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This adventure has taught me that adventures are TERRIBLE

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Mark Trail, 5/30/13

Well, all’s well that ended well for Mark and Cherry and Wes and Shelly! Someday Wes will be able to put weight on his inexpertly set ankle again, Cherry only got lightly mauled by a bear, and probably no more than a few hundred acres of protected forest went up in flames when the gang’s propane tank blew up. It was all worth it, though, if the end result was the final panel: Shelly weeping tears of glorious relief at being within range of a delicious, life-affirming cell phone connection one more.

Marvin, 5/30/13

Marvin’s dad, meanwhile, has encountered kindness in the form of an invitation from a co-worker whose existence is not defined by catering to a squalling, pooping hell-infant. He appears to have gone into shock as a result. Presumably the tears of relief will come later.

Heathcliff, 5/30/13

At first, I thought that the government of Heathcliff’s town had broken the sanitation workers’ union and replaced them all with non-human primates, but then I realized that this ape is apparently … delivering garbage cans? As described by talking owls? Anyway, this has been your daily installment in the Chronicles Of Heathcliff’s Descent Into Total Madness.

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Maternal Sunday

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Mary Worth, 5/26/13

Oh, did you think that Elinor was going to react to her daughter’s betrayal with verbal abuse or physical violence? No, that’s not her style, you see. She’s more into faking various medical ailments. This will be her toughest challenge yet! Malinger, Elinor! Malinger with all your might!

Marvin, 5/26/13

Ha ha, Marvin isn’t fooled by his mother’s “love” or whatever. As soon as he learns to poop in a toilet, he’s going to narc her out! (Don’t worry, Marvin-mom, that will never happen.)

Crankshaft, 5/26/13

Pam would much rather just take her chances fleeing into the woods than listen to any more of her husband’s terrible jokes, and nobody can blame her. Run free, Pam. Don’t know where you’re heading. Don’t know what you’ll find when you get there. Maybe you’ll end up sleeping by a creek, eating berries and insects to survive. But the wordplay — the wordplay will stop. It’ll finally be over.

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Marvin’s parents are talking about this like it’s normal, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

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Herb and Jamaal, 5/21/13

I don’t expect naturalistic dialogue from Herb and Jamaal, but wow guys this is some badly-translated-from-the-Slovak weirdness right here. Herb’s facial expressions as he stares at the money and then ever so slowly pulls out his wallet and slips the cash inside it are also pretty creepy. Especially his heavy-lidded zonked-out look in the final panel. Pretty sure he plans on “blocking out the memories of the experience” with powerful opiates, which are what he needs the money for.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/21/13

Speaking of unnatural dialogue, “Another anniversary, Elviney?” is certainly a weird way to offer congratulations to your best friend and her husband! “Another anniversary, Elviney? I thought you swore you’d be widowed or divorced by now?” “I married Lukey fer life! An’ I assumed that our community’s poor medical care and unusually short life expectancy would either kill off my husband or leave me in the sweet embrace of death long ago!”

Marvin, 5/21/13

Normally when someone brings a baby to a movie theater — which, let me just mention, is one of the worst things you can do as a movie goer, what the hell could you possibly be thinking — you can’t blame the baby. You should blame the parents, for being thoughtless morons. But … look at Marvin’s face. That evil smile. He’s looking forward to disrupting the cinema experience for everyone involved. The question is, will he start off by crying, thus driving everyone around him into a rage right away? Or will his opening move be a massive diaper dump, filling theater patrons with disgust and nausea?