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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/17/20

I’m sure the Smifs and the Barlows could rattle off a list of slights and transgressions going back generations that have kept their blood feud alive, but today’s strip shows the real underlying structural motivation behind it: a battle over access to scarce resources.

Mary Worth, 4/17/20

Sure, Hugo is brusquely rejecting Dawn’s suggestion to look at a Star Wars … exhibit? movie? poster? … which is I guess a thing Dawn likes now, and this is a point against him in her mental calculus. But I think he’s actually growing as person: this was a perfect opportunity for him to go on at great length at how much better Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets was than any American sci-fi flick, but he chose not to.

Beetle Bailey, 4/17/20

As the creator of a long-running entertainment website, I understand the tension between going to the well of my classic running bits that regular fans love and doing jokes don’t require backstory so I can hook in potential new readers; newspaper comics face the same dilemma. Today’s Beetle Bailey presents a double face as a result. Longtime strip readers know that the joke here is about the fact that the General and his wife hate each other, and one thing she particularly hates is him staying out late at bars. But if you just came into this strip cold, with no background on the characters, there would really be one logical and obvious way to interpret this punchline: that the General, despite being weary of America’s endless wars, is about to go home, pick up the phone, and start giving the orders that will set yet another one in motion. You can see in his eyes that the thought of sending the ill-prepared men of Camp Swampy into combat is killing a part of his soul, but he has his orders and sees no way out.

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Dustin, 4/16/20

Because Dustin tries to take an even-handed approach to its tales of the generation wars, it gives each of its main characters little foibles: Dustin, for instance, is lazy, feckless, stupid, unattractive to women, and generally is responsible for this once-great nation going down the toilet, whereas Dustin’s dad sometimes likes to snack too much. Anyway, I’m a guy who knows a little bit about emotional eating, and if Dustin thinks his dad can’t shovel popcorn into his maw while weeping, well, it looks like stealing his dad’s popcorn is just another “job” he’s going to fail at.

Mary Worth, 4/16/20

Mary’s go-to piece of concrete advice when people are having a hard time choosing between options is to tell them to make a list of pros and cons, and it looks like Dawn is getting a lot of material as she decides which boyfriend to dump!

HUGO: Extremely hot
JARED: Clumsy, sniveling nerd
Hugo +1

HUGO: Will not shut the fuck up about how much better things are in France
JARED: Will not shut the fuck up about Star Wars
Tie

Looks like Hugo’s still in the lead!

Blondie, 4/16/20

It’s taken years, but I guess the comics-reading public has grown numb to Dagwood’s obviously erotic relationship with food. So now, in order to titillate and repulse us by turns, Dagwood is turning to the auto-erotic, becoming obviously aroused by video footage of himself unhinging his jaw to swallow a sandwich whole. Who says legacy comics can’t innovate?

Dick Tracy, 4/16/20

This strip’s occasional “Minit Mysteries” have usually honored the second half of that phrase, each one providing clues over its two-week span that would allow to reader to solve the mystery, Slylock Fox-style. However, it seems the current Case Of The Sexy Tied Up Alien is going to be solved the “old-fashioned way,” which is to say by the police force executing a no-knock warrant and charging in with their guns blazing, killing perpetrator and victim alike.

Family Circus, 4/16/20

Man, the Family Circus intern/algorithm that combs through the archives for topical panels sure is working hard, huh? I assume this one was originally created as part of a campaign against single-payer health care.

Gasoline Alley, 4/16/20

Gasoline Alley, the strip that brought you a thrilling storyline about trying to return a DVD player, now puts you through each pulse-pounding moment of a meeting that falls apart because the organizers can’t figure out the A/V equipment and the main speaker is late!!!! Can you handle the thrills??????

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Dick Tracy, 4/14/20

Hey, folks, remember like two Dick Tracy storylines ago, when sexy part-alien Mysta Chimera was held captive by the sinister Mister Roboto? Well, if you liked that, you’ll enjoy the current short-run “Minit Mystery,” in which the sexy part-alien Mysta Chimera is held captive by the sinister … well, they haven’t been identified, but they were apparently her partner back in her first story, when she was genetically engineered to believe she was erstwhile Dick Tracy daughter-in-law Moon Maid but that all turned out to be a big fake and she was just a gangster’s daughter who won a lookalike contest and then her body and mind were horribly altered with alien DNA as part of a scheme to steal Diet Smith’s Space Coupe. Anyhoo, I mostly bring this up because Mysta getting tied up clearly seems to be somebody’s “thing,” which is neither here nor there, but the addition of nightmarish blowtorch torture puts this right in classic Dick Tracy territory.

Daddy Daze, 4/14/20

Oh, this actually explains a lot about Angus, the precocious, seemingly super-powered Daddy Daze baby! He’s not a “baby” so much as a genetic experiment that aims to create something greater and more powerful than an everyday human, and his “parents” are actually the major shareholders in the mysterious corporation seeking to profit from this forbidden science. Once Angus gets to high school and his powers become manifest, they will get all the blame, in the sense that they’ll be tried for crimes against humanity.

Mary Worth, 4/14/20

Hahaha this is amazing. “Oh shit,” thinks Dawn, “I thought I was in love with Jared, but I forgot that Hugh was incredibly hot. What the fuck was I thinking?”