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Mark Trail, 10/29/15

As these bad-ass criminals switch their combat-grade amphibious ATVs from sea to land mode, comics-reading children across America are getting an important lesson: just because you’re a part of a violent, sinister gang trying to recover stolen radioactive material doesn’t mean you should skimp on nautical safety! Check out those properly fitted life jackets, kids! Be like these guys, in certain specific ways!

Apartment 3-G, 10/29/15

Oh, snap, are we going to be entering Margo’s dreamscape? At last, an excuse to be in a featureless void! And if you need a spirit guide in your featureless void, why not choose your hallucination of Tommie, the most featureless and empty of A3G characters?

Mary Worth, 10/29/15

Sorry, Bobby and Gina! I know you love Mary so much you invited her to New York for your surprise wedding! Sorry, Shelly! I know you’re so close to Mary that she was your sole guest when you received your major award! Sorry, handsome Broadway legend Ken Kensington! I know your heart was bewitched by Mary’s charms! Sorry to all, but it seems that Mary will be spending her time in New York with a psychic eight-year-old and not any of you.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/29/15

The grim looks on everyone’s faces really sell this punny banter, if by “really sell” you mean “make abundantly clear that everyone involved is the victim of a cruel God and is being forced as some kind of awful punishment to say”.

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Mary Worth, 10/25/15

I was going to make a joke about how Mary is planning on journeying to New York to pledge her fealty to Olive, our new hyper-evolved Goddess-Queen who will one day enslave humanity with her mind powers, but I can’t get past today’s Inspirational Sunday Quote, from former Vice President Hubert H. Humphrey, who lost the bitterly contested 1968 presidential election and then apparently went on to claim that, really, nothing in life is better than friendship. He didn’t want to be president anyway. Nixon was fine, and he’s not even mad about losing, since he’s got good pals. Yep, friendship, that’s what really counts.

Family Circus, 10/25/15

I was going to make some joke about how Kids Today can’t conceive of a Halloween celebration without the omnipresent branded characters that have crowded all imagination out of their fantasy world, but then I saw panel one and got a load of Ma Keane’s costume: she’s going as some kind of horrifying pinheaded circus freak.

Panels from Beetle Bailey, 10/25/15

I was going to make a joke about how today’s Beetle Bailey throwaway panels are pretty clearly about how Miss Buxley wants Beetle to have some energy tonight, for sex, but then I got a look at this strip’s attempt to depict ears from behind and ew ew ew ew ewwwwwwww

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Mary Worth, 10/22/15

You guys! Remember beloved ancillary Mary Worth character Olive, from last year, who had angelic visions and also some kind of cysts that her terrible parents tried to have removed by a doctor who Olive hated and feared, so she fled to the pool but Mary saved her and then her parents were like, hmm, maybe we shouldn’t have our daughter operated on by a guy literally named Dr. Kapuht who’s also a junkie, and then Mary told her that she should always act on her most powerful delusions, which she claimed were the result of some weird tummy-brain rather than divine revelation. Olive and her terrible parents moved back to New York, and Mary was extremely cagey about coming to visit, which makes sense because normally grown adults don’t fly across the country to hang out with, you know, children they aren’t related to. But, whatever! Santa Royale is dullsville now that Toby and Ian aren’t getting divorced and lord knows Mary doesn’t want to spend any more time than she has to with Dr. Jeff. Hopefully she’ll take the time to let Olive’s parents know she’s coming out; it’d be awkward if she arrived at their apartment and interrupted their near-constant sexing.

Apartment 3-G, 10/22/15

“Good news, Gaby! Your daughter, who may or may not be responsive, will probably recognize your voice, despite the coma that she may or may not be in!” Wow, it’s a good thing that a medical professional with a great bedside manner is delivering this news. Thank goodness Tommie stopped Eric from running in all half-cocked.

Bizarro, 10/22/15

I’m actually not 100% sure on what the joke here is supposed to be, but I think Bizarro artist Dan Piraro lives in Los Angeles, and it’s possible that he saw the same … duck? goose? waterfowl of indeterminate species? … that my wife and I spotted last month in Echo Park that looked so much like Donald Trump that she was moved to take a picture:

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

Shoe, 10/22/15

Look, Perfesser, I know Skyler is a ward whose presence in your home and life you barely tolerate, but he’s a bird about to hit puberty (pu-bird-y?) and if you don’t have this talk soon he’s going to try to fuck some bees