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Marvin, 2/28/09

If you had told me, way back in July of 2004 when I was starting this blog, that there would come a time when I would feel obligated to parse drawings of toddlers running around completely pantsless, I would have have immediately shut down my crude Blogger.com account and turned to a more worthwhile and ennobling pursuit, like philately or house-flipping. And if you had told me yesterday that there could be something more terrifying than seeing Marvin’s genitals, I would have laughed at you, and yet here is the proof: more terrifying than seeing Marvin’s genitals is not seeing Marvin’s genitals where his genitals are supposed to be, and glimpsing only some kind of unbroken, Ken doll-like smoothness instead. Now let us never speak of this again.

Mark Trail, 2/28/09

Oh, everyone who feared that Ken would not receive his narrative comeuppance for slapping around his wife and then trying to kill her beloved pet: Ken is very much about to receive his narrative comeuppance. A frightened, dangerous Bucky is about to literally run headlong into the economically ravaged abuser, with his antlers conveniently sawed to razor sharpness by Mark. I’ve long felt that what this strip really needs to compete in today’s entertainment market is more humans being killed or mutilated by the animals they’ve wronged, so I’m really looking forward to next week.

Dick Tracy, 2/28/09

Speaking of people being killed or mutilated, Dick Tracy once again proves that all’s well that end’s well horribly. Tess’s face in the second panel offers particular insight into what her marriage must be like. “Oh, God, he’s going to make a pun about Angelorious’s agonizing death, isn’t he? Wait for it … yep, there it is.”

Marmaduke, 2/28/09

“As well he should, since the Dread Lords of the Outer Darkness have appointed him Demon-King to rule over Earth. Oh … oh God DON’T LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM!”

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Apartment 3-G, 2/19/09

No Apartment 3-G girl can find happiness in love, so obviously the next box Margo receives will contain Eric’s neatly packaged non-transplantable organs, courtesy of the Chinese government, but for the moment let’s just appreciate this gesture, in which he lets her know that her many, many previous sexual partners don’t bother him. If we’re really lucky Margo will let Tommie play dress-up with it, to mock her, because it’s the closest she’ll ever come to getting married, or having anyone love her.

Baldo, 2/19/08

Notice that the customer is blushing in the final panel. The only legitimate response to a sub-pun this awful is to be terribly embarrassed for the perpetrator.

Crankshaft, 2/19/09

Oh, that Crankshaft, always combining corny, unoriginal jokes with death! Our flight attendant looks wholly uninterested in saving her own or anybody else’s life in the case of emergency, and will probably cap off her little safety talk by hanging herself with the demonstration seatbelt.

Family Circus, 2/19/09

“No, Jeffy! You know full well what the judge said.”

Marmaduke, 2/19/09

“Why are you so restrained, for once?” Phil thinks. “Go on, eat him!”

Hagar the Horrible, 2/19/09

HAW HAW HAW THE FEMINISM

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Marmaduke, 2/17/09

As regular readers of this blog know well, the overarching theme of Marmaduke is “Marmaduke is a terrifying predator who eats human flesh.” And yet, occasionally, we are given a glimpse of another narrative arc, namely “Marmaduke interacts with monstrous alien creatures.” Could it be that the devil-dog feels a certain sentimental instinct to keep those humans with whom he lives safe from extra-terrestrial assault? Or is he merely protecting his food supply from potential competitors?

Mary Worth, 2/17/09

So imagine that you’re bringing your new boyfriend out to dinner to meet your father for the first time. Which of the following scenarios would make the evening feel more like hell on earth?

• Your father rambles on passive-aggressively about how his awful girlfriend, who is sitting right there smirking, tore him away from the one thing that really mattered to him and broke his heart.
• Your father hits your new boyfriend up for a contribution to his pet charity.

Well, if you’re Adrian Corey, it looks like you won’t have to choose!

Apartment 3-G, 2/17/09

Appropriate response to Margo’s question: “Gee, I dunno; I think there are some Hot Pockets left in the freezer and there’s a Chinese delivery menu on the fridge. Gary and I are going to go to my bedroom and screw like bunnies now, so feel free to turn up the music if that’s going to bother you.”

Actual response to Margo’s question: “THAT WAS GARY WHO SIGHED AUDIBLY! NOT ME! GARY! oh my god oh my god don’t hurt me don’t hurt me…”