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Spider-Man, 8/7/17

Ahem, anyone who’s even given a cursory look over the Griffith Observatory’s website would know that “The Observatory does not permit rentals at any time for personal or seasonal events (such as birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, bar mitzvahs, and holiday parties).” There is a potential loophole, though: you can rent the observatory for an event that furthers “the goals of civic responsibility; promotion of science and astronomy; collaboration on issues in which the Observatory has a functional relationship, such as education; or celebration of Griffith Park, its donor, or the facility itself.” Surely it would advance the cause of science if Mole Man were to give a lecture to assembled surface dwellers on the strange world beneath the Earth’s surface, which we know even less about than we do the other planets in our solar system. And if someone wanted to get married at the end of his talk … well, who could possibly object? You’d have to be a cruel bully like Rebel Without A Cause’s “Buzz” Gunderson to raise a fuss!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/7/17

The point of this is that this caricaturist is going to be yet another Famous Person From The Elaborate Backstory Of Starbuck Jones Who’s Down On His Luck For Some Reason, which I’ll have lots of time to complain about later, but I do want to point out that this lady is basically saying “I hired someone to perform labor, but now I’m mad because I could’ve made one of our guests do the thing he gets paid to do, but for free!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/7/17

Ah ha ha, she’s really going to do it, isn’t she? Dump her kid at the Morgans’ while she heads out to score some pills or possibly die? This is going to be delicious.

Mary Worth, 8/7/17

“LIKE IF YOU WANT TO FUCK OR SOMETHING! I WILL DEFINITELY COME TO YOUR WEIRD APARTMENT IN AN OUTDATED CONDO COMPLEX AND DO SEX TO YOU ON THE TWIN BED IN YOUR CHILDHOOD BEDROOM WHILE YOUR DAD IS OUT OF TOWN! I’LL BE THERE … FOR SEX! YOU SHOULDN’T HANG OUT WITH DR. NED, HE’S A REAL CREEP, BY THE WAY. NOT LIKE ME, I’M NICE!”

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Mary Worth, 8/5/17

Remember, whether a guy is a ruggedly handsome but troubled mid-fortysomething alpha or a whiny, passive-aggressive early-thirtysomething beta, he has a lot of potential techniques for convincing a 19-year-old to make the terrible decision to sleep with him, and pretty high on the list is the “you seem so mature!” gambit. Don’t worry, though, nobody who’s ever tried to flirt by saying “you’ve surprised me again, [first and last name of the person I’m flirting with]” has ever actually had sex.

Blondie, 8/5/17

I pretty much assume that most legacy comics are written by aging men who get a lot of inspiration by looking at the news/today’s society and saying “What the hell is this about,” and as an aging man myself, I find this impulse more and more relatable. For instance, did you know that this treadmill bike is apparently a real thing, and that its inventor came up with it trying to answer the question “How can I use the treadmill outdoors?” He deserves every bit of roasting the Blondie-industrial complex can heap upon him, in my cranky old opinion.

Crankshaft, 8/5/17

Speaking of cranky and old, the cranky old men of Crankshaft have a cute way to let each other know they’re “just kidding around” when the political talk gets too heated: they just shit themselves right there in the booth at the diner!

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Mary Worth, 8/3/17

“As a mere medical assistant, you are not authorized to question the sexual behavior of doctors! And as Dr. Fletcher’s current sexual target, his status has accrued to me! Now return to your duties and cease making eye contact with me at once!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/3/17

“Oh, right, we saw those pills in your purse last night so we dropped him off at Child Protective Services while you were asleep. We’re the Morgans — we know what’s right for everybody!”

Spider-Man, 8/3/17

Mole-Man, having already easily defeated Spider-Man by hitting him in the thigh with a stick, is under no illusions about how much protection he can offer.

Beetle Bailey, 8/3/17

“Gosh, it makes me mad that so many people seem to view the U.S. military as the enforcement arm of an acquisitive, hegemonic imperial state rather than as a noble and purely defensive institution! At least I know there’s one unquestioningly pro-military pop culture franchise out there: Beetle Bailey. Now to take a big sip of coffee and read today’s strip.”