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Mark Trail, 3/31/17

Whoa, whoa, whoa there Mark Trail, after boring, interminable days of black-footed ferret and prairie dog survey talk and even more boring, interminable days of Mark taking Rusty fishing and promising to take Rusty and Cherry on a trip to Mexico at some unspecified time in the future, which was so boring and interminable that I didn’t even bother discussing it here, we have some abrupt whiplash as we’re suddenly thrust into the seedy, violent South Dakota underworld. I guess Johnny and Mark are going to do less ferret/prairie dog counting and more punching and/or avoiding getting shot! It would be “too bad” if they fell victim to gunplay.

Gil Thorp, 3/31/17

Wait wait hold up: Ken Brown’s mom is the same judge who put erstwhile Most Unpleasant Mudlark Barry “Darth” Bader’s dad in jail last year? Frustratingly, I didn’t post any of the strips where she appears, but I’m pretty sure this is her, plus how many Mudlarks could possibly have judge moms, anyway? Sure, she her name is “Hiatt,” not Brown, but a liberal feminazi who refuses to take her husband’s name is exactly the sort of judicial activist who thinks an upstanding businessman who maybe had a drink or two should go to prison just because he killed someone with his car.

Beetle Bailey, 3/31/17

Man, if you need a quick primer on the priorities of the staff of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, compare the loving, idyllic representation of a golf course in panel two to the featureless void that is General Halftrack’s office in panel one.

Mary Worth, 3/31/17

“Oh, you welcome all helpful hints?” asks Mary. Her eyes glow a dull red. “You’re voluntarily requesting helpful hints from me,” she says. Her jaw unhinges and the top of her head flips back, revealing an infinitely black maw. “I have so many helpful hints to give you. So many.” A terrible fluttering of filthy wings blots out first all other sounds and then the sun, yet somehow they can still hear her. “SO MANY. SO HELPFUL.”

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Mary Worth, 3/29/17

UHHHHHHHHH, what’s this, Mary Worth, you spent days feeding us amped-up mania about the GLORY AND PAGEANTRY OF THE CRUISE INDUSTRY, only to present some lame “I can’t quit smoking” storyline” as the payoff? “Make a list of pros and cons, dear,” Mary will say, swaying unsteadily after six drinks at the Endless Margarita Buffet. “On the pro side, a cigarette offers a fleeting moment of pleasure; on the con, you’ll die and your wife will leave you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go discretely vomit.”

Slylock Fox, 3/29/17

The animals have mostly wiped humanity off the surface of the earth and seized our cars, our tents, even the clothes we used to wear. But as the answer to question number two reveals, they haven’t taken over our dreams. These pigs may be more advanced than their brutish ancestors and prefer a dry tent to a muddy sty; but their limited worldview makes them believe the water on earth is all they’ll ever had. The exterminated human civilization dreamed of flying into space and mining the comets for their precious water, something beyond the swine’s mental horizons. While the pigs may have learned to wear pants, metaphorically they still live in the mud.

Dennis the Menace, 3/29/17

Wow, literally yesterday Dennis was baffled by his parents’ low-grade flirting and today he’s like, “Yep, it’s spring, you can tell because everyone wants to fuck.”

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Spider-Man, 3/28/17

So MJ has to get Ronan, the Accuser, currently in suspended animation, to Albuquerque to use as a human Kree shield against the violent, nightmarish Shemp-bot. And she’s getting there the old fashioned way: using the free market! No “government handout” needed for this entrepreneurial gal! Yes, it’s completely believable that whatever cash she happens to have on hand is enough for her to buy a large commercial vehicle, which is presumably the driver’s main business asset, as well as pay for several hours of labor from both the driver and four day laborers. The system works!

Mary Worth, 3/28/17

Ooooh, I’m guessing this eager couple are about to have their lives meddled in — for the better — over the course of this cruise! What do you suppose their problem is? Maybe they’ve never actually seen a body of water larger than Lake Michigan, so they’ll immediately start panicing the moment they get on the open ocean! Or, since they seem to believe “Hoosiers” and “Cruisers” rhyme, maybe they aren’t really from Indiana or even native speakers of English, and Mary’s about to blow their sinister spy ring right open.

Dennis the Menace, 3/28/17

Call me a prude if you will, but I feel personally menaced by this open display of Mitchell-on-Mitchell sexuality. I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HENRY’S EROTIC BATHING FANTASIES, OR, WORSE, HIS EROTIC BATHING REALITES, OK? I DON’T. I DON’T.