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Mary Worth, 8/21/17

Soooo, just to clarify: Dr. Ned’s sudden, intense interest in Dawn’s living situation, combined with that mid-date phone call he abruptly had to take earlier, means that, despite his earlier divorce talk, he is still 100% extremely married, right? This puts all of Jared’s passive-aggressive sheeshing in a different light, though if he’s really concerned about Dawn being taken advantage of, he should probably try just giving her the information she needs to make an informed decision about her romantic life, rather than loudly proclaiming his own sexual availability and then flailing about wildly.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/21/17

Ha ha, “we’ll be outnumbered” is a thing parents often say upon having a third kid, as a joke, but Rex’s face shows that he is deadly serious here. As well he should be! Sarah’s convenient bout of amnesia may have erased her intimate inside knowledge of how violent crime syndicates work, but she has shown herself a natural leader, effortlessly assembling teams of the downtrodden and acquiring powerful allies. Rex is right to be worried! If they presented Sarah with another foot soldier, he and June would be prisoners in their house’s basement within a week!

Gil Thorp, 8/21/17

OH WELL THE COLLEGE FRESHMAN WHO LED HIS TEAM TO A 3 AND 5 RECORD IN THE ACC LAST YEAR (OR MORE LIKELY WATCHED THEM BE MEDIOCRE FROM THE BENCH) HAS SPOKEN!!!! I GUESS JAQUAN IS AN NFL PLAYER NOW

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Mary Worth, 8/19/17

HOW TO CONVINCE A GAL TO DO SEX WITH YOU:

1. Give responses that indicate that you’ve listened to at least the last couple of sentences she’s said. Example:

DAWN: It was difficult integrating my relationships with both of my parents, what with them living so far apart.

DR. NED: [PROCESSING DATASET: “CONNECTICUT”, “SANTA ROYALE”] Yes, it certainly is enriching to have lived in two widely separated locations!

2. Block her means of egress, initiate simultaneous physical and eye contact, and remind her that you remember what her name is. Example:

DR. NED: [SCANNING MEMORY: WHAT IS THIS ONE CALLED AGAIN?] Dawn…

Beetle Bailey, 8/19/17

Beetle is the victim of unrelenting physical abuse, and the church is only willing to do lip service when it comes to protecting him from harm.

Blondie, 8/19/17

“[enters staring at iPad] Ever use mobile apps, Mr. B?”: What an old person thinks a young person is like.

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The Lockhorns, 8/18/17

While the Lockhorns occasionally demonstrate the strong emotions you might expect from a couple trapped in an endless, awful hell-marriage between two people who hate each other, more often their faces display only the icy, indifferent numbness that you might expect from people who try their best not to feel anything at all. Today’s panel is particularly grim in that regard: Leroy is of course unfazed as the house fills with thick, choking black smoke and his and Loretta’s murder-suicide pact finally goes into operation, but his friend, who appears to have dropped by to visit at exactly the wrong time, seems only mildly more concerned. I’m not sure if this is because the Lockhorns put out a force-field of ennui that snuffs out the energy of hapless passers-by, or if it’s just a result of carbon monoxide drowsiness.

Crankshaft, 8/18/17

Crankshaft looks a lot more proud and determined than usual in this panel. “That’s right,” he thinks. “We live in a world where an abundance-based economy is possible and nobody needs to go hungry. The hoarders and wreckers of the parastic food industry will have their plans ruined and capitalism itself will be shaken, by the power of my zucchini!”

Mary Worth, 8/18/17

Mary Worth is many, many delightful things, but one thing it is generally not is subtle about the future direction of its plotlines, and keeping that in mind I want to point out that the name of the fancy restaurant where this handsome divorced fortysomething doctor took a college-aged hospital admin temp on a date is French for “THE LOVE DOG.”