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Arctic Circle, 2/14/24

Arctic Circle is usually a strip about climate change and other environmental issues, but on this special day of St. Valentine, it boldly poses the question: Could a human who is horny for penguins and a penguin horny for people find love, on an app? And could their hybrid children carry penguin DNA into a future in which the ice caps have all melted and full-blooded penguins go extinct? Let’s carry this beautiful dream into 2024!

Blondie, 2/14/24

Sorry, I know this is supposed to be “cute” but all I can experience is utter revulsion at what the consistency of that steak sauce must be in order for it to hold its shape like that. It’s like fucking toothpaste, the nastiest toothpaste you’ve ever seen. I know Dagwood’s appetites are born in the darkest nightmares of our subconscious, but this is too much even this strip.

Mary Worth, 2/14/24

Most of today’s strips were supposed to be “fun” “romantic” Valentine’s Day strips, and Arctic Circle and Blondie were honestly the best of the lot. (Not one but two strips did jokes about male praying mantises dipping their heads in chocolate so their lovers would enjoy eating them, after sex.) But only Mary Worth dares to look at the dark side of romance on this day, and tells us that sometimes you think a girl is your long-lost daughter and so you rekindle your sexual relationship with her mom but then you find out the kid isn’t yours and so you gradually start fading out and eventually ghost her. That’s why this strip is #1! Read and learn, losers!

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Crock, 2/11/24

You know, some days I open up the ol’ comics in my newspaper web browser and think, “After all these years on this blog, do I truly have anything new to say?” But then I realize that Crock contains one of the many Crockian elements that annoy me — the tendency to generically call all the enlisted men under Crock’s command “trooper” — and I finally take the initiative go look up the names of the ranks in the French Foreign Legion and discover that, in fact, their equivalent of a private is given the rank of “légionnaire.” Why wouldn’t they be calling them this in this strip? You’re the only newspaper comic strip set in the French Foreign Legion, please lean into it! Why else do you think people are even reading you? Trust me, it’s not for the jokes.

Six Chix, 2/11/24

“Wait, why is this guy green?” you’re probably asking, like a simpleton. Uh, hello? Some sicko in San Francisco just removed his head from his neck, and then removed his neck entirely, and then affixed his head directly to his shoulders? My dude definitely died during that process, which is why, just like the classic Universal Pictures design of Frankenstein’s Monster, he’s green, because that’s what color a shambling collection of rotting corpse parts is. Can’t believe I still have to explain this to you people.

Panels from Beetle Bailey, 2/11/24

Something extremely sinister is happening in the throwaway panels of Beetle Bailey. “I’m so close to convincing the platoon that the world is slowly dying and the only solution is mass suicide. Hopefully they won’t notice — ah, damn it! Curse Zero’s eternal optimism and functioning clock!”

Dick Tracy, 2/11/24

Aw, looks like Sam’s gone back to visit his old popski at the family diner. And just in time to keep his dad from poisoning yet another one of his customers!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/11/24

“I never could’ve imagined this outcome. It’s wild, huh? Surprises? Arbitrary revelations for which no groundwork has been laid? This is what people enjoy in narrative, right? They find this satisfying?”

Mary Worth, 2/11/24

Oh, no! Sonia isn’t Keith’s daughter after all! Who could’ve possibly predicted? Oh, right, all of us. Obviously what’s going to happen is that Keith isn’t going to tell anybody this and will just continue to treat Sonia as the daughter he never knew because That’s What A Hero He Is, but I think it would be very funny if today’s quote is a hint that his emotional devastation is going to lead to a mescaline binge.

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Mary Worth, 2/10/24

While we’ve heard a lot about how Keith is a good romantic partner and putting in the work as a father figure, we haven’t actually seen a lot of evidence supporting those assertions, and plenty of contradictory evidence, frankly. But today, we learn that he really has stepped up, in that he appears to have kept Kitty and Sonia entirely unaware of Mary Worth’s existence; he just refers to her elliptically as “my neighbor,” which tells me that he has not been singing her praises unprompted whenever an opportunity arises. Using his massive bulk to shield his newfound love ones from Mary’s meddling gaze … truly the greatest act of heroism I’ve seen in this strip.

Gil Thorp, 2/10/24

Hey, remember when that coach with a perm got beat up by one of his own students? Well, he, uh, he’s got PTSD now. So much so that he finds Gil intimidating! It’s sad, really.

Beetle Bailey, 2/10/24

You can just say Taylor Swift, Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC! I know your median reader is 78 years old, but I promise you, you can just say Taylor Swift.