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Archive: Mary Worth

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Too bad the animals ate all the humans who knew how to design radar guns, huh

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Hi and Lois, 7/1/19

Oh, man, take that, corporate fast food chains. Real America, as represented by the Flagstons, our most iconic artistic depiction of the suburban middle class, is sick of your bullshit. Burger King? More like Burger PEASANT. McDonald’s? More like McGARBAGE. Don’t even get them started on “fast casual quick service restaurants” or whatever people are expected call Chipotle and the various “Chipotle but for non-burrito foods” places. From now on, the only good kind of fast food is hot dogs sold at shockingly low prices served out of wooden carts that are grandfathered out of health department oversight. They will not come with any packaging, or any napkins.

Mary Worth, 7/1/19

FINALLY, our long national Estelle-Arther-Wilbur nightmare is over and we’re moving on to a … Dawn plot? Um. I’m not quite sure this is what we’ve been begging for, but since she makes it clear she’s not taking classes this summer, that means she’s got lots of free time that could in theory lead to wacky hijinks. Today we get a glimpse into how Dawn has matured over the years: despite the high-end education she’s getting at UC Santa Royale, which includes very personalized attention from the faculty, she’s polite enough to just smell Mary’s roses and not condescendingly explain what a metaphor is.

Slylock Fox, 7/1/19

Slylock is doing some basic math to prove that Wanda’s average speed since leaving the diner is higher than the posted speed at one specific point along her route, which, if you think about it, doesn’t add up to anything that would hold water in court, at all, but I think it’s even more important to point out that Wanda is an actual witch with the power of flight and maybe the car just flew most of the way there, you know? Speed limits only apply to the ground! What are you, in charge of sky law now, Slylock? You’re not, you hear me? You’re not in charge of sky law!

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Soapy Saturday

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/29/19

Oh, by the way, I was right: it was chemtrails! And I can see the gears already starting to grind in Rex’s head about the Local Chemtrail Treatment Specialist. I certainly hope there’s a meeting of the minds, but I can’t decide if I’d rather see Rex portentously lecture this quack on medical ethics or become intrigued by the high profit margins and short working hours involved in offering treatments for ailments that don’t actually exist.

Mary Worth, 6/29/19

Well, the night is winding down and Mary and Dr. Jeff can agree that while it’s great for other people like Estelle and Wilbur to try new things (not projecting her fantasies onto a disembodied phone voice and not spending the evenings weeping in the shower, respectively), they’re going to stay in their comfortable rut of underspiced seafood, a semi-vigorous walk down the Santa Royale boardwalk, and some desultory thrice-monthly lovemaking. Can we start on another plot next week? Please?

Judge Parker, 6/29/19

Oh, Roy, I think you very much overestimate how much attention Alan pays to the identities of his social equals’ servants. Alan has never given a moment’s thought to “that homely gal Sam hired to help Abbey around the house” and he never will!

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Look, Mr. Lewton, do you want the antidote or not

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Mary Worth, 6/24/19

Wow, so, uh, this Mary Worth plot: still happening??? I guess????? The obvious implication that this conversation is really about how Mary got Jeff to try all sorts of weird sex stuff when they first started dating and now he’s become such a kinkster than he wants to open up their relationship is too much for me to handle, emotionally, so I’m just going to take everything here at face value and point out how incredibly limited Dr. Jeff’s palatte must’ve been if going to some extremely mediocre boardwalk seafood restaurant constitutes “adventurous eating” for him. I guess the other possibility is that the “adventure” arises from the consistent C ratings the Bum Boat gets from the Santa Royale Health Department.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 6/24/19

I’ve given some thought to the logistics here, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the best case scenario is that Batman is aiming his penis so that his piss falls in an arc just past his nose and into toilet bowl, and the worst case scenario is that his penis is dangling upside down with the rest of him and urine is just, like, flowing down his chest and into his face, which is disgusting, but keep in mind that even a slight misstep with the best case scenario also results in a faceful of piss. This comic is an affront to human dignity, is what I’m trying to say, and I certainly hope DC Comics and its parent company, Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc., sues the entire newspaper comics industry out of existence in response. It would be wholly merited.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/24/19

Oh boy, this is even better than I’d hoped! What do you think Mr. Lewton is obsessing over? GMOs? Chemtrails? Vaccines? I’m very much looking forward to some heavy, heavy sighing from Rex.