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Mary Worth, 8/5/17

Remember, whether a guy is a ruggedly handsome but troubled mid-fortysomething alpha or a whiny, passive-aggressive early-thirtysomething beta, he has a lot of potential techniques for convincing a 19-year-old to make the terrible decision to sleep with him, and pretty high on the list is the “you seem so mature!” gambit. Don’t worry, though, nobody who’s ever tried to flirt by saying “you’ve surprised me again, [first and last name of the person I’m flirting with]” has ever actually had sex.

Blondie, 8/5/17

I pretty much assume that most legacy comics are written by aging men who get a lot of inspiration by looking at the news/today’s society and saying “What the hell is this about,” and as an aging man myself, I find this impulse more and more relatable. For instance, did you know that this treadmill bike is apparently a real thing, and that its inventor came up with it trying to answer the question “How can I use the treadmill outdoors?” He deserves every bit of roasting the Blondie-industrial complex can heap upon him, in my cranky old opinion.

Crankshaft, 8/5/17

Speaking of cranky and old, the cranky old men of Crankshaft have a cute way to let each other know they’re “just kidding around” when the political talk gets too heated: they just shit themselves right there in the booth at the diner!

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Mary Worth, 8/3/17

“As a mere medical assistant, you are not authorized to question the sexual behavior of doctors! And as Dr. Fletcher’s current sexual target, his status has accrued to me! Now return to your duties and cease making eye contact with me at once!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/3/17

“Oh, right, we saw those pills in your purse last night so we dropped him off at Child Protective Services while you were asleep. We’re the Morgans — we know what’s right for everybody!”

Spider-Man, 8/3/17

Mole-Man, having already easily defeated Spider-Man by hitting him in the thigh with a stick, is under no illusions about how much protection he can offer.

Beetle Bailey, 8/3/17

“Gosh, it makes me mad that so many people seem to view the U.S. military as the enforcement arm of an acquisitive, hegemonic imperial state rather than as a noble and purely defensive institution! At least I know there’s one unquestioningly pro-military pop culture franchise out there: Beetle Bailey. Now to take a big sip of coffee and read today’s strip.”

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Spider-Man, 7/30/17

You know, this is the second Newspaper Spider-Man Mole-Man adventure I’ve covered on my blog, and it occurs to me that I don’t know if he has any particular … powers? … other than his now-lost political dominion over Subterrenea. He seems to have the ability to effectively hit people with sticks, but other than that, does he have … mole-strength? Mole-vision, which would be the actual opposite of a superpower? Why does he wear those glasses all the time? Does he even have eyes? According to Wikipedia, he has “highly developed ‘radar senses’ to help his weak normal vision,” and said vision was weakened when, soon after falling into the underground realm, “he suffered permanent damage to his eyes when he gazed directly upon a highly reflective deposit of diamonds,” which, that is in no way how any of that works, man. Anyway, the point is that today we learn that, whatever his vision situation, he at least has working tear-ducts, and a working heart (I’m speaking metaphorically here but no doubt his literal heart also works).

Meanwhile, we should believe Peter when he says that he never thought he’d hear himself say that he thinks his aunt’s wedding should go on as planned. That’s because he doesn’t want her to remarry, because he can’t handle not being at the center of her emotional life. He’s a real dick!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/30/17

Ha ha, whoops, Margie isn’t dying, she’s just dying to get her hands on some sweet, sweet pills, and the Morgans are only people with a prescription pad that she has even a tenuous relationship with who she hasn’t alienated yet! Anyway, it’s nice to know that America’s #1 serial comic strip about medical issues has finally decided to tackle America’s current #1 medical issue, after having warmed up over the past year or so with storylines about non-blockbuster problems like sleep apnea and dehydration.

Mary Worth, 7/30/17

There are few things that will get Dawn “in the mood” like a cute guy muttering about his post-divorce loneliness while staring into a highball glass! This is gonna be one of those magical “when depressed and predatory meets naive and low self-esteem” romances that you read about in storybooks.