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Dennis the Menace, 2/1/09

“OH NO,” I thought as I read today’s Dennis the Menace, “THIS IS AS NON-MENACING AS IT GETS!” Dennis having sleepy-time fun, engaging in ludicrously wholesome pursuits with Mr. Wilson? “MAN, I LOVE PISTACHIO!” “I LIKE STRAWBERRY!” Gah! SO NOT MENACING AT ALL.

But really, give this strip a moment’s thought (which, for the record, is about three-quarters of a moment more than it deserves). Look at the fixed, deranged grin on Mr. Wilson’s face, particularly in the first panel of the second row. The poor man is obviously not enjoying himself; he’s a mere puppet in Dennis’s dreamworld, where the towheaded monster is all-powerful and is forcing the put-upon retiree to leave his comfortable home and consort with his greatest nemesis. Dennis’s plea in the final panel isn’t some cutesy, childish inability to understand the difference between dreams and reality; in fact, he has created some kind of Nightmare On Elm Street shared universe with the fitfully sleeping Mr. Wilson up the street, who is being compelled by forces he doesn’t understand to frolic for another’s amusement. Dennis thinks he’s getting Mr. Wilson to “have fun,” but like most children, he doesn’t understand that his likes and dislikes aren’t shared by everybody. George Wilson will run and fish and hike and eat ice cream, a rictus smile on his face, until he drops dead of a heart attack.

And even if this really is just an ordinary dream, one has to wonder about Dennis’s unhealthy fixation on his elderly neighbor, to the exclusion of others who might actually want to go fishing and hiking with him. One imagines him breathlessly recounting this wonderful dream over the breakfast table, while he father silently dies inside.

Mark Trail, 2/1/09

OH MY GOD ADORABLE TINY LITTLE MOUSE DANGLING OFF OF DISCARDED DEER ANTLER = CUTEST MARK TRAIL IMAGE EVER!!!!!!

I’m increasingly concerned about Mark Trail’s mixed messages; first he’s all “Wild animals are not pets” but now he’s like “Sure, go right up to that deer and look in its mouth to figure out how old it is, can’t see anything going wrong with that.” At least he didn’t give the answer I expected, which was to cut the deer in half and count the rings.

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Mark Trail, 1/30/09

Uh-oh! Looks like we’re going to be getting to the punchery much sooner than anticipated! Obviously, the world of Mark Trail does not conform to our simple linear Earth-logic, but there are a few things going on here that are laughable even by this strip’s standards:

• It’s laughable that any adult human — even one as demonstrably dim as poor deerophilic Patty — would require photo-taking instructions so basic as to make it seem that she’s never encountered one of these so-called “cameras” before. “And you promise that this won’t actually put you and Bucky inside the little box, right?”
• It’s laughable that someone would be jealous at discovering Mark alone with his wife, as anyone who’s exchanged two sentences with the man would realize that sex baffles and terrifies him.
• It’s laughable that anyone would be able to clench his hand into a fist within half a mile of Mark without Mark hearing the tell-tale crinkling of palm-flesh and instantly being on the alert. WATCH OUT, KEN!

Marvin, 1/30/09

“Hmm, I seem to have written a joke that requires the grandfather character to be asleep without the reader realizing it until the third panel! This is tricky because, according to my research, most people close their eyes when they sleep, and eyes are something I draw when I do cartoons. Hmm, let me think, let me think … I could have him wear sunglasses, inside for some reason … no, that doesn’t make sense. Or, I could draw his regular eyeglasses such that you can’t see his pupils. That is at odds with how I’ve drawn him every other time he’s appeared in the strip, but, as I think I mentioned, I already came up with the joke, so it’ll have to do.”

Crankshaft, 1/30/09

If there’s one thing guaranteed to shock and disgust Crankshaft, it’s a sincere expression of human affection.

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Funky Winkerbean, 1/25/09

I’m having a bit of trouble understanding exactly what the idea is that sassy Montoni’s waitress Rachel is trying to get across in the final two panels. Is it “We cover up our anxiety about the quality of our food by aggressively insisting that you eat it at all and pretend to be enjoying it, even though you’ll probably suffer a massive heart attack about halfway through, because of the grease?”

I am not, however, having a hard time following what’s happening on this date. Apparently, earlier Cayla told Les, in a sultry voice and with hooded eyes, that she “didn’t want to be good anymore.” Naturally, he interpreted this as somehow relating to her diet, so he took her to his artery-busting place of part-time employment. The fact that he thinks he’s impressing her by throwing his weight around at the local fast-food place, where he took an afterschool job not because he needed the money but because he was lonely and wanted to spy on his teenage daughter, tells you everything you need to know the direction in which this date is going.

Phantom, 1/25/09

The current Sunday Phantom storyline has featured Kani, a juvenile delinquent from the mean streets of Mawitaan, being rehabilitated by the Phantom and his cheerful children. Today Kani learns a few lessons that will do him well in the tough, gang-ridden environment where he grew up: that punches with padded gloves will easily best men with guns (this coming from the only superhero I know who carries a pistol), and that when you land a particularly good punch your opponents will remark favorably on your pugilistic skills. Surely if the big purple guy just wanted Kani offed, he could do it more efficiently than this; presumably this is part of some elaborate reality-prank show, where Kani will get gunned down in an alley on his first day back home and then they’ll play a muted-horn wanh wanh WANNNNH.

Slylock Fox, 1/25/09

The main Slylock Fox mystery isn’t particularly interesting to me today (he’s going to eat the fortune? really?) but I am charmed by the puzzle in the strip’s top layer. Presumably, Grandpa has set up this elaborate brain-teaser to make his grandkids feel bad both about their intellectual limitations and about forgetting his birthday. “So you know the birthday cards you get every year with a $20 bill inside? Well, you can forget seeing any more of those. That’s now what I call ‘Grandpa’s bourbon fund.'”

Mark Trail, 1/25/09

Coloring madness during the week (and yes, I do intend to follow up with you nice people who contacted me about it, I swear) can at least be explained by the fact that the Monday-through-Saturday strips are drawn and colored by different people, who don’t necessarily speak to one another. That doesn’t help answer the question of why this Sunday strip features what appear to be pigeons bearing parakeet markings. Presumably next week’s nature lesson will be about wild mushrooms: which are OK to eat and which are OH MY GOD THE COLORS THE COLORS.