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Mark Trail, 4/1/13

“On behalf of tournament officials, we’d like to apologize to you, Mark … apologize that your beloved ward was kidnapped and almost killed by one of our contestants! Ha ha, just kidding, we don’t feel responsible for that at all, and it doesn’t seem like you were that worried about it anyway, so why should we care? We do feel bad about the cheating, though, as that will make us look bad to your readers, who don’t give a rat’s ass about children but are passionate about the integrity of fishing tournaments.”

“Don’t worry, you do a good job … most of the contestants are honest fishermen — guys like Rod are the exception! When it comes to cheating at fishing, I mean. Rod’s pretty typical when it comes to kidnapping little kids. I don’t know what it is, but fisherman just can’t get enough of luring children into their vans. ‘Landfish,’ they call them. And Rusty wonders why I don’t take him fishing more often! Ha ha!”

Crankshaft, 4/1/13

As sad as “Crankshaft replies angrily to the punning TV newscaster” makes me, I think that “Crankshaft sullenly gets in on the punning TV newscaster’s pun-theme” is much, much worse.

Shoe, 4/1/13

“Get it, because burnt food gets all black and crispy? No, but seriously, Roz sells burned and expired food to the poor and desperately hungry, in defiance of local health department regulations and consumer safety laws.”

Family Circus, 4/1/13

Boy, Billy sure is angry at a pagan nature spirit! Nyaaah, where’s your omnipotent patriarchal creator deity now, Billy?

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Judge Parker, 3/30/13

Judge Parker storylines are generally months long and unpredictably aimless, but I have to say that I’m surprised at how quickly “Judge Parker Junior’s elopement doesn’t go as planned” has morphed into “Judge Parker Senior is looking for a way out of his loveless second marriage.”

Blondie, 3/30/31

On a possibly related note, the Bumsteads are pretty much done with each other sexually, as are the Woodleys.

Mark Trail, 3/30/31

Later: “Mark, did you have a chance to get rid of Rusty forever and screw it up? I do not like hearing about this!”

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Mark Trail, 3/29/13

The current Mark Trail plot has ended as most of them do, in violence, so let us take a moment to pause and acknowledge that fact. Yes, Mark has yet to unleash his Fists o’ Justice™, and perhaps they will remain sheathed for the duration of this storyline, but the Flying Tackle of Fury® is also a venerable Trailian tradition, and respect must be paid, even if “tradition” might kind of be code for “there is one ancient original Mark Trail drawing of someone tackling someone else at the waist, and it’s just been endlessly photocopied and traced over the course of the decades.”

Mary Worth, 3/29/13

Meanwhile, what in the name of all that is holy is happening to Elinor’s face — nay, her whole head — in panel one? It’s like she can’t be satisfied with just faking some ailment to nip her daughter’s chances of romantic happiness in the bud; she’s going to actually will herself into a stroke using the power of sheer hatred, with the unsettling resulting skull distortion we can all see, much to our horror.

Family Circus, 3/29/13

Aww, isn’t that cute! The Keanes are using Billy to run a Social Security disability benefits scam!