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Charterstone deep cuts

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Mary Worth, 3/23/15

OH SNAP IT’S THE TRIUMPHANT (?) RETURN OF A BELOVED (?) ANCILLARY MARY WORTH CHARACTER! You might remember Terry Bryson as the Internet fraud expert who gently explained to Toby how to not get ripped off on the online, back in 2008. Since then she’s been lying low at Charterstone, apparently hoping against hope that Adam wouldn’t find her here. Did Terry once long ago teach Adam how to avoid Internet fraud, only she did a bad job and he got Internet defrauded real bad, and now he’s out for revenge? Or is Terry herself the one thing Adam can never let go of, romantically? Probably the second one, since over the weekend Adam seems to have dyed the greying hair around his temples, so as to look younger and more vigorous. Can’t wait to see the upbeat wedding denouement of this story, which has began in unsettling stalkertastic fashion!

Judge Parker, 3/23/15

Oh, goody: we’ve returned to Sam and Abbey’s RV, which is large enough to have both a main salon and, presumably, several secondary salons, just in time for them to wax rhapsodic about the greatness of Judge Parker Senior’s unfilmable script adaptation of his unreadable book! Abbey’s going to need some coffee for this. All this sycophancy takes a lot out of you.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/23/15

Ha ha, “I have a meeting with your father,” definitely a normal thing a human would say upon meeting an unidentified young person in an office setting. In this case, of course, a more reasonably response would be “I have a meeting with the mad scientist who grafted your tiny head onto your mismatched body.”

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Global Belittlement System

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/19/15

The accelerating pace of technological change can be a little dizzying. Why, it doesn’t seem that long ago that a Yale dropout named Mac Zuckerman launched a social networking site named Pacebook. Originally available exclusively to students at elite colleges, in the early ’00s it was associated with the young and hip. But by 2010 it had become omnipresent and was used by people of all ages, so that even small-town mayors’ glands were deemed worthy of parody pages. Naturally, the kids left in droves. Kelly and Niki were only 11 years old when their older siblings and parents giggled over Mayor Dalton’s prostate’s brief viral glory on Pacebook; there’s no way those kids were going to sign up for such a hopelessly square site and try to find “Pacebook pals” when they finally got cell phones. Enter Mitt Zackerman, the Dartmouth junior whose hip new social media app Pacelook is spreading like wildfire throughout high schools across the country. Sure, it’s mostly being used for cyberbullying, but “the Zack” and his venture capital backers are sure the kinks can be ironed out and the site ready for polite society in time for the IPO.

Mary Worth, 3/19/15

Boy, Mary Worth sure is being nosy with Adam, about his on-the-law-enforcement-job injury, which may or may not be related to the one thing that he can never let go of (hint: it is very, very much related). Anyway, what if Adam was injured in his capacity as a member of the Fashion Police? He hasn’t judged anyone’s clothing since he got hurt, but today, with this old woman in front of him wearing a tomato-colored sweatsuit over a white men’s dress shirt — well, today might be his chance at redemption.

Six Chix, 3/19/15

Ha, funny story, that GPS is speaking my language, too! My language is a voice inside my head that constantly and cruelly tells me that I’m a moron who makes terrible mistakes that even a child could avoid. That’s a normal, relatable thing, right?

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I definitely like to thought-balloon about my deepest secrets, that’s a normal thing

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Mary Worth, 3/17/15

NEW STORYLINE IN MARY WORTH, EVERYBODY! Haha, look at how Mary is prying into this new Charterstone tenant’s life before he’s even gotten his meager possessions off his handcart. “Most people need a moving van or at least a U-Haul!” she says. “Why don’t you? Are you poor? On the run from the law? Have your references been adequately vetted? Will your rent checks clear? Should I call the sheriff and have your boxes dumped out onto the curb now, to save time?” Anyway, I look forward to Adam cracking under the pressure and spilling his guts about his emotional baggage over the next six to eight weeks. What can he never let go of? Dead wife? Estranged son? Or maybe it’s a real physical object, like a cursed goblet or something. That’d be pretty sweet.

Heathcliff, 3/17/15

Wow, nice job, Heathcliff: on St. Patrick’s day, you’re wearing a blue bowler cap, the dominant color on the flag of Ireland’s British oppressors, and deliberately mocking the beloved cabbage component of corned beef and cabbage by replacing it with literal, actual garbage. I never thought I’d see such blatant anti-Hibernianism in the daily newspaper.

Apartment 3-G, 3/17/15

Oh my, Lu Ann has removed her pink blazer so that she’s now clad only in her turtleneck! Is she trying to seduce Martin? She’s only got six more layers left to go!