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Dennis the Menace, 3/7/11

Fart joke + slur on treasured American brand = Menace Level 4.7. Points off for the grin.

Mark Trail, 3/7/11

Mark realizes he will soon be shipwrecked with a boatload of arms smugglers! At that precise moment, a beloved animal friend appears as if to remind him that it’s turtles all the way down. That must have been some bump on the head.

Note to comic strip characters: whether you are a man or a woman, it is OK to be named Lonnie. Do not, however, stand next to anybody named Lonnie, whether on the street or at the altar.

Dick Tracy, 3/7/11

Ah, the deaths of Dick Tracy villains. Torched in a wind generator fire. Killed in a fall from the U.S. Capitol Rotunda. Brain wiped clean. Killed in a fall down a smokestack. Blown to bits. Crushed under a bulldozer. Dismembered by a pack of dogs. Immolated in a car fire. Pancaked by a falling antique warplane. And now, eaten alive by rats. Say it with me: Eaten. Alive. By. Rats.

Next Sunday, the Dick Tracy franchise will pass to a new creative team. So Mr. Brozman, thank you for the wonderful rats. And sincere congratulations on your retirement, Mr. Locher — for the five years this blog has followed you through thick and thin, you have never disappointed, not once.

Momma, 3/7/11

What passes for pride in the Mommaverse.

Luann, 3/7/11

Tiffany counts on her fingers how many minutes it will take her to “date” the rest of the football team.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mark Trail, 3/5/11

Like classic James Bond films, each recent Mark Trail episode one-ups its predecessor with a more exotic location, nastier villain, and hotter babe. Lost Forest, deer-kickin’ Frank Johnson, and Cherry gave way to glamorous Sea Breeze Fishing Camp, stylishly sinister Ben Smith, and sultry Kelly Welly, only to be topped by the azure vistas of Balmy Palmy Isle, our mysterious — yet somehow fabulous — paranoid druglord, and Ms. Hotsie Highwaist here.

Where will it end, this relentless upward spiral of scenery, villainy, and babery? I suspect on the Moon, with Mark savagely beating Kim Jong-Il while remaining strangely indifferent to the charms of Olivia Wilde or somebody. Because Mark can best any villain anywhere, but he shrinks from female contact, as shown in panel two.

Mary Worth, 3/5/11

Driven mad by the Internet, Dawn Weston seeks comfort from her only true friend — that pregnant lady from her Dad’s eating-disorders support group who moved to Charterstone after her retirement and divorce last October. Aaack!

Marmaduke, 3/5/11

From the look of the leftovers, Marmaduke has eaten several sports teams, Mary Poppins, a NASCAR pit crew, neighbor Snyder, and the cop sent to investigate.

Spider-Man, 3/5/11

Yes, vampirism — the only possible explanation! Because seriously — it’s 4:45, and why else would Peter miss The View?

See how quickly Mary Jane rejects the obvious “My husband is a worthless layabout!” in favor of the dramatic “My husband has been overcome by the forces of darkness!” Acting has really honed her denial skills.

Hi! I’m sitting in this week while Josh is on vacation. If you have any site or comment trouble, contact me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net. Email sent to bio@jfruh.com will still get to Josh, but he won’t read it, because, you know, vacation.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Blondie, 3/3/11

There’s something I’m profoundly missing about today’s Blondie. Mostly, I’m completely befuddled as to what un-thought-ballooned thoughts we’re supposed to understand to be ruminating in the minds of the two characters in the second panel of this strip. Presumably it’s something that makes panel three funny, or at least makes it make sense. Is barber M. Morelli’s weirdly prominent nameplate relevant somehow? Is Dagwood pausing because he believes his dictatorial boss, whose spies are everywhere, might be listening in on him at this very moment? Perhaps he fears that the huge, unbroken pane of glass is a one-way mirror that Mr. Dithers is hiding on the other side of, seething.

Judge Parker, 3/3/11

Oh, look, the demonization of the latest female Judge Parker guest star is proceeding apace! Our formerly pleasant college student suddenly has turned hard-faced and cruel, as she pushes forward with marketing Judge Parker’s terrible thriller despite the death of her boss. Will we find out that Constance literally threw her boss under the bus? Will Constance’s plot end violently, and in turn become fodder for another Judge Parker book, which will be promoted by yet another murderess? I think I’m beginning to understand why the publishing world is in so much trouble.

Apartment 3-G, 3/3/11

Ha ha, I love Trey’s look of fish-lipped horror in panel two as he processes the phrase “life and stuff.” “My God, I thought he was just a rough-around-the-edges working-class guy, but no, he really is quite stupid.”

Mark Trail, 3/3/11

Oh my God, Mark’s been separated from his razor and is starting to show signs of a beard! HE’S BECOME WHAT HE HATES THE MOST.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/3/11

Oh, hey, and someone tried to hire June Morgan as a stripper! So there’s that.