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Apartment 3-G, 9/17/15

Apartment 3-G may be in its advanced decline at this point, but at least it can still occasionally indulge in one of my favorite Apartment 3-G pursuits: shitting on Tommie. “Margo needs a doctor but she refuses to see one.” “I’ll call Tommie! She’s a friend who Margo feels comfortable with, but she’s also a skilled medical professional in her own right. Plus she lives right here!” “GOD DAMN IT LU ANN WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO WASTE ON THESE POINTLESS SUGGESTIONS OF YOURS, I’LL CALL TOMMIE IF I WANT SOMEONE TO SIGH AND MOPE AT MARGO BUT RIGHT NOW WE NEED A REAL DOCTOR”

Six Chix, 9/17/15

I admit to being a little puzzled as to what’s going on here. Is this supposed to be a metaphor showing that we shun pariahs, an indictment of our society that is as searing as it is circular, since literally the definition of a pariah is someone you shun? Or is this supposed to depict the the sport our so-called intellectuals have at their fancy cocktail parties, reaffirming my longstanding policy of not ever leaving the house?

Mary Worth, 9/17/15

Poor Ian has just been leaving unacknowledged and escalatingly pathetic voicemails for Toby all week, apparently, and this is it looks like things have gotten pretty desperate. “Toby! Think of the haters! You don’t want to give any satisfaction to the haters, do you? Do you?”

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Gil Thorp, 9/9/15

If there’s one thing Gil Thorp does well, it’s call back to beloved (?) characters from the past, so as soon as it became clear that we were supposed to know who Holly Dobbs is, I Googled “holly dobbs gil thorp” and … guys. Guys. This article from 1993 says that Holly Dobbs is GIL’S EX-GIRLFRIEND, a former Milford English teacher/aspiring actor who he was about to propose to when she got cast in a play in fancy New York City and left Milford behind her … forever. Or, you know, for 38 years, since that story ran in newspapers in 1967. But now she’s back and I sincerely hope that the implications of both this strip and this strip hold, i.e., that she was secretly also dating Marty during her Milford life, and that now, with her acting career dead, she’s returning to teach high school as some sort of awful reality show stunt, meaning the hot Gil-Holly-Marty love triangle action will be broadcast to fans nationwise.

Archie, 9/9/15

It’s kind of weird that this whole strip is just bathed in a urine-colored omnipresent glow, but if you were a colorist confronted with Archie strip where the joke involves Jughead stink-breathing “VICTOR HUGO,” and also, completely out of character, recognizing a Victor Hugo quote, you too might decide that you don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Mary Worth, 9/9/15

“I mean, not literally. That would’ve been great! I could’ve used that card to rent a room at a nice hotel! Instead I have to hide out here with you, ugh.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/9/15

“I’ll see what I can do! About the patriarchy, I mean. I’m a former nanny who married her way into the upper corporate echelons, so I’m trying to bring it down from the inside.”

Crankshaft, 9/9/15

I’m starting to think Ralph Meckler’s probably not going to win this election, guys.

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Mary Worth, 9/7/15

You guys. You guys. When I predicted this yesterday, I was kidding. Kidding. I mean, surely Toby wouldn’t dramatically tell Ian “do not try to look for me” and then lay low in literally the same building. Surely she has some friends other than Mary. Maybe we’ve never seen her interacting with them, but surely she had them. Some people she knows from the local art scene? Her old friends back in New York? Turns out nope! Turns out Mary’s all she’s got. This whole thing’s going to be fantastic. Anyway, since I can apparently control the course of this plot with my barely plausible predictions, here’s my next prediction: Toby will very quickly drive Mary up the wall by letting her filthy, filthy human skin touch all the surfaces in Mary’s apartment, her pure, beautiful, disinfected surfaces.

Blondie, 9/7/15

Ha ha, get it? Because megabytes are some kind of thing that’s inside a computer, and it sounds like you’re taking a MEGA (big) BITE (of food)? And Dagwood is a terrible compulsive eater, so he likes biting food? The saddest thing about this joke is that I’m pretty sure the Blondie Inc. Creative Brain Trust came up with it, like, ten years ago, and only now feel confident that their readership will really “get it,” and even then had Dagwood and Alexander say “megabyte” to each other four times, just to be sure.

B.C., 9/7/15

Don’t worry, this turtle’s shell isn’t a twisted, unnatural attempt to mimic secondary mammalian sexual characteristics. She’s just deformed because she was born in a pile of garbage!

Funky Winkerbean, 9/7/15

AT LAST

THE DAY IS HERE

THE DAY WHEN THE LIVING FINALLY OVERTHROW THE TYRANNY OF THE DEAD