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Judge Parker, 8/21/24

You know, back in the day, young Sophie was a real nerd who used to spend a lot of time on laptops analyzing grim data about wars and environmental collapse and such. Then she hit puberty and got sort of boy crazy and remade herself into a mean girl super cheerleader. Now, having entered college and become a young adult, she’s finally managed to integrate the two sides of her personality, learning to flirt with a hot boy while using her laptop to scour video footage for evidence of his father’s death.

Mary Worth, 8/21/24

It’s a tough, expensive, and sometimes thankless journey to becoming a veterinarian, but think of the benefits: when your betrothed starts getting tiresome about all the wedding-planning details, you can just look her straight in the eye and say “Every time you say another color name at me, another cat dies. Is that what you want? Dead cats?” You can’t pull that sort of power move if you have some dumb spreadsheet job, that’s for sure.

Dennis the Menace, 8/21/24

“Every day, the number of Dennis iterations increases! This simply isn’t sustainable! It’s a menace to the very nature of our reality!”

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Slylock Fox, 8/19/24

Slylock is not alarmed because he knows about the square cube law, which dictates that this unnaturally enlarged mosquito’s body will not be able to support his own weight and he will soon die as his respiratory and circulatory systems collapse. We can only pray that Weirdly’s mechanical tinkering with the bug’s brain wiped away his conscious mind so that he doesn’t have to experience the excruciating process.

Mary Worth, 8/19/24

Remember Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Well, get ready for the upcoming Ed-Estelle wedding plotline, Veterinarians Think About Sad Dogs Who Want More Pills All Day, While Unpaid Veterinarian Assistants Spiral Into Bridezilla Mania And Possibly Set The Stage For Actual Fightfights At Their Weddings. I’m tentatively into it!

Gasoline Alley, 8/19/24

Sure, you might say that blogging about comics is “pretty easy all things considered” and “not a real job,” but have you considered the untold psychic damage I take every day, for your amusement, as any number of insane comics details burrow permanently into my brain? For instance, years from now, when my mind has turned to soup and I have forgotten the name and face of everyone I ever loved, I guarantee that if you visit me in whatever facility I’m warehoused in and whisper “Chief Meowrice” into my ear, the correct neuron sequence will fire and my mind’s eye will be presented with the image of this horrible French cat advertising pitchman. If I’m lucky, the experience will kill me.

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Bizarro, 8/17/24

Hey, have you heard of the concept of “burial at sea?” Well, get this, what if there’s a sort of cool party guy — you know, the kind who wears Hawaiian shirts on the regular — who spends a lot of time in hot tubs, and so he requests a “burial at jacuzzi?” Would be pretty funny, right? Not clear if he means his private home jacuzzi, or the one in his condo complex, or just some random jacuzzi in a hotel or gym somewhere, but it would a pretty funny concept if you dumped this guy’s corpse into it, and it slowly bloated and rotted there, and some poor soul stumbled upon it days later, discovering a jacuzzi that has now been turned into an awful soup full of human guts … wait, no, did I say funny? I meant horrible! It would be horrible! Did we already do a cartoon about this, based on the premise from earlier in the paragraph, when it seemed more innocent and carefree? We did? And you’re saying it’s published in newspapers for God and everyone to see? Ah shit ah shit!

Mary Worth, 8/17/24

Oh yeah, also Dr. Ed proposed to Estelle or whatever, which I haven’t bothered talking about because it’s just been two solid weeks of talking about how much they love each other without any hint of upcoming dramatic conflict of any kind. Today, we finally get a glimpse at what an actual story might hold: is it possible that Ed and Estelle are going to be spending too much time together? She already works for him (without pay!) so maybe the scam-prone Estelle is being pulled into a little two-person cult from which she won’t be able to escape. Remember, the court can’t force a wife to testify against her husband for various animal-related crimes, the way it could force a nephew to testify against his uncle!