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Judge Parker, 1/24/24

Oh, yeah, so it turns out that the long lost Parker sister is in fact a scam artist — not, to be clear, that she’s only pretending to be the long lost Parker sister, but rather that after leaving the comforts of the Parker home, she became a master of scamming, if Detective Yelich’s instant judgement of a picture of a fake ID that Alan quickly grabbed out of Ann’s purse while she was in the bathroom is to be believed. Anyway, today’s second panel is very funny, to me, as we can imagine the emotional rollercoaster this 1950s snob salesman caricature will endure when the credit card charges for this expensive (?) dress are inevitably reversed.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/24/24

Oh, yeah, so it turns out Rene survived his terrible car accident thanks to Rex’s quick intervention but he’ll be in traction for months. Tragically, it also seems that he’s now permanently stuck in mid-sarcastic eye roll, just like his mother always warned him.

Mark Trail, 1/24/24

Oh, yeah, so it turns out Mark organized a big fishing retreat to help men bond and get in touch with their feelings and each other. But he still didn’t bring Rusty, ha ha! Anyway, you know who really isn’t going to enjoy this is the fish, who will be killed and eaten.

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Dick Tracy, 12/20/23

So Dick and X. Libris’s sword fight ended with X. tumbling to her death from a spiral staircase, which was in a library full of her beloved books, so I guess we’ll count this is as an ironic comeuppance? It’s marginal but I’m feeling generous about it. What I’m not feeling generous about is that the strip is spending this whole week making sure we understand the emotional repercussions of her life of crime, which, BORING. This is a strip where people used to get eaten alive by rats, we don’t care about, like, ruined businesses or whatever else this Hayes Code-ass epilogue wants us to think about. Those cops don’t really care either. Look at those numb facial expressions. “Yeah, it’s called a ‘warrant,’ I guess? I’d never heard of one either. Anyway, your business is ruined.”

Mark Trail, 12/20/23

Haven’t kept you up on what’s happening in Mark Trail for a while, and what’s happening is this guy’s trying to get rid of a bat infestation and is spurning Cherry’s offer of PPE so he’s gonna die of rabies. Rabies! He’ll be foaming at the mouth and screaming and Cherry is going to have put him down as an act of mercy with a shotgun blast to the head. It’ll be as exciting as any boat explosion, and twice as messy.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/20/23

IS RENE STILL IN THE HOTEL??? HE MIGHT BE!!! STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER RENE-HOTEL NEXUS DEVELOPMENTS!!!!!!!

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Mark Trail, 8/16/23

Look, I’m the first to admit that I’m an old person now, and if I accidentally clicked onto anyone doing a video livestream on any social media site or app, I would immediately and frantically try to turn said livestream off, and, if I couldn’t achieve that within approximately five seconds, would throw whatever device I was using into the sea. So the idea that a 500-follower account could reach more people by doing a live feed seems off to me, but since this is nu-look Mark Trail, it’s possible that Mark has a better grasp on social media than I do, which, I don’t think I have to say, is a very uncomfortable position to be in. Anyway, Marks père et fils are on the run for various crimes, including violence against law enforcement (and not for the first time!) so it’s possible this live stream will end in Mark’s arrest or summary execution, and I guess that could drive up viewership.

Blondie, 8/16/23

Sorry, I can’t spend any energy on the ostensible punchline here because I’m too fixated on what’s in the mysterious box Dagwood is purchasing that has this pharmacist so unsettled. Is it some advanced ultra-enema system that completely cleanses your GI tract of all sandwich matter so that you can immediately go in for another massive sandwich? Sir, your store is the one carrying it, so maybe you shouldn’t be so judgemental.

Mary Worth, 8/15/23

You notice how ripped Jeff’s arms are these days? Do you remember how just a few years ago he was an old man facing mobility challenges but now he simply can’t wait to follow up dinner with a vigorous walk? I don’t want to say that he’s using his trusted position at the Charterstone hospital to steal enyouthening child blood, but it would explain a lot.

Judge Parker, 8/15/23

OH MY GOD, IT’S … actually, I have no idea who that is. Is it April’s … mom? April had a mom, who was some kind of undefined but menacing spy lady, right? And Sam being friends with her son-in-law is a “close connection,” sort of? OK, it’s April’s mom, until further notice.