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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/2/25

So the big news that Augie delivered over pad thai is that not one but two publishers are interested in his manuscript and are bidding up the price! Is this the sort of thing that will finally get him riled up enough to have sex with his girlfriend? Well, no, apparently not. Sorry, Summer! He’s got papers to grade, and anyway Thai food does a number on his tummy, so you’re dodging a bullet, really.

Mary Worth, 11/2/25

“It sometimes feels like the good is getting better … and the bad is getting worse. But children like Olive give me hope that their psychic powers will turn the tide in the imminent final apocalyptic confrontation between the evil and the righteous.”

“Ha ha, so true! But through it all, one thing is for sure … our love is here to stay. That is for sure, right, Mary? Because you still haven’t changed your relationship status on Facebook.”

Garfield, 11/2/25

THINGS GARFIELD IS NOT AFRAID OF: The shades of the dead, terrifying the living by demonstrating that the veil between this world and the next is much thinner than you might believe

THINGS GARFIELD IS AFRAID OF: Running out of ice cream

THINGS GARFIELD SHOULD BE AFRAID OF: Having his flesh torn from his body and hung from a tree, where his soul remains trapped and in agony within a somehow still living husk

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Pluggers, 10/31/25

Sorry, I don’t think you should be exclaiming “What have you done?” to a guy in a toga unless he just banded together with other patriots to stab his longtime friend and political ally to death to preserve the constitutional order of the Roman Republic. I guess he really should be covered in blood to make this work but I stand by it.

Family Circus, 10/31/25

Why is Big Daddy Keane attempting to hide behind a tree like this? It’s not because his kids are embarrassed to be seen with him, as they’re gleefully pointing him out to this poor woman uninterested in their family psychodrama. If he’s embarrassed to be seen with them then I get it, but he’s doing such a bad job of hiding that I have to say that he’s no prize either.

The Lockhorns, 10/31/25

Leroy and Loretta hate each other with such intensity that it’s easy to miss that they’re not real big fans of anyone else either. Have you ever aggressively worn a Halloween costume at a specific person? Leroy has, and that’s what makes him great.

Mary Worth, 10/31/25

Oh, you went into solution-search mode, Mary? Because it sounds like the solution was quickly found by Olive, thanks to her telepathic gifts. You didn’t do shit!

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Mary Worth, 10/28/25

Wow, did you know that Dr. Jeff doesn’t even like seafood? Did you know he’s just been choking it down every other week for years, just for a chance to spend an hour or two in Mary’s presence? She knows it, too. “My sole filet is delicious. How are your scallops tonight, Jeff?” she asks, knowing that they make him want to puke, but it doesn’t matter. She’s already filleted his soul. Maybe that’s why he bought his boat: he thought that if she loved fish so much, surely she’d love being on the open water with him even more. And maybe he’ll eventually find the courage to simply head out to sea and never come back.

Dennis the Menace, 10/28/25

You know, everyone seems to be enjoying whatever it is Dennis whipped up in the blender, and sure, Joey’s an idiot, but he’s also a feeble little boy who probably couldn’t handle something really disgusting, and Gina’s always been the most sensible character in the cast. There isn’t even any mess on the counter! None of this is menacing at all! The colorists had to make the smoothie or whatever it is a weird set of hues just to imply some menacing, but it’s not working on me. I don’t buy it!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/28/25

An economic landscape where it’s somehow economically advantageous for a dentist to drum up more business by ruining kids’ teeth, but also advantageous for a doctor to invest in preventative care, seems unspeakably perverse, so I’m going to avoid doing the kind of research that I fear will tell me that it’s exactly the system we operate within today.