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Dustin, 8/9/22

Look, you and I both know that today’s Dustin is entirely the result of the Dustin brain trust getting wind of the kids today sharing passwords for streaming services and thinking “Oh ho ho, I think we’ve got a metaphor for sex on our hands here!” I found this annoying, for the obvious reasons, but also because it seems to ignore some basic foundations of the Dustin world in its rush for the cheap joke: Dustin’s sister Meg is still in high school and living at home, so it really doesn’t make sense that she would need access to someone else’s streaming accounts, assuming her family has their own, and despite Dustin’s dad’s grouchy boomer vibes it seems unlikely that two fiftysomething professionals wouldn’t have Netflix? But it does occur to me that Ed is absolutely the sort of guy who would demand that his children “earn” access to the family plan on screens that aren’t the TV in the living room by doing chores or something. Look at the results of this cruel policy! You’re putting your daughter at moral hazard!

Gil Thorp, 8/9/22

Speaking of sexual ethics, I am very excited to report that Gil’s new arch-rival has gone on Marty Moon’s radio show to challenge Gil in the most intense competitive arena of all: monogamy. I particularly enjoy the way he considers his wedding band to be simply one more championship ring indicating his sporting prowess. Other, lesser competitors might falter on the way to the playdowns and/or engage in emotional or physical intimacy outside the bounds of their relationship, but not this guy. He’s won marriage, just like he’s gonna win the Valley Conference this fall! I’m sure his wife is 100% on board with this and not unsettled by it at all.

Marvin, 8/9/22

Ha ha, it’s funny because Marvin’s grandpa’s friend realizes that he’s gonna die soon and he’s seized by so much regret! Uh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but let’s do some poop jokes, this is making me pretty uncomfortable.

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Hi and Lois, 7/31/22

OK, guys, I’m about to go all Pluggers here, but do you (for values of “you” that are as old as I am or older) remember those ads for Heinz gravy that had a tagline about how it was just like homemade, but with “no lumps”? I never understood that line as a kid, but I guess the point is that was as tasty as homemade but, since it had been produced in a gleaming factory rather than by a person in their kitchen like in olden times, it was free of any imperfections, a fully liquid nutritive slurry that slides down your gullet with ease. Anyway, based on Trixie’s line, I … guess this is kind of the joke here? “Ha ha, it’s just like a classic experience you thought you were going to have, but without an annoying part,” except the innovation here is not the industrial production of processed foods but rather the picnic table? It’s either that or we’re supposed to laugh about how Dot thought they were going to eat a picnic and then Lois felt a need to explain how they’re actually just eating at a table in their own backyard for four panels, which is kind of funny, but not “ha ha” funny.

Marvin, 7/31/22

Say what you will about Marvin, but there’s no question about what the joke is today: the joke is that Marvin is going to eat a truly bizarre and disgusting collection of food, and then, in a few hours, he’s going to expel the waste products from that food into his diaper and it will be both more disgusting than how it went in and more disgusting than his usual poops. That’s the joke! The joke is about his nasty shits. Thanks for “yuck”ing it up with Marvin for the past 40 years! (“Yuck” is a joke there because it’s used as a synonym for laughing but also is a noise you make when you experience visceral disgust; as long as you do one of those things, this strip has succeeded.)

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Blondie, 7/27/22

Man, that is a truly bone-chilling facial expression on Dagwood in the final panel. Not sure if his dream included an extended racing sequence before he had the epiphany that his opponent was edible, or if as soon as this giant 12-foot hot dog, dripping huge gobs of chili and condiments onto the ground, said, in a goofy, friendly voice, “Hey, Dag! Let’s race!” he knew how this would all end. But we too know how it must’ve ended: with him tackling the dream-creature to the ground and tearing off chunks of its flesh with his teeth, listening to it scream in agony and beg for mercy while he relentlessly ~c o n s u m e d~ the monstrosity. “Guess!” he says, as falls back into another dream where he gets to sate his appetite in the most ghastly of ways. Blondie, meanwhile, is going to be awake all night thinking about this.

Marvin, 7/27/22

Guess what, everyone! Marvin, launched on August 1, 1982, meaning that we’re just a few days short of its 40th anniversary! Unfortunately, Jenny and Jeff have finally realized that they are trapped in an eternal present where their child will always be a toddler and never learn to poop in a toilet, and their facial expressions in that second panel indicate that, armed with their new knowledge, they now have the power to simply walk away and never appear in this strip again, which means that we’re not going to quite get to 40. R.I.P. the comic strip Marvin, 1982-2022.