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Mary Worth, 3/27/15

Hey, guys, remember back in 2009, when Mark and Cherry Trail’s friend Patty kept a deer in her house and it infuriated her violent, jealous husband who slapped her around for it (not pictured) and shot the deer, but then the deer came back for revenge and injured him and they decided to let bygones be bygones and adopt a baby? This was egregious enough to generate actual angry letters to King Features, who said that they “should have done a better job of researching the facts about domestic violence” and “We can only apologize sincerely to the readers of Mark Trail for this oversight and endeavor to be more vigilant in the future.” So I’m hoping this vigilance will result in some negative reprecussions for Adam, whose decision to track down Terry has caused her to burst into tears and run away in panic and that’s before she finds out he’s literally moved into her apartment building? Rather than having Mary gently guide to two of them to the altar? Wait, never mind, this is Mary Worth, we know what they do to stalkers here.

Mark Trail, 3/27/15

In new-look Mark Trail, the only violence will be part of the eternal war of man against bug. Bankrupted by beetles! How humiliating that must be for you, Mark’s Friend With Hair That’s Really Aggressively Retreating At The Temples!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/15

Meanwhile, in Rex Morgan, M.D., we find out that anyone who dares to inconvenience Sarah Morgan or her entourage in any way gets a MEATY FIST IN THE THROAT. Who exactly are we supposed to be rooting for here again? I mean, in theory I’m against punching as an end game for economic disputes, but the thuggish enforcer of a longtime mob family does make some pretty good points about loyalty and the nature of patron-client relationships here.

Spider-Man, 3/27/15

Congratulations, Newspaper Spider-Man Comic Strip! You started a Wolverine storyline a full two months after the release of Wolverine: Origins, and an Avengers storyline four months before the release of the first Avengers movie, but now you’re introducing a storyline featuring beloved Avengers character Black Widow a mere five weeks before the release of the new Avengers movie! This is a decent example of cross-platform marketing for Marvel franchises! Spider-Man the character is still hilariously incompetent, of course, but Spider-Man the comic strip is kind of doing its job well for once.

Gil Thorp, 3/27/15

I DID IT EVERYONE

I SUCCESSFULLY PREDICTED THE ENDING OF THIS STORYLINE

WHO ELSE COULD’VE — oh, literally everybody? Oh, OK. Damn it, now I’m mostly just bummed that we didn’t get to see the no doubt hilariously inept Max-Bobby fisticuffs.

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Mary Worth, 3/23/15

OH SNAP IT’S THE TRIUMPHANT (?) RETURN OF A BELOVED (?) ANCILLARY MARY WORTH CHARACTER! You might remember Terry Bryson as the Internet fraud expert who gently explained to Toby how to not get ripped off on the online, back in 2008. Since then she’s been lying low at Charterstone, apparently hoping against hope that Adam wouldn’t find her here. Did Terry once long ago teach Adam how to avoid Internet fraud, only she did a bad job and he got Internet defrauded real bad, and now he’s out for revenge? Or is Terry herself the one thing Adam can never let go of, romantically? Probably the second one, since over the weekend Adam seems to have dyed the greying hair around his temples, so as to look younger and more vigorous. Can’t wait to see the upbeat wedding denouement of this story, which has began in unsettling stalkertastic fashion!

Judge Parker, 3/23/15

Oh, goody: we’ve returned to Sam and Abbey’s RV, which is large enough to have both a main salon and, presumably, several secondary salons, just in time for them to wax rhapsodic about the greatness of Judge Parker Senior’s unfilmable script adaptation of his unreadable book! Abbey’s going to need some coffee for this. All this sycophancy takes a lot out of you.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/23/15

Ha ha, “I have a meeting with your father,” definitely a normal thing a human would say upon meeting an unidentified young person in an office setting. In this case, of course, a more reasonably response would be “I have a meeting with the mad scientist who grafted your tiny head onto your mismatched body.”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/19/15

The accelerating pace of technological change can be a little dizzying. Why, it doesn’t seem that long ago that a Yale dropout named Mac Zuckerman launched a social networking site named Pacebook. Originally available exclusively to students at elite colleges, in the early ’00s it was associated with the young and hip. But by 2010 it had become omnipresent and was used by people of all ages, so that even small-town mayors’ glands were deemed worthy of parody pages. Naturally, the kids left in droves. Kelly and Niki were only 11 years old when their older siblings and parents giggled over Mayor Dalton’s prostate’s brief viral glory on Pacebook; there’s no way those kids were going to sign up for such a hopelessly square site and try to find “Pacebook pals” when they finally got cell phones. Enter Mitt Zackerman, the Dartmouth junior whose hip new social media app Pacelook is spreading like wildfire throughout high schools across the country. Sure, it’s mostly being used for cyberbullying, but “the Zack” and his venture capital backers are sure the kinks can be ironed out and the site ready for polite society in time for the IPO.

Mary Worth, 3/19/15

Boy, Mary Worth sure is being nosy with Adam, about his on-the-law-enforcement-job injury, which may or may not be related to the one thing that he can never let go of (hint: it is very, very much related). Anyway, what if Adam was injured in his capacity as a member of the Fashion Police? He hasn’t judged anyone’s clothing since he got hurt, but today, with this old woman in front of him wearing a tomato-colored sweatsuit over a white men’s dress shirt — well, today might be his chance at redemption.

Six Chix, 3/19/15

Ha, funny story, that GPS is speaking my language, too! My language is a voice inside my head that constantly and cruelly tells me that I’m a moron who makes terrible mistakes that even a child could avoid. That’s a normal, relatable thing, right?