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Judge Parker, 10/27/16

Welp, we always knew the other shoe would drop eventually when the upstanding Parker family, which owns the local judgeship by feudal right, tied itself to a clan of notorious mercenaries and killers! Oh, sure, at first they tried to keep their in-laws in the dark about their illegal activities, but, know this: when your son marries a CIA (?) assassin, you will at some point be called upon to help fake her father’s death.

Mary Worth, 10/27/16

Speaking of trauma in the soaps, Mary, who’s life hasn’t changed in any meaningful way in fifty years, sure seems nervous hearing Wilbur’s tales of When Bad Things Happened Overseas! Considering all the dramatic carnage happening in other soaps, I wonder if Mary Worth is angling to join in on the fun? Santa Royale isn’t far from the San Andreas Fault, is what I’m saying, or from the Diablo Canyon nuclear power plant. It’d be a shame if the next Charterstone pool party were interrupted by a massive earthquake-tsunami, followed by a wave of radioactive debris falling from the sky — a real shame, I tell ya.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/27/16

As a paid-in-full member of America’s Elite™, June is always careful to respect trademark law, as intellectual property production is the backbone of our economy. Nobody’s going to be making unlicensed references to the lucrative franchises of The Walt Disney Company here! The characters from The Wizard of Oz, meanwhile, are firmly in the public domain and thus fair game.

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Hello everybody! I’m back, and want to say a huge thank you to Uncle Lumpy for pinch hitting and running the fundraiser, and to everyone who participated in said fundraiser, and to those who took the plunge on the Patreon, the latter of which will have some Interesting Benefits in coming months! I will be sending out a questionnaire this week to everyone who qualified for a tote bag finding out if you want said tote bag and if so where I should send it, so if you think you should’ve gotten one of those but don’t by the end of the week, please email me to let me know!

Meanwhile, I’ve crawled out of the smoldering crater where I spent the last week and am ready to bring you more comics joy!

Mary Worth, 10/24/16

If by “joy” you mean “dramatic older-lady-reading-the-newspaper-in-her-tastefully-appointed-condo-unit action,” which I certainly do, as I hope it’s obvious by now! Anyway, Tommy’s drug problems seem to have been solved by oppressive mothering and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, so now we’re beginning an exciting new story! Has Wilbur returned from his trip to harass the Japanese without informing Mary? How dare he? The upcoming pool party is going to be extremely icy.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/24/16

Welp, as predicted, Bull has been diagnosed with concussion-induced chronic traumatic encephalopathy. This prompted his abrupt retirement, which is ostensibly to enjoy spending some time with his remaining cognitive abilities, but also has the benefit of protecting his student-athletes from his intermittent rage attacks. Do you think the kids on the team have been told why their coach is leaving mid-season, or are they being kept in the dark so that they don’t all quit football forever en masse when confronted with visceral evidence of what it can do to the human brain?

Six Chix, 10/24/16

Wait, does … does the “cats have nine lives” thing only apply to cats owned by witches? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t only apply to cats owned by witches.

Dennis the Menace, 10/24/16

“His skin, so lifelike — his pose, so natural. Nobody would ever guess that he was taxidermied over a decade ago and placed in his favorite chair to terrify neighborhood children! I tell ya, Gina, this sort of craftsmanship is a dying art. I guarantee you we won’t look this good when it’s our time.”

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Judge Parker, 10/23/16

Godiva Danube (neé Brunhilde Akerman) burst upon our collective consciousness in April 2009 as movie star, equestrienne, wife of country-music legend Rocky Sledge, supporter of Our Brave Troops, and adoptive mother of six refugee children (all now playing nicely with the Thorp kids down at the bottom of the memory hole; don’t forget to toss in some Legos and string cheese as you pass by).

Today, with the Godiva-affiliate wing of the Spencer-Driver empire in literal collapse behind her, she wisely if callously cuts her losses, protects her #Brand, and Gets the Hell out of Dodge. Given the new author’s interest in paring down the cast of characters, this may be the last we’ll see of her. Farewell, Godiva, and thanks for all the cheesecake!

[Caution: video plays oom-pah music. Sincere apologies to Tom Jones.]

Mark Trail, 10/23/16

Heart-stopping killer eyeball plants – for those special times when parasitic flatworms aren’t creepy enough!

Mary Worth, (panels) 10/23/16

Through the dark times of addiction and even prison, you never, ever question your Worth — not if you know what’s good for you, buddy.

Well, my time here is up.

SO UNFAIR.

Josh will be back tomorrow — thanks for a lovely week!

–Uncle Lumpy