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Mary Worth, 10/17/18

Oh my god, it’s even better than I could’ve hoped: Mary is going to force emotional progress on Mr. Wynter by driving him to the pet shelter and browbeating him into adopting a pet while he begs her to stop! This is of course a terrible way to deal with a man’s sadness over a lost dog, simultaneously rushing the grieving process and belittling the specific bond he felt with his unique beloved pup. Honestly, though, my take is: why stop here? Why not just take things to their logical conclusion? Remember Saul’s devastation over the the loss of the love of his life? Why doesn’t Mary just drag him down to some adult education class that skews female — quilting? — and say “Maybe we can also cheer up a lonely widow or divorceé and make their day!” Saul will cling desperately to the side of the car, but with her persistence and surprising upper body strength, Mary will ensure that Saul loves again, whether he wants to or not.

Mark Trail, 10/17/18

A lot of people have been begging in the comments for me to check in on the Mark Trail storyline, which they’ve claimed is “exciting,” which, are you kidding me, it’s consisted entirely of Rusty and Mara having a weird, awkward conversation with “Backpack Guy” about which parts of this small Mexican town aren’t safe for two American tourist kids, one of whom is an obvious moron. However, I do of course need to present today’s strip to you, since it features the triumphant return of Extremely Cool Motorcycle Dude, who definitely seems to be from a different faction from Backpack Guy. Which of these two artifact-stealing-adjacent groups has Rusty and Mara’s best interests at heart? Is it neither of them? Can it please be neither of them? That’d be great.

Dick Tracy, 10/17/18

This Dick Tracy storyline has been remarkably short and low on character motivation — just a couple weeks after we’ve been introduced to Pauly and suddenly he’s a guy who’s always wanted to kill Dick Tracy, blah blah blah, now he and Dick are firing pistols at each other at close range and making no attempt to dive for cover or anything, etc., etc. Mostly I want to point out that Pauly looks like you put Dick and Sam together in the transporter pod from The Fly and turned the Color Palette knob all the way to “brown.”

Family Circus, 10/17/18

Today’s Family Circus features the Keane Kids staring at their parents’ increasingly passionate embrace, commenting upon, but not quite comprehending, the difference between the erotic bonds between the two adults and the filial bonds between parents and children. It’s the best panel they’ve presented us with in years!

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Spider-Man, 10/5/18

Though I’m usually defiantly proud of my general ignorance of superhero funnybooks, one thing I do know, having watched season one of Daredevil, is that Kingpin is a real estate-themed criminal, so I appreciate his “evicted” wordplay here. I want more real estate catchphrases out of him! You know, “This plan is trickier than assembling financing for a major construction project in Midtown Manhattan while trying to get your permits in order in time to begin construction,” that sort of thing. As a punchline for this bit, I was going to say “the actual plan he’s talking about is assembling financing for a major construction project in Midtown Manhattan while trying to get your permits in order in time to begin construction, but for evil,” but that honestly seemed redundant.

Mark Trail, 10/5/18

“Wait, isn’t that those two meddling kids who’ve been following me around? Oh, never mind, they’re reading. It can’t possibly be them. The kids I’m thinking of are definitely too dumb to know how to read.”

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Mark Trail, 9/26/18

OK, wait, what? Are these guys not in league with artifact-napping Becky? Are they actually a rival gang, working at cross-purposes with her? Or are they part of Mexican law enforcement, investigating in plain clothes to try to break up an artifact smuggling ring? When Rusty and Mara confront Jo(s)e and his associates, they’ll say “Kids, you’ve got it all wrong! We’re federales! You know, the Policía Federal, the institutional successor to the former mounted police!” And then Rusty and Mara will say, “If you’re the police, where are your badges?” And they’ll say, “Badges? We ain’t got no badges! We’re working deep undercover and can’t afford exposure. Showing you any stinkin’ badges would risk all of our lives!”

Mary Worth, 9/26/18

Oh, man, Mr. Wynter is an old grouch because he was forced to marry a woman he didn’t love! I certainly hope that we get smash cut from Bella’s lovingly tended grave in the pet cemetery to the overgrown potter’s field into which his hatèd wife was tossed without ceremony when Mr. Wynter was finally, blessedly, free of her.

Dick Tracy, 9/26/18

I’m reasonably sure that’s been well established that Honeymoon and Crystal are social outcasts at school, what with them both being mutant freaks and all. Still, I have to give props to this drug gang for trying to map out the social networks of the schools where they’re trying to sell their wares in order to maximize brand awareness rather than just having someone stand outside and say “Hey, kid, wanna get high?” to everyone indiscriminately like some half-assed dealers we could mention. It’s like the time the illicit tattoo parlor in Gil Thorp tried to woo twentysomethings by getting high school-aged customers: wildly misguided, but at least you’re putting in some effort to come up with something clever.

Hi and Lois 9/26/18

Hey, kids, it’s 2018! Why not try to get your fairly specific fetish into an extremely square syndicated newspaper comic strip? Nothing matters anymore!