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After some time spent away from comics-blogging, you come back and ask yourself: has anything changed? Fortunately, if you like consistency and stability and have just subjected yourself to a huge life transition, the answer when it comes to the comics is always a resounding no!

Apartment 3-G, 9/6/14

Tommie is outlining her entire romantic history, and, guess what, is still super boring! “And that’s when I fell instantly and immediately in love and my life changed fore–” “Yeah, look, Tommie, I gotta … go, I have a … thing, can’t miss it, let’s catch up at a … later … date, yeah, that’s it, we’ll hang out later.”

Crankshaft, 9/6/14

Crankshaft is, guess what, still being a superdick to his ostensible friends! “Hey guys, my brain still works, unlike yours!” he says, without any hint of a smile that might make this seem like friendly ribbing. “My faculties are still entirely intact. It’s only my cruelty that’s being exacerbated by old age.”

Mary Worth, 9/6/14

Mary is, as ever, still extolling the virtues of love and friendship while keeping all actual humans at arm’s length, emotionally speaking. “I’d like to come visit New York to spend time with you, Olive, but I’m not sure when I can, or if I can, since I have such a busy, demanding schedule of doing nothing and seeing nobody! Anyway, I got New York City ex-boyfriend problems, so it’s probably for the best if I don’t show my face around there.”

Judge Parker, 9/6/14

And people are still getting starry-eyed when engaging with the Spencer-Driver clan and throwing resources at them, even when they themselves are actual celebrities! “Wow, Sam, let’s hear your impartial legal advice: should I let your daughter start her business in a building I own, rent-free?” “Gosh, I don’t know, Rocky, just to make sure there’s no potential conflict of interest, maybe you should consult your own in-house counsel, the one who worked for me until like 20 minutes ago and whose wife is Neddy’s financial manager!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/6/14

And June Morgan still know that as long as things are going her way, it’s best not to ask questions. “Huh, so this old lady who’s abruptly taken our five year old daughter under her wing is from a family of violent criminals?” “Who cares?” “Do you think she and her thuggish henchman are armed?” “STOP TALKING THIS IS NOT TIME FOR TALKING THIS IS TIME FOR EATING HAMBURGERS THE SIZE OF OUR FACES”

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Mary Worth, 9/5/14

Remember that scene in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace when Qui-Gon sat Anakin down and told him about the intelligent midi-chlorian symbionts that live in everybody’s cells and were the physiological basis for the Force? And remember the strange heavy, cold feeling in your gut as the movie layered all that unnecessary pseudo-biological nonsense on top of something that had once seemed mysterious, magical, and fun? Well, that feeling was your enteric nervous system.

Curtis, 9/5/14

Just yesterday this was Alternate Dimension Curtis, and today he’s Conscience Curtis? OK whatevs nobody reads the comics anyway so why bother, right? But can we have Evil Twin Curtis tomorrow, please? I’ve got some plans for Barry.

Hägar the Horrible, 9/5/14

Slylock Fox author Bob Weber Jr. is doing gags for Hägar the Horrible these days, and you can tell: that carriage has Count Weirdly written all over it. Careful, Helga – it’s an overcomplicated, ineffective trap!

Josh is now officially an Angeleno, moved in, Internet-connected, unpacked Real Soon Now, and rarin’ to go. Look for his Comment of the Week selection, followed by regular posts starting Saturday. I sure hope the laid-back California lifestyle doesn’t creep into his commentary.

Thanks for reading, and for the great support during an extra-long fundraiser. See you next time!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 9/4/14

Most unwelcome guests just make you feel old.

But when Les Moore’s wife Lisa died in 2007 and once before, Funky Winkerbean jumped forward in time and its spinoff Crankshaft didn’t. The charming though confusing result is that whenever a Crankshaft character encounters somebody from the Funky continuity, they age about fifteen years.

So here we have Old Pam, daughter of Really Old Ed, and her husband Old Jeff, son of Probably Dead Rose. I say Probably Dead because that appears to be a genuine smile on Jeff’s face in panels two and three, and Rose strictly enforced her rules against that sort of thing.

As for the third panel hey, doesn’t anybody say “you’re welcome” anymore? Old Jeff is grateful for Holly’s gift — why does Holly imagine that’s worrisome for him? Not long ago, Old Jeff’s daughter Grown Up Mindy gave Holly a comic, to her joy and satisfaction — why does she think Old Jeff would react differently? Maybe she’s releasing him from an obligation to reciprocate, to break the cycle of comics-transfer before it escalates into some insane suburban potlatch with skidloads of mouldering comics trucked endlessly between Westview and Centerville to lie rotting on porches? Or is it out of simple mercy to Funky Winkerbean readers who just can’t imagine grownups making such a godawful fuss about comic books?

Comic strips, on the other hand ….

Beetle Bailey, 9/4/14

I’ve been reading Beetle Bailey a long, long time, and I can’t remember Otto ever appearing, being treated, as or acting like a real dog — to the extent that at first glance I thought he was ogling the woman in the first panel. Even the artist has a hard time accepting Otto’s dog-nature: sure, the front limbs end pawishly, but the backs end in feet, making it look like he’s running on his toes.

Maybe its just a subtle send-up of socially-constructed gender roles, such as we are used to finding in the pages of Beetle Bailey: all poodles are girls, of course, as are all ballet dancers who perform en pointe. So what appears to be gender-normative attraction is in fact ambiguous or transgressive! Who’s on the leash here?! The patriarchy!

Mary Worth, 9/4/14

Mary surrenders to control by her abdominal ganglia, much like a dinosaur or cockroach.

— Uncle Lumpy