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The Lockhorns, 6/4/12

I guess the “surprise” is supposed to be whatever the brownish glop on Leroy’s plate is, but since every Lockhorns meal involves earth-tone glop of some sort, and since Loretta hasn’t served herself anything, maybe something more momentous has happened. After all, despite endless decades of marital combat and mutual loathing, what could be more surprising than one partner in this hell-union finally announcing that he or she was leaving? It’s always seemed that they can’t imagine a life beyond their endless, claustrophobic war, and so if Loretta really is about to grab her bag and walk out forever, it would explain why Leroy is looking even more slumped over and crumple-faced that usual. After all these years, what will he do? Will he have the capacity to do anything other than stare at the brown glop for hours, as it congeals?

Spider-Man, 6/4/12

My experience with Broadway theaters is fairly limited, but they’re mostly older buildings and often surprisingly small and cramped. So, kudos to the owners of this theater for retrofitting it so well for handicap accessibility that Clown-9 can drive his duckhead-car (which isn’t exactly large but is still significantly bigger than, say, a Rascal mobility scooter) off the street, through the doors, and right up the aisle! Meanwhile, anti-kudos go to the artist of this strip, who apparently realized that they forgot to make Peter visible in panel two and decided “Enh, we’ll just put his face in a weird little circle thought-bubbling out of nowhere.”

Mark Trail, 6/4/12

You better watch yourself there, mister, because littering in America’s majestic wilderness and murder aren’t that far apart in Mark’s moral code! Note in panel one that Mark has a firm grip on his belt — it’s the only way he can stop himself from punching this guy a time or three right now.

Herb and Jamaal, 6/4/12

Looks like Herb’s mother-in-law has been spending some time with her favorite book, Incredibly Bland Aphorisms From History’s Insanest Philosophers.

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Judge Parker, 5/25/12

It’s nice to know that I can do my best to come up with a ludicrously favorable plot outcome for a Judge Parker hero and still undershoot things. See, I thought that Avery Blackstone would sign off on Sam’s unduly generous and hastily written contract proposals only after Sam proved his fly-fishing prowess, when in fact Avery is so eager to spend some dude time with Sam that he’s willing to just skip the hard-hitting negotiations that are the entirety of his job duties. Presumably, once the two of them head down to a trout-filled brook, one of their flies will snag on the handle of a suitcase half-buried in the stream bed. They’ll pull it out and open it, find millions of dollars in bundled hundreds, and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Mark Trail, 5/25/12

“Plus, I suppose, emotionally devastated, world falling apart, blah blah blah. I don’t know her very well, so I can’t say for sure that she has basic human emotions.”

Mary Worth, 5/25/12

“But wait, Dawn, I wanted to show you my latest invention — half ham sandwich, half Pop-Tart. I call it a Meat-Tart! Instead of frosting, it has mayonnaise!”

Ziggy, 5/25/12

In the post-apocalyptic future, the dwindling supplies of food are under the control of warlords and their gangs, and these thugs won’t accept the dead government’s fiat money in payment. They’ll only take payment in ammo and sex, and Ziggy is out of luck on both counts.

Six Chix, 5/25/12

The American judicial system’s hidden crisis: horny old ladies.

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Apartment 3-G, 5/24/12

Oh, say, what’s been going on in History’s Greatest Love Story, the tale of Nina and Scott Gaines? Well, Scott is determined to win back Nina’s love, and has decided that the best way to do that is to spend all his free time hanging out with the woman he was caught smooching, in a wacky misunderstanding of a totally innocent moment drunken face-mashing. Margo, whose plans to derive sexual pleasure from Scott have been stymied, now decides to try to extract some money from him instead, in the form of lucrative fees for her shoddy PR services. Scott is cartoonishly wealthy person, but there’s never been evidence that he’s ever done anything interesting enough for the rumor mill to take notice of, though that may soon change now that the woman he’s rumored to be having an affair with has suddenly been put on his payroll.

I don’t want to tell Margo how to do her job (really, I don’t, men have been killed for less), but if I were Scott’s PR manager, my first bit order of business would be to forbid him from leaving the house in a turtleneck/sports jacket combo (aka “the Robert Wagner”) ever again.

Mark Trail, 5/24/12

Wow, we’re all pretty hard on Mark for his inability to understand the motivations of humans or love his wife or talk as if he weren’t a soulless mandroid. But is it possible that he exhibits those behaviors only because he focuses all his mental energy on collecting seemingly insignificant bits of information and sifting through them like a Sherlock Holmes-style supersleuth? Ha ha, obviously not, we all know Mark is a moron. Anyway, since the mystery of Who Killed The Guy Mark’s Friend Gene Certainly Didn’t Kill is now solved (SPOILER: IT IS THE DEAD MAN’S WIFE, WHOM WE MET EARLIER THIS WEEK AND WHO IS OBVIOUSLY SHADY AND PROBABLY RECENTLY QUIT SMOKING, JUST YOU WAIT) maybe we can focus on the brutal murder of that innocent bird, which is going on in plain sight of Mark as he natters on about gum wrappers.

Pluggers, 5/24/12

Pluggers refuse to acknowledge that everyone they’ve ever known and loved is dying. “Gizmo isn’t dead, do you hear me? James M. Smith, Jr., that man in the coffin — I’ve never heard of him. I can call up my old buddy Gizmo and talk to him anytime I want. Don’t feel like doing it just now, but it’s good knowing that I can.”

Mary Worth, 5/24/12

ROMANCE TIP: You need to give your ex a little time before inviting her to have a three-way with you and your new girlfriend.