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Fists aplenty as the new week explodes with action! Let’s dive in:

Judge Parker, 6/30/2008

“Cheatham House” is a good choice to publish this novel — there may be rough bloody justice on the dust jacket, but it’s 400 pages of contract negotiations on the inside. Manly stalwart Sam Driver is up to the task, with the proviso he won’t have to kiss any icky girls.

Mark Trail, 6/30/2008

“Unpredictable” Kelly Welly closes the deal on a week of foreshadowing, planting good Moss Green in the good green moss.

The Phantom, 6/30/2008

Ghost-who-trespasses got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Dick Tracy, 6/30/2008

Dick’s high tech is stymied again, and all he can do is wave his tiny fist in panel 2. He’s the Ted Forth of crimefighters.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 6/21/2008

Aw, we’ve been unfair to poor Tommie, portraying her as the wallflower of the A3-G pack just because — well, because she’s so gawdawful boring. The facts give us the lie: Tommie has been getting more “action” than LuAnn and Margo combined! Behold:

Apartment 3-G, 9/11/2006, 2/3/2007, 12/4/2007

In the short span of two years, Tommie’s been kissed four times, by three different guys. You parents may want to keep your kids away from the funnies until they’re a bit older. The kids, I mean.

Crankshaft, 6/20/2008, 6/21/2008

And while we’re making amends, how about a kind word for Ed Crankshaft? I mean, sure, he’s squandered two weeks of our goodwill and attention on joke-shaped utterances that would shame the AGLU-2000, and yes, I mean before the upgrade. But c’mon — look how easily Warylook McSeatpartner there manipulates him into shutting the hell up: trade seats, buy him a Pabst®, rattle on about fictitious grandchildren, and watch the old coot tune out and drift off.

That smile in the last panel is the real heartbreaker — Ed’s not really a mean guy, he’s just trying to cover up his incomprehension of and insecurity with anything beyond the familiar routines of his many years. So let us speak no more of “Ed Crankshaft — asshole” and find a warm place in our hearts for “Ed Crankshaft — pathetic asshole.”

Mark Trail, 6/21/2008

Oh, where to begin? Well, “Moss Green”, for starters — Elrod’s apparently started cribbing names from the Dick Tracy archives. Then there’s the postmodern twist that it’s Kelly Welly’s vaunted “unpredictability” that utterly preordains every single panel we’ll see in the next month. But my favorite is Cherry cinching up that diamond hitch all by her ownself. That’s a tough knot for two people to get right, so when Cherry goes all “Help me, Mark!” in the rainy woods some night a month from now, I for one will not be buying it.

— Uncle Lumpy

PS Luann — Hey TJ — Help is on the way! Four days until The Kiss!

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Everybody nags writers, “Show, don’t tell.” But when the showing fails and the deadline draws nigh, telling will have to do.

Judge Parker, 6/16/2008

For days, we’ve been speculating, “Terrorist plot or drug bust — which will appear in the newspaper?” The answer? Not this strip, if you keep this up. And hey — the maid gets
the inside seat in the breakfast nook? How does that work?

Mary Worth, 6/16/2008

Here’s another newspaper comic about what appears in a newspaper. But don’t worry — the narration box helpfully explains that the newspaper photo is misleading. Taking Mary’s side, of course.

The Phantom, 6/16/2008

Ignoring the convenient ladder, the Ghost-Who-Showboats speculates about how awesome his awesome feat will look when it appears in print. As though anybody’s going to look past the first panel.

Spider-Man, 6/16/2008

Spidey’s narration box is as baffled as we are. And perhaps as bored.

Mark Trail, 6/16/2008

The second panel’s giant tortoise is rendered mute. Cramming his gullet with peyote — or is it deadly nightshade? — he prays only that his release, or the end, will be quick.

— Uncle Lumpy