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Mary Worth, 2/12/10

Ha ha, look at Dawn’s face in panel one: she can barely contain her joy as this wave of class hatred washes over her. Lies and deceit? A father who never lived up to his responsibilities? A son who was rejected by his blood relatives because he came from the wrong side of the tracks? Whatever! Wilbur is HERS HERS HERS HERS again! It’s like Christmas! Thanks, spiteful and terrible old drunk lady! Dawn will never forget you!

Herb and Jamaal, 2/12/10

Wow, Herb and Jamaal has taken on an interesting new idea: making everyday sayings hilariously concrete. Either that, or Eula has finally decided to get rid of her hated son-in-law once and for all, by using a fast-acting muscular paralytic.

B.C., 2/12/10

Johnny Hart’s grandson Mason Mastroianni is less than three years into his gig as B.C. artist and already he’s gone mad with power, imagining himself as a wrathful God who keeps His creations quaking in constant terror.

Pluggers, 2/12/10

This is possibly the most depressing Pluggers every produced. Damn you, pluggers, I don’t care that your bodies are so ill-maintained that the mere thought of vigorous activity, sexual or otherwise, has you reaching for some kind of muscle-soothing unguent; I for one plan to take my clothes of for recreational purposes when I get old.

Of course, it’s possible that pluggers don’t have anything against sex per se, but simply find the combination of sex and nudity morally distasteful. Thus, they only get it on when their worn, greasy pajama pants develop holes in suitable locations.

Mark Trail 2/12/10

“Yeah, my doctor, he said, ‘Senator, you can’t just go around slapping people who irritate you, because one of these days someone’s going to beat the crap out of you and then you’ll probably die, you miserable old prick.'”

SAD AND DEPRESSING JUDGE PARKER UPDATE: Several readers wrote to tell me that it looks like Judge Parker artist Eduardo Barreto is gravely ill from meningitis and is unable to continue his duties on the soap strip. While I and others have poked fun at his, er, voluptuous ladies, I think we all appreciate his work on the strip, which is really unlike anything else on the comics page (with the possible exception of the art from his friend Graham Nolan on RMMD). I sincerely hope that Barreto’s health improves, and I know that it will be very difficult for King Features to find a replacement who will live up to what he’s done over the past few years.

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Mary Worth, 2/10/10

Mary Worth is well aware that its seemingly sure-fire fake-bastard-son plot is floundering into boredom, with most of the action involving people seething inwardly while they stare at computers. Thus, it’s necessary to bring out a narrative trump card: a hilarious and drunken old lady! Ah, Helen Clark! Still haven’t recovered emotionally from your party’s defeat in New Zealand’s 2008 general election, have you? With your face twisted with drink and the rage that comes from being interrupted in your drinking, staring down to into your tasty ketchup-and-Stoli cocktail, talking into your princess phone, which has no obvious cradle for the handset — you, madam, are a breath of fresh air, if by “fresh” one means “reeking of vodka,” and I for one most certainly do mean that.

Note that even in the midst of this exciting storytelling gambit, Dawn is still diddling around on the Internet, which I’m beginning to think is a result of the Mary Worth team either taking payola from the consortium of Chinese factories that manufacture all consumer electronics, or losing some kind of bet.

Mark Trail, 2/10/10

Mark Trail, on the other hand, doesn’t have to resort to any kind of gimmickry to keep our attention; this wacky fight scene is simultaneously the funniest thing on the comics page today and exactly what one might expect from this strip after yesterday’s slap-happy senatorial antics. It’s hard for me to even begin to decide which panel I like most. Is it panel one, in which Joe punches an elderly politician in the face while (in accordance with the iron-clad Code of the Forest) shunning contractions? Is it panel two, in which a squirrel observes these foolish humans and their violent dispute-resolution process with an inscrutable and disinterested eye? I may actually prefer panel three; Moe’s dialogue implies that we’ve got a vicious and possibly fatal beating in progress, but the art makes it look like he just wants a hug, just a little affection from Mark, is that too much to ask?

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Mark Trail, 2/9/10

OH, SNAP! The physical assault has begun in Mark Trail, and, since I didn’t cheat by reading ahead with These Strange Worlds, I’m actually pretty shocked that the initial perpetrator is not Joe (or possibly Moe) Parker, but rather this distinguished-looking senator, who isn’t so distinguished that he can’t slap an angry lake-bully with his pimp hand when he gets his dander up. Now, um, maybe this is how elected officials ran constituent services back in the ’70s, but I rather think that this was a poor tactical move on the senator’s part. Surely Moe (or possibly Joe) will be on Fox and/or MSNBC (depending the senator’s political affiliation) in short order, dishing up dirt, and blogs will be falling over each other to come up with “heavy handed” puns. At least there aren’t any cameras around to put the YouTube clip into heavy rotation.

Family Circus, 2/9/10

Once again, you’ve underestimated your brother’s idiocy, Dolly, as he’s actually brushed his teeth with peanut butter. You can see that he’s trying to come up with some retort, but hasn’t been able to pry his jaws apart yet.

Hi and Lois, 2/9/10

I kind of like Lois’s stunned expression; it implies that Chip just let loose with a blues number expressing a deep, existential sadness, the sort of dark, powerful emotion that his mother never even imagined possible, let alone that it might reside in her teenage son. Trixie, as ever, can think of nothing but shitting herself.

Hagar the Horrible, 2/9/10

“That’s because, after days being left hanging here, my shoulders have been terribly dislocated and will never heal properly! I’ll won’t be able to move my arms comfortably again for as long as I live! Ha ha, torture, amiright?”