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Pardon My Planet, 8/25/24

Ha ha, you guys, you know how Superman has heat vision, right? Well, what if — hear me out — what if he was out with his girlfriend, Lois Lane, but was subtly eyeing some other lady who he found attractive, but then his heat vision activated, possibly because he got horny, and then he set her on fire? Like, literally on fire, probably one of the most terrifying and horrific things someone could experience, her screams and the smell of burning flesh filling the restaurant. And then Lois is like “Superman! I’m mad at you!” Not because of the checking the lady out thing (they’re polyamorous), but because he’s horribly injured that woman and traumatized a bunch of people who just wanted a nice dinner out. Not so “super,” is it?

Mary Worth, 8/25/24

Oh, God, Dr. Ed absolutely has an elaborately colored spreadsheet on that laptop with the expected lifespan of all his patients on it, right? And there are a bunch of red cells in the coming week or so? Ed is the first vet who’s managed to really quantify exactly when every animal under his care is going to die, and he thought it would help him run his business more efficiently, but actually it’s crushing and depressing, just like the gift of prophecy always is. No fancy ball/exotic zoo theme can lift this burden from his shoulders!

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Marvin and Hi and Lois, 8/24/24

Jeff … Hi … you morons. You idiots. You absolute fools. You’re already looking ahead to the passage of time, to the day when your kids have grown up and this phase of their life and yours is over forever, either with an anticipatory sense of nostalgia (Hi) or a frankly dickish mercenary sullenness (Jeff). But it will never happen. You’re stuck there, with these kids at the age they are, forever. It’s already been decades, but you can’t see it, can’t feel it, can’t know it. But it has been, and it will be. This is it. This is now. This is always now.

Mary Worth, 8/24/24

I guess Ed is cradling his new finacée firmly but gently in his arms to reestablish intimacy after their little dispute, but it really just looks like he’s physically restraining her from rushing to the table and adding yet another color-coded folder to her collection, this one for information on local DJs sorted by price and Yelp rating.

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Mary Worth, 8/22/24

Oh, he’s listening, Estelle — he’s just horrified that you would think that, as a vet, he’d be OK with a zoo themed wedding. He has to deal with animals all day at work — do you think he wants to see all his human friends and family pretending to be animals, too? Plus he has issues with zoos on ethical grounds — putting wild creatures in cages is cruel! Maybe you two aren’t as simpatico as he thought!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/22/24

I tease about Glenwood’s entertainment offerings but you know who really must be starved for fun? The poor citizens of Hootin’ Holler. There’s exactly one television in town and you have to bribe the parson to get a look at it, the only radio station anyone can get mostly broadcasts NASCAR races, and it even seems like the traditional arts of folk music have passed this community buy. That’s why Silas, the town’s only real capitalist, is trying out giving the people what they want: wacky vaudeville-style act-out bits, with props. Sure, it’s free now, but once he gets the customers hooked, they’ll be more than willing to pay a little extra for their daily chuckle!

Crock, 8/22/24

Hey guys, remember the Wise Sage, the beloved (?) Crock character who lives in a cave (??) in the desert? Well, turns out he’s very old and lives out his every moment in agony, yet still forever hopes to stave off death, for at least one more moment, because he fears what might come after. Fun!