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Blondie, 9/25/22

This is another great example how the top row of “throwaway” panels can actually really alter the meaning of a strip. Without them, it’s the simple story of a plumber (with a gambling problem?) who comes over the Bumstead house only to be distracted by a big platter of cold cuts (that has just been left out on the kitchen counter?). With them, we see Blondie’s warning to not let the man “get away,” so it becomes the story of a plumber (with a gambling problem?) whom the Bumsteads plan to capture and do something unspeakable to, and they’ve left out a big platter of cold cuts out on the kitchen counter, as bait.

Crankshaft, 9/25/22

It’s fun to remember that Mason Jarre, when first introduced into the Funkyverse, was a dumb Hollywood himbo who signed on to play Les in the original, “bad” (i.e., potentially enjoyable to watch) movie version of Lisa’s Story, but now that he’s become part of our beloved gang, his an insufferable snob about physical film and classic movies or whatever. I suppose it’s possible that we’re meant to understand that he’s matured as a person over the years, but it’s more likely that the Funkyverse simply cannot accommodate a sympathetic character who isn’t obsessed with classic film stuff. Still, the interpretation I’d really prefer is that in fact he’s supposed to be as big a dipshit as ever; it’s just that this is what he’s a dipshit about now.

Mark Trail, 9/25/22

God damn it, Mark Trail, this strip very much begins with a promise of horny toads learning to work together as a team, and by rights ought to end with Monsanto’s hired security goons being forced back into corporate HQ by geysers of eye-blood from a whole horny toad army, and I am very disappointed that it does not.

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Mark Trail, 9/8/22

New Mark Trail introduces new characters and subplots at such a pace it’s easy for readers to get lost. The entire “Jimmy Songbird geese stopover” seems to have been engineered solely to slip the ridiculous word “keytar” into the strip as often as possible. Collegial hint to fellow author: “Keytar! Keytar! Keytar!” You’re welcome.

Still, it’s a little unsettling when the characters themselves lose their places and start going off at cross-purposes. So here’s a helpful guide:

Get on track, you guys! Don’t make me come back there!

Judge Parker, 9/8/22

I hurt my brain trying to figure out what Abbey is mad about here: “Sam, I threw you out of the house because you didn’t tell me about (then-) Deputy Mayor Stewart’s false accusations and fabricated evidence that I committed arson.” [OK: poor communications on Sam’s part and condescension that Abbey couldn’t handle the news, but this is a marriage-breaker? Nobody who has ever been married would think so.] “Now, [I believe that] you have released news of Deputy Mayor Stewart’s perfidy to the press, proving to one and all that I have not committed arson; therefore I am angry at you because ….” [AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!]

All of the drama in Judge Parker—every last bit— is now Who Said What to Whom and How Dare They. It’s like watching two fourteen-year-old girls slash each other up in text messages. Panel-two Abbey really embraces the role. Though in fairness, Sam is a skank, Marie never did like him anyway, and how dare he call Abbey “unhinged”!

Crankshaft, 9/8/22

One thing a cartoonist—or a second-string comics curmudgeon—learns early is this: if you’re on deadline and can’t deliver an actual joke, string together a series of evocative phrases even if on closer inspection they make no actual sense: maybe nobody will notice! See yesterday’s Luann post for a recent example. Pretty lame stuff!

So Mason, if people already don’t know who you are, why do you need to buy a failed theater to enjoy the experience? Unless “talking to Ed Crankshaft” is your idea of “fun in the dark,” in which case Cindy would like a word.

Phew—made deadline again! I’m on a roll!

–Uncle Lumpy

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“Hello kids, and welcome back to World of Animals — I’m your beloved host, Carl. Well, it seems like it’s been forever, so let’s all catch up — on fascinating Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

Family Circus, 9/4/22

“I guess they call them ‘charismatic megafauna’ because they hog all the damn attention! Even out of the mind of babes it’s pretty much mammal, mammal, mammal, except for that ridiculous bug. Barfy there seems as peeved as I am about this: Reptiles are creatures, too!“

Mark Trail, 9/4/22

“‘Armored body,’ indeed—it looks like somebody is trying to grab a little of that turtle élan. And everybody knows leprosy is just the poor mammal’s salmonella. How would you like it if we reptiles put on hair and pretended to be like you?”

“Not much, I bet!”

Phantom, 9/4/22 (panel)

“Now, I’m not saying mammals don’t have their uses—like, say, if you’re a dead guy trying to guard the tomb of a different dead guy.”

Slylock Fox, 9/4/22 (panel)

“But if you want a real pal—to light your way in the darkness, sound the alarm, or take care of the kids—you can’t go wrong with Class Reptilia. It’s true!

Thank you for your kind attention.

— Turtle Carl