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“Hello kids, and welcome back to World of Animals—I’m your beloved host, Carl. My goodness, it has been such a long time; let’s dig right in to those fascinating Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

Speed Bump, 8/6/23

“Say, do you ever feel taken for granted? Well, then, you just might be a turtle!“

Mark Trail (panel), 8/13/23

“See what I mean? Ahem! Did you know that the Ohio River also supports snapping, spotted, painted, northern and Ouachita map, river cooter, pond slider, smooth and spiny softshell, eastern musk, Blanding’s, and box turtles? And that it wouldn’t kill you to mention a few of them?”

Shoe, 8/13/23

“Did you know that birds have vasa deferentia? It’s true!” “It’s still a bad idea to get your avian reproductive facts from Shoe, though; just sayin’.”

Arctic Circle, 8/13/23

“Did you know that squid eat mackerel? It’s true!” “Did you also know that penguins don’t eat mackerel but do eat squid? It’s true—these guys are just waiting.”

Mary Worth (panels), 8/13/23

“If Mary Worth has taught me anything, it’s that dogs are good, but fish are delicious!” “Hey you guys, how about a to-go box for your old pal Carl?”

That’s all for today—time to get outside and explore the wonderful World of Animals!

— Turtle Carl

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It’s the last day of the 2023 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser! Hurry!

Mark Trail, 8/11/23

OK, so we’re retconning Mark and his Dad Happy into the February Norfolk Southern derailment in East Palestine Ohio, taking substantial liberties with the facts as we go. Mark provoked Ohio Senator Smalls (not N&S CEO Alan H. Shaw) with a couple inflammatory “isn’t it true” type questions, even implying that the derailment was intentional. Smalls escalated by accusing Mark of inciting a riot and ordered the cops to arrest him. Mark and Happy beat up a couple of the cops and are now on the lam courtesy of Rex Scorpius, his model/race driver/activist/Mom Sally, and (his? their?) sweet 1976–1981 vintage Pontiac Firebird. A little bridge-jumping, a few campfire stories, a week of Varroa mite bee colony collapse exposition, and here we are.

So assault and battery with an enhancement for assaulting a police officer for Mark and Happy, accessory after the fact for Rex and Sally, assorted traffic violations for Rex, then back to the mites. Sure hope they don’t impound the Firebird. The cops, I mean, not the mites. They’re bad, but they’re not that bad!

9 Chickweed Lane, 8/11/23

I was educated in Catholic schools before heading off to Georgetown. So I’m familiar with the mystique surrounding nuns that 9 Chickweed Lane exploited so successfully before beginning its long decline. Distant, enigmatic, and with authority drawn from God Himself, YOU DO NOT MESS WITH THE NUNS and we children all knew it.

Alas, Sister Gwen here has messed with Top Nun Sister Steven, nicknamed “Sister Caligula” by young Amos and Edda. We see Gwen “confessing” her “sin” by griping that the old bat made her feel bad. The priest “absolves” her by minimizing her offence and complaining that the old bat made him feel bad, too. Apparently nobody has any idea how this sacrament works, and they’ll all wind up in Hell, by mistake.

Gil Thorp, 8/11/23

Relationship Week continues with a little impromptu marriage counselling from Girls’ Softball Coach Cami Ochoa. Say, Gil’s getting around a lot these days, isn’t he? Bartender Bethany, mysterious airplane companions, Cami here. And we’re supposed to be worried about Mimi? But I bet Gil’s voice rose two octaves on “…FRIENDS?” watching Ericka “correct” Mimi’s “stance.”

The Wizard of Id, 8/11/23

Even without seeing his face you know that’s Bung.

You haven’t yet contributed to the Comics Curmudgeon? Three Hail Marys. Go your way and sin no more.

—Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 8/5/23

Poor Sam looks so hangdog there trying to mumble his way out of a jam. But Abbey sees the glimmer of a Business Plan, and she’s intrigued: “You … you would have paid us to kill someone? Damn, murder for hire sounds easier than running a B&B out of a horse barn, and with no cooking or messy arson! I bet April could give me some pointers!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/5/23

Hey Buck: If that earworm bothers you, just put the nail back in.

Mark Trail, 8/5/23

“Nothing can distract me—except maybe my phone and these daily smash-cut scene changes! Woooo … squirrel!”

Arctic Circle, 8/5/23

Part of the Comics Curmudgeon mission (Reading the Comics So You Don’t Have To) is keeping track of developments in under-the-radar strips like Arctic Circle here. For years, this strip has been sounding daily pollution and climate-change alarms, with “punchlines” never straying too far from “Ain’t It Awful?”

But that changed suddenly and without warning last week, when we started getting charming but off-message strips about singing in elevators, dogs and Frisbees, “Bears Like Ice Cream,” and such, and I wondered if the strip was having some sort of crisis. So it’s reassuring to see its return to catastrophe-themed humor, even if they had to swap out the existential threat.

Blondie, 8/5/23

I don’t know what the Blondie creative team is going for with the label on that suave lothario’s sweet turquoise crew-neck. “Thirsty’s” is a Hi and Lois brand, and it’s obviously a bar, not a sandwich joint. If those wild accusations by former franchisees of Dagwood’s Sandwich Shoppes LLC soured you on using that brand, you could at least go with “Hungry’s.”

Hi there! I’m sitting in through Monday the 14th while Josh takes a well-deserved break at scenic Undisclosed Location. Let me know at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have any issues with the site, your subscription, or email delivery and I’ll do what I can to help.

—Uncle Lumpy