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Today’s comics contained something that we all should have expected, but that was nevertheless shocking and, to some, horrifying. Certainly everyone who loves newspaper comics strip is buzzing about it. I’m talking, of course, about today’s Snuffy Smith.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/13/08

Fellas! Of course, we all long to see our inamoratas in the super-classy see-through nighties of the kind found in mail-order catalogs and the Fredrick’s of Hollywood store. They’re hot because you can see your partner’s boobies but she’s still wearing clothes! But isn’t there something that isn’t quite perfect about those garments? Of course there is! They’ve been stitched together from some kind of non-edible artificial fiber, when they could be made out of delicious meat!

Seriously, this is one of the vilest things I’ve ever seen or read.

For Better Or For Worse, 3/13/08

Oh, also, Liz and Anthony are going to get married or whatever. You might think that this foobrosal (in the lovely formulation of faithful reader Gabe) is a bit lackluster; indeed the first three panels seem to merely depict two numb characters recognizing that the machinations of their universe are pushing them inexorably together, and that no free will they exercise could possibly change their preordained fate. But in panel four, said Foobiverse suddenly remembers that Liz is supposed to be happy about this, and you see her eyes glowing with some kind of creepy, supernatural illumination. Then she desperately tries to get Anthony to nuzzle her breasts. It won’t be the first time she fails.

Mary Worth, 3/13/08

Mary Worth’s flashback is finally underway, and we learn that Mary is totally OK with throwing around terms like “broken home” in 2008. We also learn that she was a hungry, hungry little urchin with a terrible haircut. Will this sequence end with young Mary in a back alley somewhere, desperately chewing on the bones of a stray dog that she killed with her bare hands? We can only hope!

Mark Trail, 3/13/08

Speaking of eating dogs, Mark Trail has apparently travelled to the big bad city with an agenda of handing out free puppies to eight-year-olds. I’m guessing that the sort of little kid who would write a passionate entry about pet ownership for a contest is exactly the sort of little kid whose parents won’t let have a dog. I sure can’t see anything going wrong this this plan! Also, since the magazine Mark writes for is named Woods and Wildlife and not Domesticated Animals, I’m hoping the “puppy” will actually be a wolf cub, or maybe a coyote pup.

Luann, 3/13/08

Ha ha! It turns out that when Brad heard his captain say he was bringing Toni to the ball, he meant that he was bringing Tony to the ball! Oh, the Three’s Company-style misunderstanding-derived hilarity!

This could be some sort of vaguely daring attempt to make a totally colorless supporting character in this comic gay; on the other hand, since he’s using the vague term “friend” and the battalion captain is bringing his sister, I suppose Tony really could be just his friend because, hey, they’re modern, sensitive new-age guys, and Tony always wanted to see what a real firefighter’s ball was like (and who wouldn’t)? Or, since Brad couldn’t tell “i” from “y” in speech, Tony Gale could really be Toni Gale anyway. I could get further into this, but I just realized that no matter how much I think about it, it isn’t going to get any more interesting, so I’ll stop.

Family Circus, 3/13/08

For those of you not up on the Shakespearean family drama beneath the surface of the Family Circus (and really, why would you be), Billy is actually based on strip creator Bil Keane’s son Glen, who is in fact an animator at Disney today; Jeffy is based on Jeff Keane, who has taken over the Family Circus from his dad. You could see this is some sort of dig at Glen for being a moron, but really a better way to go about that would have been something like, “Someday when I’m an animator at Disney, I’m going to help make a movie that will lose more than $100 million!”

UPDATE: Going over comments from the last thread, I see that the Spectacular Spider-Brick beat me to the “Foobocalypse now” joke … so a hat tip to the SSB as well!

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Hey, everybody! I’m back from sunny Tucson (where I met up with Bob Weber, Jr. and a DELIGHTFUL group of readers — pics coming in a bit). I must give props to Uncle Lumpy for his fine filling in, and a huge thanks to everyone who gave money during the pledge drive — you’ll all be receiving individual thank-yous over the next day or two. After catching up on the most crucial storylines (Mary Worth flashback? OH MY GOD I THINK I JUST WET MYSELF) I confronted today’s comics and found nothing but sleaze and personal degradation.

