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Herb and Jamaal, 5/7/07

I had pretty much written off the constant ambient friction between Herb and his mother-in-law as a true-to-life but still lame-as-narrative depiction of intergenerational extended family dynamics … that is, until today, when we get to see her relaxing over a smoldering cup of something or other and smiling blissfully as she reflects on the deaths of everyone else in her demographic cohort. I’m assuming that she probably killed all of them off one by one in single combat, a là the Highlander saga. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

I’m curious about the implement in her hand in panel two. If that’s supposed to be a toothbrush, I sure hope she can unhinge her jaw.

Sally Forth, 5/7/07

Cinematic foreshadowing alert: At the big banquet that will follow another inevitable losing season for Team Forth, Ted is going to beat his coaching nemesis to death with that bat.

Slylock Fox, 5/7/07

A lot of people hate on the obscure clues in Slylock Fox, but you know what? Not all mysteries are there to make you feel good and clever when you solve them. Sometimes they should challenge your brain, or even introduce you to new knowledge that you can take with you. Kids gotta learn the difference between oil-based paint and water-based paint sometime; why not in this harmless context, rather than during the brutal entrance exams for that elite private preschool you’ve got your eye on?

I’m more concerned about this strip’s relentless class-based hatred. Sure, Shady is nothing but Poor Shrew Trash, as you can tell by his broken window, prominently displayed sock, discarded chicken leg and fish skeleton, and various dark-nook-inhabiting beasties. But hey, he’s trying to get his house as nice looking as his neighbors with his latex paint, all right? The fact that the “good” neighbor is an elephant just makes the strip’s heavy-handed pro-Republican agenda more obvious.

By the way, don’t frogs breathe through their skin? Our aggrieved critter is going to be comically indignant for another minute or so, and then drop dead.

Mark Trail, 5/7/07

Sam Sam Sam Samantha Sam Sam Sam SAMANTHA Sam Sam Sam Sam Samantha Sam Sam Sam Samantha Hill Sam sam (Sam sam SAM HILL Sam) SAM Samantha Sam, Sam, Sam Hill, Sam largest breasts and bust-to-waist ratio ever to appear in Mark Trail Sam Sam Sam SAM.

Speaking of large breast-to-waist ratios: Pibgorn returns May 14th, and will be appearing at gocomics.com (aka the Universal Press Syndicate’s Web site). More information can be found on the Internet — specifically, the Brooke McEldowney’s blog part of the Internet.

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Apartment 3-G, 5/5/07

Oh, poor Lu Ann. We all knew you were boring, but did they really have to rub your face in it with this pathetic display as your boring, boring life flashed before your eyes? For the record, here are the last faces Lu Ann will see before she casts off this mortal coil and is swept up into Albert Pinkham Ryder’s celestial art sweatshop:

• Margo, who has repeatedly failed to check up on Lu Ann when prompted due to laziness and/or self-absorption.
• Tommie, who has repeatedly failed to check up on Lu Ann when prompted due to crippling self-loathing-induced agoraphobia and/or bad cell phone reception.
• Professor Papagoras, who has repeatedly failed to check up on Lu Ann when prompted due to the fact all his time is now taken up screwing a 22-year-old.
• Lu Ann’s cousin Blaze, who hasn’t been sidetracked from checking up on Lu Ann because it never occurred to him to do so in the first place, and who also wears a stupid cowboy hat at all times.
• Lu Ann’s ex-boyfriend Alan, who had a cruel, immature freakout when he learned that Lu Ann had been engaged before he had met her, and who then gave her the keys to the evil haunted studio, and who has repeatedly failed to check up on Lu Ann when prompted due to peripatetic self-hatred. Lu Ann will miss him most of all, echoing Dorothy’s parting words to the brainless Scarecrow.

Figures not pictured in Lu Ann’s death fugue include:

• Her parents.
• Any other family members, including supposedly beloved cousin or niece or whatever Mim.
• Her beloved now deceased husband, Mr. Powers, a fighter pilot shot down over Vietnam years ago.
• Her former fiancé, what’s-his-name the billionaire janitor who went on to marry Margo’s rich client.
• FBI Pete, the boyfriend she stole from Margo, the one with the dyslexic daughter she loved so much.

In fact, Lu Ann’s dying moments have proven a remarkable ability to elide out her former relationships. I guess it will make things simpler when they all aren’t waiting for her in Dumb Girl Heaven.

Momma, 5/5/07

Good lord, but the youth of today irritate me with their twee, retro sensibilities. As if obsessing over vinyl records weren’t bad enough, now they’re all going in for antique cell phones from the mid-1980s, each one the size of a brick and sporting an eight-inch antenna. Damn kids!

Also, note to everybody: STOP THRUSTING YOUR PELVIS AT MARK TRAIL. HE DOES NOT ENJOY SEXUAL RELATIONS. HE WILL NOT RESPOND TO YOUR ADVANCES.

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Beetle Bailey, 5/3/07

Sarge’s attempts to avoid attachments with women while remaining ambiguous about his own preferences are becoming increasingly heart-rending. Even his faithful dog is trying to get him paired off into safe, Army regulation-approved heteronormality.

Archie, 5/3/07

You’re close, Archie-Laugh-Generating-Joke-Unit 3000, but the punchline is only funny if Archie is actually doing something positive for Mr. Lodge, albeit accidentally. Otherwise it’s just a baffling nonsequitur, or an implication that Archie is a Christ-like figure with mystical healing powers, neither of which are ideal.

Family Circus, 5/3/07

Oh, they start them young with the arbitrary gender markers in the Keane household, yes sir.

Blondie, 5/3/07

Speaking of gender arbitrariness, I’m sure Blondie is just thrilled that Dagwood’s chronic narcolepsy suddenly means that she has to cook breakfast for three. I imagine she’s just getting that pan nice and searing hot before she starts braining people with it.

For Better Or For Worse, 5/3/07

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Wait, that’s not really fair. It’s hard to work yourself up to ask someone out, and … no, hold on, I was right the first time. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Also, Mark Trail has consisted of a lot of nattering about birds and airports and crap like that for the last few days, but I thought you’d be interested in a certain similarity of body language between today’s final panel and a strip from last week:

Damn, everybody wants a piece of this handsome outdoorsman!