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Dustin, 10/30/19

Say, remember when male Baby Boomers were young and their parents made fun of them for growing their hair long and otherwise not conforming to stifling 1950s codes of what a man should be or look like? Well, those Boomers all lost their hair and now it’s their turn to police everyone else’s masculinity. Whether you’re treating the the availability of a little cinnamon and nutmeg in your coffee like a full grade crisis because girls like it or you think that guy with a small dog up the street ought to be feeling a lot more shame than he apparently does, you’re certainly making your father happy, wherever he is, probably hell.

Dennis the Menace, 10/30/19

Speaking of hell, here’s what all the demons down there will look like. The amount of work Mr. Wilson put into this is absolutely terrifying, and that’s assuming he’s gone to the trouble of creating a perfect Dennis wig and isn’t wearing the poor lad’s scalp as a hat.

Mary Worth, 10/30/19

ME, YESTERDAY: Ha ha, I’m going to make a joke, here on my blog where I make fun of comics, about how Wilbur is going to have an emotional meltdown on this double date with his ex! But probably nothing that interesting will happen.

ME, TODAY: oh my god Wilbur is so worked up he’s going to start guzzling scotch straight from the bottle to prepare himself, this is going to be more amazing than I possibly could’ve imagined

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Mary Worth, 10/29/19

Oh boy oh boy oh boy, I am very excited to watch the total emotional meltdown our boy Wilbur is going to experience during his double date with Iris and her handsome young stud and, uh, some other lady who’s temporarily slipping his mind right now, probably she’s not very important. The biggest question that we’re going to need answered: when his brain breaks, what form will it take? Will the massive flood of negative feelings be directed outward, at Iris and Zak, leading to him getting kicked out of the restaurant at best and slapped with a restraining order at worst? Or will it all go inward, at himself, leaving his ex and her perfectly nice boyfriend to spend an evening awkwardly consoling him as he weeps loudly into his appetizer? (Estelle at this point will have excused herself to the bathroom, where she’ll escape out the window and flee to the nearby frontage road so she can summon an Uber.)

Blondie, 10/29/19

I guess the joke here is that the only thing that could make it worth Lou’s while to deal with job-killing government regulations is Dagwood’s insatiable appetite. But my initial interpretation, which I find much funnier, is that Dagwood is just now learning that for whatever reason in his town the health department subjects food trucks to much stricter scrutiny than restaurants, so when a food truck parks in front of his office, he’s excited to finally enjoy a lunch that won’t cause him terrible diarrhea.

Dustin, 10/29/19

“Autumn is here … it’s the season for apprehension and dread.”

“You’re thinking about Halloween?”

“No, I’m thinking about how watching the leaves wither and fall from the trees makes me realize that all life is ephemeral, about how winter is coming and how it feels colder in my bones every year as I age, about how I know that while spring comes around again every year, eventually it won’t come around for me. Uh, I mean, pumpkin spice, am I right? So basic! I’m definitely not haunted by visions of my own demise!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/25/19

Hey, folks, here’s some Hollywood insider information which, uh, I definitely already knew and didn’t Google just now: as much as a “shopping agreement” sounds like a fake Funky Winkerbean phrase like “vendo” or “solo car date” or whatever, it’s actually a real thing! Basically, an option, which is what Mason proposed to do last week, is when you pay someone a relatively modest sum for the exclusive rights to try to produce a movie within a set period of time, with an agreed-upon larger sum to come if the project actually moves into development — so, for instance, you might get paid $10,000 for a one-year option, and if by the end of the year the production company has been able to make the movie happen, you’ll get paid $100,000, but if not, you can keep the $10,000 and could work with someone else if they’re interested. In a “shopping agreement,” you give someone with more Hollywood connections than you exclusive rights to shop a script around for a set period of time, often with little or no money changing hands and no real guarantee of what you’d get paid if anything happens. According to the Law Offices of Gordon P. Firemark, “the shopping agreement provides the rights owner little certainty, while limiting his/her ability to entertain other offers. The Producer might blanket Hollywood with the project, reducing likelihood that there will be opportunities later, if he/she/it is unsuccessful in setting up the project.” So I’m really rooting for this to end in failure, which, according to panel three, aligns my desires with Les’s, which quite honestly I’m pretty uncomfortable with.

Gil Thorp, 10/25/19

Having struck out with his wife and a fellow school board member in his attempt to keep dangerous rage monster Chance Macy off the Mudlarks, Chet has turned to the only force that can help him: the free press. Unfortunately the Milford print media is part of the town’s tightly-knit elite and Marjie immediately narced to Coach Thorp. Why does Chet trust the fake news instead of reaching out to Marty Moon, the only man in town willing to expose the tough truths? Marty is presumably sitting by the phone right now, waiting for a phone call just like this, very, very drunk.

Mary Worth, 10/25/19

Ah, you know what would help you sort out your feelings about a guy you’re dating but not really sure about? If he, without asking you, turns your date plans into double date plans, with his ex who he’s still transparently hung up on and her hot young boyfriend! I think Estelle will have some pretty firm opinions on whether she wants to continue seeing Wilbur after this!

The Phantom, 10/25/19

ME, A GUY WHO’S READ THE PHANTOM FOR MORE THAN 15 YEARS AND LIKES TO ACT LIKE HE HAS SOMETHING OF A HANDLE ON ITS WHOLE GEOPOLITICAL BACKSTORY AND YET HAS NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON HERE: Uh, yes, it, uh, did have to happen eventually! Yep, armed people bound for Wambesiland! You hate to see it … but you knew it was going happen sooner or later. I think?