/13

At first, I thought that the government of Heathcliff’s town had broken the sanitation workers’ union and replaced them all with non-human primates, but then I realized that this ape is apparently … delivering garbage cans? As described by talking owls? Anyway, this has been your daily installment in the Chronicles Of Heathcliff’s Descent Into Total Madness.

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Heathcliff, 5/27/13

The best thing about this Heathcliff is that it almost isn’t creepy. Like, we could just take it at what I’m pretty sure is meant to be face value: that Heathcliff celebrates the beginning of hot grilling seasons by getting up on the roof and throwing a bunch of hot dog buns into the air. (Side note: Do some people say “hot dog buns” and others “hot dog rolls”? Is it a regional thing? Am I weird for thinking “rolls” sounds off?) That would be … well, weird, but not unsettling. But in fact it doesn’t look like Heathcliff has thrown them at all. His arms are barely extended, certainly not enough to explain how far up the hot dog buns are. No, it looks like he really did release them, and they’re flying. They’re alive. The bread flapping like wings. Rustling. Raining crumbs down below. They’re free. They’re free. They’re free. Heathcliff stands, arms extended. The hot dog buns swoop and dive and trill their little song to each other. Grilling season …. has begun.

Slylock Fox, 5/27/13

I’m not even going to get into the extremely dubious physics behind the solution to today’s puzzle because I can’t stop thinking about who drove that car into the water. Because somebody’s dead, right? That playful octopus pushed aside the bloated corpse of Harry Ape or Buford Bull or some other nefarious land-beast, or maybe the octopus is on top of the drowned evil-doer, just draping his tentacles all over the poor guy’s stiffened limbs. And let’s not even talk about the fact that Slylock knew all about this, used his ratiocination to get to the beach before the robber even did, probably watched the car go into the water, watched it sink under. “Let’s take a leisurely walk up the road and get some scuba equipment, Max,” he said. “Things ought to be nice and safe for us down there in about, say, an hour.”

Mark Trail 5/27/13

Guys I … I don’t think Cherry knows where her shoulder is

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/25/13

Oh, hey, I guess I’ve been neglectful of the great Darrin/Frankie confrontation because it’s been … kind of boring? Considering the air of menace that surrounded his earlier appearances, Frankie’s ultimate goal — to put together some kind of ill-conceived reality show about his reunion with Darrin (which, say, shouldn’t they be getting footage right now?) seems relatively harmless. The worst of it is that, since all right-thinking people are assumed to loathe reality television despite its massive popularity, this plot gives Darrin and Jessica the opportunity to indulge in righteous indignation, which is my third-least-favorite Funkyverse emotion, just behind smug self-satisfaction and sexual arousal.

Spider-Man, 5/23/13

Kingpin is a busy, successful entrepreneur, and in his best-selling business memoir Faster! Work Faster!, he taught a generation of CEOs how to extract maximum terrified efficiencies from their employees. But recent challenges in Kingpin’s career have demonstrated that there’s more to being a great manager than just cowing your subordinates. In his new book, Not Without My Minions: Why It’s Better To Be Loved Than Feared But Being Fear-Loved Is Best Of All, he explains that organizational downturns can be used as an opportunity to build loyalty in the face of adversity and gather a fanatically dedicated core team who will stick with you when times get tough. Have your personal assistant look for in the increasingly sparse places where books are sold!

Momma, 5/23/13

Ha ha, it’s funny because nobody likes Momma! I sort of expected that the doctor would be cowering in fear of his relentless hypochondriac nemesis, but instead he regards her with an evil grin, delighting in the way he’s unsettled her, which is frankly a much darker scenario.

Mark Trail, 5/23/13

Meanwhile, in Mark Trail, all this is happening, against a background of apocalyptic flame! Do killer grizzly bears really have adorable pudgy butts like in panel three? Because if so, awwwwww.