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Mark Trail, 9/27/11

Is it possible for a character in Mark Trail to behave in a fashion so detached from the realities of human motivation that he will shock even Mark into self-awareness? To recap: Mountie McQueen is afraid that people will find out that he and his mother are engaged in the odd but (to the best of my knowledge) wholly innocent and legal pastime of putting bands printed with bible verses on the legs of geese. This bible-banding operation was stumbled upon by Andy, a dog who can neither understand what he saw at Mother McQueen’s cabin nor describe it to anyone else. Nevertheless, the risk of exposure is too great, and now Andy must be taken prisoner based on a completely fabricated rabies scare.

Mark’s befuddled “What?” shows that this is one insane thing too much even for a man who deals with insane things without comment every day of his life. If nothing else, one must assume that Andy’s rabies shots are all up to date, seeing as Mark’s live-in father-in-law is a vet. (You’d also think that Andy would have been fixed, too, though the way he scampered off after Princess might imply otherwise.)

Funky Winkerbean, 9/27/11

Oh look, it’s the time of year where Les worries frantically that his Lisa’s Legacy Walk will somehow go awry and fail to keep up its streak of not curing cancer. This year everyone will be pelted by a cold rain, which, if we’re lucky, will mean that after the strip’s next time jump Summer will be running the Les’s Legacy Walk to cure pneumonia.

Gil Thorp, 9/27/11

Was that sports action in panel one too thrilling for you? Don’t worry: in panel two, you only have to hear about a fumble being run back for a touchdown, and can relax by just looking at a guy handing a football to a ref. In panel three, just enjoy a soothing Marty Moon closeup rather than looking at something anxiety-inducing like a successful two-point conversion.

Momma, 9/27/11

Aren’t Momma’s memories of her long-dead husband usually quite worshipful? This strip implies that she held him in as much passive-aggressive contempt as she does her children. Actually, from the dubious way that picture is looking at her, it seems that she’s had his soul preserved in photographic form via dark magic, the better to torment him throughout eternity.

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Mark Trail, 9/16/11

I feel that this is a good opportunity to point out that Mark Trail is probably the worst comic strip out there when it comes to depicting responsible pet ownership. Remember a few years back, when a terribly depressed little girl got even more depressed because her puppy got kidnapped? Now, far be it for me to blame the puppy-kidnapping victim, but I felt that at some point during the proceedings of that storyline someone, possibly Mark, should have said something along the lines of “Hey, little girl, do you know why those kidnappers were able to kidnap your dog? Because you just let it run freely around your neighborhood at night! In fact, even in some kind of magical fantasy world where puppy-napping isn’t rampant, your puppy could easily have gotten hit by car, or attacked by a raccoon or coyote! Or maybe it just would have decided to run off with another family. Keep your dog indoors or in an enclosed yard, always!”

But of course Mark doesn’t say this, because he’s terrible. In fact, he just lets his dog Andy roam around and go wherever he wants! In this case, Andy has, after pursuing a lady dog named Princess (which implies that Andy hasn’t been fixed, another way Mark is a terrible pet owner), ended up in the hands of Sgt. McQueen’s mother, the lady who’s been putting the Bible bands on the geese. She’s shown her villainy by putting Andy in “prison” (i.e., a fenced yard) and trying to find out who he belongs to. This is exactly the same degree of evil as was displayed by her putting metal bands with Bible verses on the legs of geese, which is to say none at all.

Mary Worth, 9/16/11

Oh my goodness, sexy Bobby Long is on the “New York Blazes!” He’s on their “most eligible roster,” on-field and off! Which means, uh, what exactly? What the hell kind of soccer team has a “most eligible roster” on-field? Or off-field? Maybe the “New York Blazes” is actually a stable of male prostitutes, that soccer ball is just a prop to show he’s “athletic,” and Gina’s long-awaited reunion is about to get spendy.

Six Chix, 9/16/11

As America grows more diverse, our schools need to be able to embrace and educate children from a wide variety of backgrounds. Still, I don’t think I could blame a teacher for disliking a student who’s an actual demon from hell.

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OK, so here is my excuse as to why I was late with the first few days of this week’s comics, which is that I was in scenic Orlando, Florida. While in America’s #1 Central Florida tourist destination, I stopped by the Universal Islands of Adventure, and while maybe I was mostly interested in Harry-Potter-related activities, I was also keenly aware, thanks to a steady trickle of photos sent to me by faithful readers over the years, that there was a real live Mark Trail diorama to be found. And when I spotted it, it was all I had hoped and dreamed of … and more!

Yes, here we have Mark and Billy Keane interacting, for some reason! And what the pictures I had seen couldn’t convey was the fact that this display has an audio component as well! As I stood nearby and pretended to menace Mark with my feeble fist, his soothing voice was piped in from a speaker above his head, informing us that he works for Woods and Wildlife Magazine and loved nature. For reasons I cannot comprehend, Mark is the only character in the whole Toon Lagoon area who gets to speak! Do you think that any of that makes sense to anyone who visits the park, other than the soap opera strip obsessives who read this blog?

There were other characters on display there, and a weird grab-bag they were. They certainly weren’t the most popular characters, but they also weren’t from any one comics syndicate, which means we can rule out corporate synergy as a basis for the character choices. For instance, there’s this Shoe display! Kids love Shoe, right?

You also have the opportunity to stand directly under Marvin’s no-doubt poop-filled diaper:

And you can get some ice cream, if you aren’t scared off by Cathy’s looming crotch.

In summary, the Toon Lagoon section of the Islands of Adventure is a good place to spend a few minutes of ironic bafflement before moving on to actually fun parts of the park. (Although the Dudley Do-Right log flume ride is pretty great. I had forgot how completely pun-tastic that show was!)