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Mark Trail, 10/15/08

I cannot believe that I was taken so completely aback by this totally obvious development, but I was, to my great delight. Ha ha, another sexy seemingly not-insane gal cannot resist Mark Trail and his grinning, tan-clad quasi-autistic stylings! There’s a lot to love about this strip, but I’ll start with the fact that Sue Butler was apparently relaxing in her home with her feet tucked underneath her; note how she daintily slips her toes into her slipper, like the lady that she is! I also like the fact that she’s hanging around the house wearing some kind of form-fitting all-white outfit; she knows that if she wants to bag Mark, she’ll have to advertise her purity, because nothing repulses him like sex appeal.

Curtis, 10/15/08

180 degrees by 180 degrees? That’s … that’s not how geometry works, I don’t think. I’ll admit that those measurements may well denote something that’s not round, but rather “round.”

Note that Gunk’s enormous head appears to be protruding from a Flyspeck Island volcano in the third panel. Does that make him the strange land’s Supreme Being? Is he cheerfully telling the tale of how he, as a vengeful God, wiped out all life on earth as a whim? That would go a long way towards explaining this.

Family Circus, 10/15/08

“Yes, sweetie! You see, your daddy and I got to be about sixteen and we couldn’t resist our filthy, sinful urges for each other’s hot, sexy bodies anymore, so we had to wrap them up in marriage’s holy sacrament.”

(I was originally going to write a joke about a failed attempt to abandon newborn Billy in the bathroom at the prom, but I decided it was in poor taste even for me.)

Apartment 3-G, 10/15/08

Oh, Margo, you lovable minx! “This unholy mess” is, naturally, Alan’s blood, splattered all over the Mills Gallery. You could try collecting it for your delectation later, Margo. I know you usually go for the blood of the innocent, but if you’re lucky there might be some traces of dope left in it.

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Mark Trail, 10/10/08

OK, I think we all know where this is going — Sue will be so touched by Mark rescuing her from an alligator and the simple kindness of these forest folk that she will inexplicably allow her valuable swampland to remain a haven for dangerous reptiles, rather than develop it into a strip mall anchored by a Barnes and Noble and a P.F. Chang’s, as God intended. This will set up a conflict with her money-minded ex-boyfriend, whom Mark may have to punch, blah blah blah.

The possible wildcard is Sneaky. Everyone insists on treating him as some kind of lovable household pet when he’s clearly a filthy, thieving wild animal who you shouldn’t turn your back for a second. Ha ha, he’s stealing my wallet! Ha ha, he’s clawing at my daughter’s face! Look into those beady little eyes in panel three and just try to tell me that there’s anything going through his head right now other than “BITE BITE BITE BITE BITE BITE BITE BITE BITE BITE BITE”.

Family Circus, 10/10/08

Good lord, is anything safe from Angry Billy’s flailing, aimless rage? Now he’s incensed at the very concept of the linear progression of time itself. “Seven sucks! I hate seven! I want to be six forever! SIX! SIX! Screw you, seven!” Personally, I’d be pretty nervous being in such close proximity to this tightly wound little rage-stump, but Grandma looks remarkably serene. Maybe she’s somehow got inside information on the exact time and place of the inevitable killing spree.

Spider-Man, 10/10/08

Peter Parker spent the early part of this week bitching about the idea of a museum show of clocks, but now he’s decided that it might be a good place to intercept the fake Spider-Man because, you know, trying to figure out something better would be hard. He’s also not traveling around in costume because of the dastardly deeds of the aforementioned fake Spider-Man, so he’s apparently chosen just to climb up the side of this wall, in broad daylight, without hiding his identity in any way because who cares. This strip should change its name from The Amazing Spider-Man to Spider-Man: Whatever.

Pluggers, 10/10/08

Everyone knows that plugger coffee comes in a $12 can that lasts for months, and is made with a scoop of crystals and some boiling water. Dog-man plugger here would be no more likely to be leaving the store with a bag of coffee beans than he would with arugula or a copy of the Economist.

By the way, I’ve seen Reed Hoover’s name in Pluggers often enough that I Googled him to find out how he became such a plugger-savant, only to find this two-year-old article from the Dallas Morning News. I urge you to read it all the way to the very end! You will not regret it.

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Mary Worth, 10/5/08

If I had to Scotch^® tape an episode of Mary Worth to the side of Voyager XLIV or whatever the hell number they’re up to now, it would be this classic: blue-and-yellow drama lighting, hand-jivin’ histrionics, a “happier times” bedstand photo and the lonely, lonely park bench Toby fears will be her future home. Added bonus: no Mary! Why inflict her on the stars, and risk their terrible retribution?

Ian’s fury, of course, is less about trust than the unconscionable $1.09 charge from Pretty Purposes. It’s tempting to suspect Toby’s dream of duplicity equal to Ian’s — a message from her subconscious to get out now! But since Toby never listens to her conscious, what chance could its downstairs neighbor have?

Panel from Judge Parker, 10/5/08

Ha ha ha! Wait, we missed that?

Panel from Pardon My Planet, 10/5/08

You know, you two never smile any more, and your looks are starting to go. It’s pretty obvious blow has taken over your lives, and it’s time for an intervention. I know a lady.

Panel from Funky Winkerbean, 10/5/08

I think we’re in for a week of “Everybody Loves the Dead Chick.”

Here’s an exercise: We’ve had phishing in Mary Worth, hospice care in Rex Morgan, M.D., illiteracy in Crankshaft, pet adoption in Mutts, and of course — interminably — “Cancer is Bad” in Funky Winkerbean. I’m sure I’ve forgotten scores of others, but what new Public Service Announcement opportunities are out there for a comic strip that wants to Make a Difference rather than Entertain its Readers? Shoe cautions us about the dangers of H5N1* Bird Flu? Sherman’s Lagoon demonstrates best practices for water safety? Get Fuzzy portrays Bucky’s valiant struggle with rabies?

* Corrected from HN51 — thank you faithful reader Victor, and damn you, Google — damn you straight to hell!

Panel from Mark Trail, 10/5/08

But why go out on such a sour note? Look! It’s a skink!

Josh will be back tomorrow with COTW — and maybe tales of his Hot Blogger calendar photo shoot in NYC?

Thanks everybody for a fun week!

— Uncle Lumpy