Post Content

Funky Winkerbean, 11/1/22

Huh, well, I guess Funky really is shutting down Montoni’s after all? This of course provides a great opportunity to trace the experiences of these longtime beloved characters as they move into a new phase of their lives do some nostalgia bullshit about the good old days of the strip, which, in a visual medium like the comics, is obviously best delivered by a wall of text and some photos that would be 100% invisible to anyone reading this in a newspaper, if anyone still read newspapers.

Judge Parker, 11/1/22

Gloria’s righteous rage has led her and Sam to the home of the judge at the heart of this mystery, where she won’t stop righteously ringing her doorbell until she gets answers! Of course, you might find her righteousness a little misplaced given that the judge himself just had most of his family brutally murdered, either by crooked cops or meth gangs or maybe his own son, so maybe he doesn’t want to chat about your wounded but still alive husband, Gloria, jeez.

Beetle Bailey, 11/1/22

I was going to do a whole riff here along the lines of “Ha ha, you know your legacy comic strip has been going on for 70+ years when the only new joke you can come up with is ‘What if one of our characters were covered in ticks?’”, but then it occurred to me that this is a strip about golf, the official pastime of legacy comic strip creators, and maybe the risks of tick infestation are everyday “relatable” content to these guys. Good to know that I can add “could end up with Lyme disease” to “boring” and “expensive” on my list of reasons why I don’t play golf.

Mary Worth, 11/1/22

Mary Worth is not just entertaining: it also seeks to impart important life lessons to its readers. This week that lesson is “don’t stand on cliff edges,” which may seem obvious to you but you never know who needs to hear it!

Post Content

Hi and Lois, 10/30/22

I know it’s not considered “woke” to define a woman in terms of her husband, but I think we can all agree that the Bride of Frankenstein is almost entirely known for being married to Frankenstein’s monster. It’s right there in her name! So Hi’s choice to dress up as Bela Lugosi’s Dracula is an interesting one, and seems to tell us a lot about what kind of party they’re going to where kids are very much not welcome. (It’s a swingers party, and the theme is classic Universal horror characters, just so we’re absolutely clear on that.)

Shoe, 10/30/22

Look, I’m on the record as being very concerned about Skyler’s home life, so maybe I’m being oversensitive, but I think if your friend tells you that being (presumably) orphaned and forced to live with a neglectful, aging uncle is “one big horror movie,” I’d express some sincere concern about his safety rather than just cracking wise. On the other hand, it’s pretty clear that the friend is right here and the Perfesser is dead, so Skyler may be destined for a group home situation that may frankly be even worse than what he’s gone through so far.

Mary Worth, 10/30/22

Good (?) news, everyone! Zak isn’t going to fall to his death! Iris (and God, I guess) saved him! And she’s definitely going to marry him now! She’s learned that life is truly unpredictable, and while it seemed unlikely that he would predecease her, inheritance is a lot simpler between spouses and he’s got a lot of money, so why take that chance?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/30/22

Is my pro Mud Mountain Murphy position still going to hold now that I’ve learned that he’s horny? Tentatively yes, but I’ll be keeping a close eye on the situation to see how it develops.

Daddy Daze, 10/30/22

“Anyway, you know why we broke up? It’s so I can just go inside and leave him there and not have to deal with this at all.”

Post Content

Shoe, 10/27/22

I’m trying to figure out what the funniest message the Joint Chiefs of Staff could send to a small-town newspaper on an 8 x 11 sheet of paper in tiny font that would raise this level of shock from the Perfesser. I’m thinking “America’s civilian leadership has failed! The military must take control and begin the process of national regeneration. Do you happen to know the President’s phone number?”

Mary Worth, 10/27/22

With Zak’s life hanging in the balance (literally) and Iris unable or unwilling to hulk out, there’s only one thing left that can save our star- and age-crossed lovers: the power of prayer! Remember, when Wilbur was forced by circumstances into the ultimate indignity (climbing a tree) in order to hold starvation at bay, he beseeched the Almighty for help and was immediately transported to a party island, so I certainly hope God intervenes here as well and Zak falls harmlessly onto a cool trampoline while a bunch of positive-vibes bro onlookers cheer.

Pluggers, 10/27/22

EXTREMELY DEPRESSING PLUGGERS SCENARIO, 2006: I’m so desperate for cash I need to pawn my television, depriving me of some of the few joys I have left, for just a few meager dollars!

EXTREMELY DEPRESSING PLUGGERS SCENARIO, 2022: The computer watch tells me I can sleep now. Sleep. Sleep. You can tell from my facial expression that the only time I feel any pleasure is in that brief moment after I’ve been given permission to slip into blessed unconsciousness but before sleep takes me and I stop feeling anything at all.