For Better For Worse, 3/10/08

There’s an entire Women’s Studies thesis waiting to be written about the Foobs today. Elizabeth’s abject terror and panic that Anthony will think she’s a two-timing ne’er-do-well would be hilarious if it weren’t so pathetic and queasy-making. The fact that Anthony isn’t being a total douche for once (“Gosh, sorry you’re terrified about being caught alone with a man after sundown … I didn’t realize that this phone could call the 19th century”) just makes it ickier. Presumably Liz will agree to Anthony’s inevitable proposal to “make it up for him,” setting a firm foundation for a future life of quiet desperation and self-loathing.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/10/08

Niki, of course, isn’t a literal whore; no, he’s an ethics whore! You have to admit that there’s something pretty skewed about the moral hoops the strip made him jump through to get his sweet payoff, which, if you haven’t been following, went something like this:

BANK ROBBER: Hey, kid, even though you’re cute and ludicrously clean-cut, I can tell you’re from the streets, like me. Here, take some stolen cash!
NIKI: No way, Mister! Rex Morgan is keeping me on the straight and narrow! [Surreptitiously takes cash anyway. Later…]
NIKI: Rex, I … took some of that stolen cash! I know it was wrong!
REX: It sure was, Niki! Lucky for us, we’re about the freeze to death and can burn it for heat!
SHERIFF: Son, you sure did a great thing by helping catch that bank robber! Here’s some reward money!
NIKI: Sorry, sheriff, I’m wracked with guilt over the stolen cash I stole and then burned! I can’t accept the reward!
ANONYMOUS DONOR: Son, you sure did a great thing by turning down that reward money! Here’s some reward money! Plus a college fund, which is more virtuous than cash, since you’ll just spend the cash on hoodies and hair care products!
NIKI: Wait, Rex, even though it was wrong for me to accept the reward money, is it right for me to accept this meta-reward money?
REX: Who the hell knows? I’ve been drunk for hours!

Panel from Mark Trail, 3/8/08

Yes, Cherry, we know how you like to keep Mark at home! And we’re sure he won’t be going anywhere for … you know, a while …

Mark Trail, 3/10/08

Ha ha, Cherry! Now that Mark has finished up his thrice-annual marital intimacy with you (on a rock, as is his wont), he’s going to head out to “present an award for the magazine,” if you know what I mean! No, wait, this is Mark Trail we’re talking about, I’m sure that just means he’s actually going to present an award for the magazine — presumably getting a plaque from a raven-haired, all-tan-clad outdoorsman is the equivalent to getting a Pulitzer in nature journalism. Anyway, Cherry, you look to be getting along fine with Andy in panel two; you don’t need Mark at all!

Marmaduke, 3/10/08

And speaking of getting along fine with our four-legged friends … wait, you know what? I don’t think I can handle this on my first day back. I think it might be the kind of thing you have to build up to.

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Mary Worth, 3/6/08

Self-Satisfaction Week continues at the Charterstone Compound. “Wrong advice? Ha ha my dear, I’ll have you know I’m well-intentioned! And as someone once told me, “The road to . . . er . . . a happy outcome is paved with good intentions!”

Mark Trail, 3/6/08

Poor Johnny Malotte has had to endure a lot of exposition this week — yesterday from Mark; today from Sergeant Mountie McQueen. Fortunately none of it reaches him, aloft on his jimson-weed pinnacle of bliss: “Eez zat zo? Come, mon ami, ‘ave a word eenstaid weeth M’seiur Marc — I must return, return now to Eextlan! Oooh, look down zair — eet ees ma fran’ M’sieur ‘Awk! ‘Allo, M’sieur ‘Awk!”

For Better or For Worse, 3/6/08

OK, anybody would have to be blind not to see how this will work out. Nicely played, Warren, but wasted on Anthony — what’s left to crush?

– Uncle Lumpy